Yes…I know what you’re thinking. A report of our own show will probably be biased as fuck, but there’s something you are forgetting.
Hugh Dick: I’ll make sure they don’t forget a thing. Hey fags, remember me?
Partyboy: That’s right! Just like our CVLTO report, Hugh Dick will be weighing in with his opinion throughout the report and he will not hesitate to tell me when I’m jerking my meat too often and too hyperbolic.
HD: Starting with this: where the fuck were you all night? Every time I went on stage to introduce the shitty bands you booked. I looked casually at the bar and BOOM, no Partyboy.
PB: Yeah, well…
HD: Now that I think of it, my mom wasn’t there either, she told me she’d watch me on stage. What the fvck?
PB: LET’S START WITH THE BANDS SHALL WE?
HD: What about the part where Jarda’s bass boy got hungry because everyone ate the vegetarian pizza…
PB: I looked away for 5 seconds and…
HD: The meat pizza had pineapple in it…
PB: That was my bad…. Fellas! When you book a show, remember that whatever you’re feeding the bands, don’t put fucking pineapple on pizza. It might not be for you but the bands are human beings, they deserve better…
HD: You fucking twit. I hope you give up this retarded idea of making another party, I won’t be as nice to the bands next time either.
PB: NEVER!!! Look at this money we made.
HD: How much cocaine and hookers is that?
PB: That depends on the quality, either one each or 500.
HD: Let’s make another one. Can we get a female fronted band? Female drummer, I don’t care. Book a band with tits.
PB: Enough of this buffoonery Dick, time to talk about DRUNK ON DRUGS METAL FIESTA!!!
La Legendaria Metal Fiesta happened on May 18th, at the one and only Metalpoint. Every single band on the bill was fucking awesome, high quality music, top shelf showmanship and an acute sense of humour.
HD: That’s a fucking lie, I couldn’t stand any of them for more than a minute.
PB: Opening our mega fiesta was the demented lovechild of the force behind Outeiro Metal Fest. The incomparable “Ruina”.
HD: Oh yeah, the guy drinking piss warm beer from a gourd. Who the hell drinks warm beer?
PB: Your mo… uh I mean, VEGANS! Yes, vegans.
HD: I hate vegans.
PB: Of course you do. After Dick here went up on stage to scare the shit out of the audience with promises of existentialist suicide, “Ruina” slowly crawled on stage and began raping everyone’s sanity with their demented black metal.
Their music rises slowly until it explodes in a cacophony of the void, the terrifying vocalist howling like a beast boss straight out of Bloodborne.
HD: I’m surprised our little stunt worked.
PB: That’s right! Me and Dick here divided Metalpoint in half, you might have seen pictures of this around but here it is…
PB: …AND IT FUCKING WORKED!!! IT FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WORKED!
HD: It worked because metalheads are a bunch of easily influential bitches.
PB: Never in all our years have we seen an opening band with so many people glued to the literal front of the stage, folks were cramming themselves in front of that line as if a cliff lay behind them.
HD: The cliff of shame.
PB: “Ruina” opened our Fiesta with glorious carnage and the booze started kicking in.
HD: Those fucking gummy bears! I can’t believe so many people just abandoned them, damned weaklings.
PB: They were pretty hard-hitting.
HD: Don’t you dare tone down the alcohol of that magical bowl, I will literally throw it at your next headliner. Do not listen to those faggots! If anything, the gummy bears need absinthe for colouring.
PB: Well, nobody died…that we know of…
HD: Smooth, boss.
PB: Anyway, after “Ruina” positively scarred everyone for life with their howling mad black metal improv, it was time to turn the speed dial to 11 and break off the knob.
“Jarda”, the thrash boys that you either want or don’t. But judging by what happened that night, everyone wants some Jarda inside them, as deep as it can go. Moshing was rampant, people flew and…
HD: Those demanding cunts! Why did I have to put down MY BEER and bring those sucking fuckboys a shot? I spilled bagaço all over myself, my shirt was smelling like vinegar the whole night.
PB: Didn’t you hear them? They wouldn’t play the next song without shots.
HD: We never discussed these terms! Fuck those guys, in their tight little assholes. I’m glad the bass player didn’t get any pizza.
PB: Don’t be like that, their show was next level intense shit. If anything, they deserve more shots.
HD: The only person who needs more shots is me. I hope those guys change their name.
PB: They won’t because Jarda are true to their name and everyone who went to our Metal Fiesta will remember this forever.
After Jarda’s wild show…
HD: These guys AGAIN??? Haven’t you seen them a million times? For fucks sake.
PB: Correct Dick, we’ve reported “Burney Relief” many several times, we even saw Adelaide Ferreira (some local big shot pop star from the 80s) opening for them and Mr. Mojo. We’ve seen them in different lands, in different weathers, in different venues, including this one…
HD: And they still suck in every context they play.
