Laurus Nobilis Music 2019

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PARTYBOY: Hello friends! Welcome back to Drunk on Drugs report! Today we’ll be talking about one of the best contenders for most disappointing festival of the year.

HUGH DICK: That’s right, Vagos has competition now! 

PB: LAURUS NOBILIS MUSIC FEST! So much done right and so much more done poorly, Dick here is going to have a lot of fun.

HD: I’M GONNA HAVE A FIELD DAY TODAY!

PB: Yes, settle down now. We’ll start with our arrival to the festival when…uh…well…

HD: You don’t remember, do you?

PB: I do! We got there with Magma and proceeded to find out where in fuck would we set up shop with them to sell some t shirts, magazines and spread flyers for Metal Fiesta Reloaded. 

We stopped in our tracks when a slightly shady and excited gentleman called us from the back of a truck just outside the festival’s backdoor.

HD: That man was a hero!

PB: That man was INDEED a hero! He wasn’t a simple mortal like the rest of us. He worked for the corporation known as “Intermarché” and was slinging everything you could find at a supermarket.

HD: But most importantly he sold BEER!!!!

PB: Not just beer! SUPER *OCK!! And if for some reason you needed something he didn’t have in stock at his truck, they would go get it to the store and bring you the next day, give you a call and a text, everything.

HD: What a beautiful thing…

PB: After stockpiling beer for an hour, we finally went to find out where our merch booth would stand and…

HD: Early bird gets the middle finger.

PB: It was actually quite alright. The organization was still getting grips on their shit so the merch booths were not all set up, we would be getting ours the next day.

No fucking problem! We got wasted without worries and enjoyed some bands.

HD: What do you mean enjoyed?

PB: Opening Laurus was “Lyfordeath”, a nice death metal act that got things jiggy.

HD: You blind faggot, they sucked and you know they sucked.

PB: Next to other bands on that festival, did they suck that hard?

HD: Fair enough. Their name is still a cancer to write, read and pronounce. What the fuck is that? Ly for death? Do they know LY means I love you in internet lingo? That’s not fucking death metal you guys!

PB: Shut your face Dick, the next band was “Humanart” and…

HD: Stop, we didn’t see that one.

PB: I saw a little…

HD: You saw a drunk thot shown to you in an instagram story at camp while you pounded beers.

PB: Oh…

HD: We also missed the next band because it was garbage and ain’t nobody got time for WAKO when there’s beer at camp that wasn’t made across the border.

PB: Fair enough. NEXT however!!! Things got thrashy with Spaniards “Soldier” who made the late night audience of Laurus jiggle even more.

HD: Boring pile of…

PB: A massive improvement from last year’s show with Cruz de Ferro.

HD: Can’t argue with that.

PB: Closing the first day Party were German thrash veterans “Contradiction”, the festival almost peaked right there!

HD: If only the fools in the audience had known, maybe they would have moshed harder.

PB: Contradiction know how to make hair spin well, we’ve talked about this before. Laurus was no exception.

HD: Slightly less damn awful than Soldier.

PB: After the bands, we went to camp to double the beer intake and returned to watch the DJ’s, who happened to be bros.

Chaotic Th3rapy promised a fresh playlist with delicious songs, we were excited and eager.

HD: But then LAURUS happened!

PB: I had literally just arrived at the afterparty and the sound was cut off. Dan from Sotz came to explain that the party was over but there was booze at the camp. Fine then!

HD: THAT’S ALRIGHT WITH ME!!!

PB: Apparently SOMEONE didn’t pay the sound technicians enough for them to hang around after the bands…

HD: So they understandably fucked off!

PB: We were promised at the very least an hour of music, there was little more than 20 minutes, that’s like two generic Metallica songs!

HD: Fuck that shit!

PB: That was day 1 of Laurus, not a stellar first day (unlike some festivals) but the beer was enough to keep us happy.

Second day began earlier for us and Magma, we had to set up shop and we didn’t even know the location of the booth yet.

HD: I stayed in the tent.

PB: Our booth wasn’t bad but we did have to fix it a bit using our crusty DIY skills. 

After setting up shop we waited for customers. Magma mostly handled the booth since we had to go and see the bands for the report.

HD: Sigh…

PB: The first day of Laurus Nobilis that you had to pay for opened with a band I’ve never heard of until the previous day, “Second Lash”.

HD: Should I tell them?

PB: You’re going to do it anyway…

HD: People went to see your band because there was a girl in it.

PB: That was the word around camp yes, everyone wanted to know how sexy she was and there was also nothing better to do.

HD: She looked like a house dunked in period blood.

PB: The songs were alright.

HD: The songs were NOT alright you dumb fucking bitch!

Aslo fucking awful was “Hochiminh”, who the fuck told you these gay boys were a grindcore band?

PB: I vaguely remember a band with that name at XXXAPADA!

HD: It was gay metalcore you dumb cunt! 

PB: “Wrath Sins” was nice afterwards, though.

HD: More bland local bands. Next!

PB: We actually skipped “Peste & Sida” since they skipped playing with a certain band a few years back for no reason. 

HD: No, we saw a bit.

PB: We did? Was it good?

HD: No. Mata Ratos last year was way better and it’s still trash.

PB: Finally some main event bands came our way, first with the familiar “Entombed AD” which we’ve seen three times before. 

These guys basically carried the festival. Starting with the intro from John Carpenter’s lost themes, they vomited death metal classics all over the hyper excited audience.

HD: Don’t forget the new songs nobody knows or cares.

PB: Dick, this is a little kid’s festival, they don’t know any better.

HD: What do you mean? The place was crawling with Milfs!

PB: Yeah… Laurus was kind of a Milf central. Good Milfs though.

HD: Not all of them…but yes.

PB: The fuck were we talkin’ about?

HD: Milfs.

PB: No! Before that.

HD: I don’t care, I like the new topic.

PB: Entombed! Right, saviours of Laurus Nobilis, best show of the day if not the festival itself.

HD: Italians had to fuck it up.

PB: Hard to disagree but can you elabor…

HD: Ask anyone who went to Laurus, they will tell you “Fleshgod Apocalypse” was boring as shit! There wasn’t even any moshing, “Dallian” was better at Metalpoint and these are the guys that inspire them!

PB: It did start well with the Violation, that one song from the second album everyone knows. Their stage attire is nice, the fat opera lady looked straight out of Yharnam. 

Why they don’t touch the first album, the one with all the actual Brutal Death stuff, we’ll never know.

HD: You’ll never know, you gullible dumbass.

PB: Anyway, unfortunately the consensus was: Fleshgod was boring. If you disagree, you are a minority, congratulations.

That was it for day one of paying to get in. The next day started with “Besta” replacing Primal Attack, a fine choice indeed.

HD: Except I’ve seen them too many times because they are fucking everywhere. Getting a little old…

PB: I actually missed their show to take a shower. The showers at Laurus were very IMPOSING!

HD: Stylish as fuck.

PB: Standing at the entrance of camp was a long ass army truck. That’s right, the army proved to be useful in times of relative peace by sending all the metalheads to take a bath.

HD: Don’t you mean, to take ABBATH?

PB: Showering in a War Truck of War was quite metal, so props to Laurus for this initiative.

HD: However, it was massively gross.

PB: When we returned to the stage “Gwydion” was on.

HD: Another one of those retarded bands that pretend they are vikings or pirates in a Portuguese band…

PB: Well, Gwydion were responsible for one of the most intense and floor shattering shows of the entire festival. The crowd went wild with joy the entire time.

HD: The crowd is stupid! Besides, claiming any band was the best of this festival is the same as getting a participation trophy.

PB: The main stage opened next and we went to see the last ever show with “Sinistro” and their lady vocalist. We did not know this would be their last show with her as we watched.

HD: What’s with all the spazzing around? She was having a seizure on stage and people just stood there! No wonder she quit the band.

PB: The spazzing was a little excessive. I don’t think it was always this intense. Maybe now they will return to their instrumental roots.

HD: Remember when the Veigas trolled everyone by replacing Aborted with Sinistro? That was priceless!!!

PB: So, after Sinistro was…

HD: Oh god no…

PB: “Crematory”.

HD: *Audible exasperation*

PB: Crematory confused a lot of people who looked at the bill because there are at the very least 20 bands called Crematory all over the world. Some of them are Death Metal bands, we didn’t get those…

HD: No! We got the goth hard rock band from Germany! 