PB: Very wrong my friend! Burney Relief are better than ever and they easily pulled off the best fucking show of their young careers, I cried a little.
HD: You’re gay as shit, you know?
PB: There where stoner grooves, doom riffs to break your neck, raging blast beats that sent everyone flying… Ah, what a sight. It’s not normal to see this big a wave of headbanging, Burney have truly outdone themselves, they even sold three CD’s.
HD: Did ya read that Cvl…
PB: Shut your dumb face Dick. This is a time for celebration.
HD: Is that why the Kool & the Gang song was on your gay playlist?
PB: Your mom was on the playlist. How ironic was it that one of the best bands of the night had no vocals? Just cheer musical harmony channeled into furious groove. Burney Relief are maturing within their own brand of music, truly majestic.
HD: How ‘bout that headliner huh? I insult them by comparing them to shitty bands and they laugh?
PB: That’s because they don’t take you or themselves seriously, a great lesson that many should learn. That’s why I’m able to work with a bitch like yourself.
HD: Pff, fags.
PB: Unfortunately, the night was long and completely filled with homemade liqueurs and the best beers…
HD: And we all know what this does to posers…they get sleepy or pukey…or both!
PB: “Dallian” gave us the honour of being the first organization to host their sexy vampire looking asses in our beautiful city.
HD: Their girlfriends arrived on a fucking private bus, impressive my friends. Especially when you dress like two centuries ago.
PB: Are you jelly?
PB: We’ll get you a BJ at the next fiesta, sounds fair?
HD: Don’t promise what you can’t keep. I have access to your water supply.
PB: Oooook…So Dallian was fucking great! The winners of that gay contest to go to that even gayer festival are much more worthy than the festival in question. But publicity is publicity and Dallian man the stage like angry pirates in a stormy sea, raiding your boat to bang your sisters and cousins.
This was the show that separated the strong from the weak.
HD: You mean because it was empty? I keep telling you, melo-death and symphonic shit are not good…eeeever. But noooo, you had to book a fucking melo-death band.
PB: You would prefer Lyzzard?
HD: At least Lyzzard have a big tiddie bass player instead of no bass player!
PB Moving on, since we spent all night providing the good people at Metalpoint with delicious and powerful shots, as well as gummy bears morbidly obese with alcohol, many were completely fucking wasted by this point of the night.
Dallian’s show was still a massive display of musicianship, but compared to previous bands, it had a smaller audience…
PB: Quit it, you cunt, they could have kicked your ass you know? Calling them Septic Fleshgod Apocalypse…
HD: Yeah, but they didn’t. I’m sure they are more interested in you paying them than getting their dicks sucked on stage.
PB: Doesn’t matter, they came, they gave us a great show, they have a good sense of humour; all around great guys to work with, so to any other organizations out there who wanna book a kickass band, remember Dallian.
HD: Yeah, fuck the other bands. They were terrible.
PB: The other bands were absolutely lit. Drunk on Drugs Metal Fiesta was a massive success so expect our next party to be even better. No boring opening acts, no filler, just pure action and satisfaction.
HD: Please don’t book any more melo-death. I won’t be that nice a second time.
PB: Our signature drinks will also be making a cumback, so if you fell madly in love with our sparkling “Dragon Piss”, or the nefarious “Grave Dirt”, don’t miss our next DOD event!
HD: How about that mess you passed as “shots”.
PB: Those were limited edition, although you can probably make the Jarda shot at home. However, Burney’s highly sought after “What the fuck am I drinking shot” is over now. Next time we’ll have even weirder shots, different but equally awesome bands and of course…
HD: …We’ll separate the trve from the phonies as well we should.
BIG THANKS TO THESE BASTARDS…
PB: Now is the time to thank a bunch of people for the success of this Metal Fiesta.
HD: Do we really have to?
PB: Yes, so shut your cum-guzzling mouth and let me go on.
First of all, we must thank Loudness magazine. Without their support, Drunk on Drugs would never even exist.
HD: You mean the guys who only speak in “tuga” and don’t let you tell people how gay Heavenwood is?
PB: No! I mean the guys who accepted my Sinistro review when WAV were being a bunch of fartbags.
HD: Can’t argue with that…
PB: Second, we must thank Ruina, in particular their vocalist Dantas Inferno. He made an excellent job with the Fiesta poster and an excellenter job at saving our last Magazine cover. Oh, and he’s awesome.
HD: Did I tell you I hate vegans yet?
PB: Next we thank Hugo from Metalpoint for being the best guy with the best space. Many things could have gone wrong with an event like this…not in the hands of Hugo, not at Metalpoint. This house is fast becoming the only beacon of hope for extreme music in this city. Its legend will never die.
You can’t see it now but my hand is covering Dick’s mouth, he’s just mumbling some bullshit.
Next on the list, we have to thank Jisus. Not that Jisus, the guy from Sotz, who did a great job at preventing a riot at the entrance when there was a shortage of change. He also pointed us in the direction of the pizza place that fed all the bands.