PB: The entire festival suddenly fell asleep to the dad goth rock played by the band, everyone cursed their existence except…

HD: Except that one guy! Some poor sod was taken to the stage and proclaimed by the band as “their biggest fan”. I’m not sure if they know what they did here, this guy basically went on stage to tell everyone “HEY GUYS, LOOK AT ME, I’M A FUCKING IDIOT!”

PB: Their show felt like years, long draggin years. Finally it ended and a real band came to the stage to try and save this carcass of a festival.

We’ve been fans of “Samael” for a long time…

HD: What do you mean “we”?

PB: Oh right.. Anyway, Samael is a band I’ve been wanting to see for a few years now and their show was pretty good. A lot of people couldn’t handle the drummer using his HANDS and playing standing up. 

HD: Yeah! What was that gay shit about?

PB: Thank you for proving my point Dick. “Samael” are one of those love\hate bands. They started as a black metal band people really liked and then evolved to an industrial weird band that a lot of people sort of love.

They went to both sides of their phases and the audience was pleased. From “Slavocracy” to “Baphomet’s Throne”, the thirst for classics was satiated. They even played a song I forgot I loved, “Rain”. 

HD: And the second day came to an end.

PB: But I wasn’t done talking about Samael, they played that cool song to get High, the one with the galaxies.

HD: This shit is already 7 pages long, no one will reach this part, get on with it!

PB: Fine! The last day of Laurus began beautifully with locals “Toxikull” who have gotten much better since the last time we saw them. 

HD: More basic thrash metal from daddy’s garage?

PB: Along with “Grimlet” and “Simbiose”, the last day had a better start than any other. Actual violent music with intent to kill you fast.

HD: More local bands that are everywhere and nobody cares. Vagos and Laurus are basically giant band recyclers, that’s why their names sound similar.

PB: While we waited at our mech shed for “Analepsy” to come swing their dicks at us, we wasted our down time looking at insta stories and we saw something VERY relevant…

HD: Before he keeps going, let me just add that 99% of people who showed up to this festival wanted to see one specific band.

PB: From the phone, we saw Peter Tagtgren’s worried face at some random airport.

What airport you ask? MUNICH!

HD: That’s right, after waiting for three days to see “Hypocrisy”, the entire festival was butt raped by the airline companies.

PB: On his instagram, Peter said the show would have to be cancelled, nothing to be done.

HD: It’s even funnier when you find out the rest of the band was there since friday banging your girlfriends. Only Pete stayed behind to take care of his record Label.

PB: The organization did the right thing. If you were one of the unfortunate sods who drove here for the specific purpose of watching Hypocrisy and only brought the last day ticket, they refunded everyone like professionals.

HD: Ouch!  

PB: The audience lumbered inside totally depressed, the bulk of the festival was reduced by more than half. At least we would get to see “Analepsy” again!

HD: Ouch! 

PB: But the guitar player is in the Netherlands…

HD: Threeway Analepsy? Is that why it was the most boring Analepsy show of my life? Even the one at XXXicken Party was better and the entire audience was busy looking at the football game between us and Poland.

PB: Well… considering how batshit crazy things get when Analepsy play in most places, this show palled in comparison. No moshing, some headbangin, there were obviously excited people but the depression from lack of Hypocrisy was hitting everyone pretty hard.

HD: Then they decided to double Soilwork’s set and add more Freitas to make up for it. This makes up for nothing!!!

PB: Soilwork isn’t that bad, they had some tunes in the first Prey video game.

HD: And you don’t even remember the songs. Can we end this already?

PB: Well, “Soilwork” was a lot like Dark Tranquillity last year. That’s one of the problems with Laurus. It’s too much this kind of music in the main events. Crematory, Soilwork, Fleshgod, Samael, these bands aren’t so different.

HD: Yes, all of them are BORING!

PB: To be fair, we can’t blame Laurus for Peter’s absence. They did bulk up their line up this year, Entombed and Analepsy were excellent choices. But just like we said last year…

HD: You said last year, bitch.

PB: …Your festival needs more power. Raw, disgusting, depraved metals. You have enough melody every year! You have the fluff, now give us the crust.

 

laurusbadmeme

 