HD: People are going to skip all this shit looking for their names and ignore everything else. You know that, right?
PB: We thank Luísa and Carlos for being there; no Metal Fiesta is complete without Luisa and Carlos.
PB: We thank Mustas for spreading beer like herpes through the people. I still feel bad he didn’t get a shot of gummy bears, he most certainly deserved at least five.
HD: Oh, the gummy bears… don’t you wanna thank diabetes too?
PB: We thank MAGMA of course! In Particularly Mateus, our magazine would make no fucking sense without his expertise and he manned that merch booth like a furious businessman. Also, Teresa who’s responsible for most of our comics and 99% of magazine covers. Check her artwork in general, you won’t ever regret that you did.
HD: Can’t unlike, there’s boobs in the shirts.
PB: We thank Bunker Store for being the best place to drink in the afternoon, for selling our magazines, Cd’s and for excellent customer service. Yes, they provide excellent service. Manuel, your bald head shines as bright as your soul.
HD: That was really gay man…I’m not even kidding.
PB: We thank Rita Limede, the hidden force behind XXXapada na Tromba and one of the best photographers in the country, for taking extremely sexy pictures of our party.
Big thanks to Metal Mad zine for featuring some of our shit.
HD: You mean ripping off?
PB: A big thank you to all the bands for throwing such fine ass shows. Dallian, Burney Relief, Jarda and Ruina, remember these names for they represent quality! The highest quality of Portuguese music today!
HD: You know, this is exactly the kind of behavior I speak against in the magazine and you’r…
PB: A Big thank you to Hugh Dick for introducing the bands so nicely and being an exclusive feature that no organization has employed so far.
HD: You…you mean that?
PB: Cheers to our friends from Woodrock Fest for teaching us much in the ways of not giving a fuck, not giving up what you love and having a cool sound effect to tell the audience the music is about to start.
HD: Had to ruin it, didn’t ya?
PB: Cheers to Cave 45 (rip), or should I say Rodas and Óscar! We wouldn’t have gotten this far without you. Óscar even put up a poster for our Fiesta at his current bar “Barracuda” even though there was another event at his bar that night.
HD: DID YA READ THAT, MAUS HÁBITOS???
PB: Cheers to SWR and the Veigas for inspiring us every year in every way. You host the best festival in the country and we will fight anyone who claims otherwise.
HD: If you think otherwise you won’t be missed.
PB: Cheers to our favourite chonky boy Sergio Páscoa for nurturing the disgusting flower of death/grind that is XXXAPADA NA TROMBA!!!
HD: Need better sluts at the next edition though.
PB: Thanks to Larvae Records and W.M.D. for all their hard work at keeping extreme metal flowing through this city at a time of rampant, voracious tourism.
HD: I completely forgot about those guys.
PB: A special ARIGATO to Inês for being the greatest and taking awesome pictures of our Fiesta just because she likes it. Also for being my partner at the start of this business.
HD: What? You knew girls before you met me?
PB: Big thank you to our text editor PACO who is always busy but does a superb job when he can throw us a bone.
HD: He’s talkin’ about the guy with the crusty hat.
PB: A massive double armed, triple paycheck thank you to our bro Flama Jiberish for being DOD’s main spiritual advisor and replacement bartender while I was banging Mrs. D…I mean when I had to go find change for the line at the door. Why did I even say replacement? Few worked as hard on that night and our good bro was one of them! We would be nothing without him.
HD: Can’t hate on a guy who gives me drinks.
PB: AND FINALLY!!!
HD: You teasing bastard, they must be stabbing themselves with the suspense.
PB: A huge thank you to our drinking buddies from CVLTO! They probably think we don’t like ‘em since our last report was not particularly flattering…to Maus Hábitos at least.
HD: Yeah. you retarded elitists, stop chaining these talented bitches with your head up the ass attitude.
PB: We love you CVLTO, you bring us the synthwaves, you calm Dick down with titie festivals, and you believe in our work.
HD: Yeah, sure they do.
PB: We’ll do great things together yet. Thank you for coming to our fiesta, Dick was sure you would skip it.
HD: I’m telling you, that wasn’t Cvlto, it was clones.
PB: Thanks to all the random people who paid to enjoy this fiesta, we hope it was worth the 3,99 because we don’t have a refund policy or a customer support center.
HD: Yeah, so stop emailing me pictures of your balls.
PB: Stay drunk my friends, remember to support DOD if you loved our party as much as Dick hated it.
HD: I do this for the booze and I’m severely underpaid.
PB: Until next time fellow music lovers, maybe we’ll bring some synthwave to Porto as well…definitely some grindcore though.
Official Photos by Rita Limede
Dick pics by Demon Editor Zita (CVLTO)
Complementary photos by Inês Silva (Jinger)
Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick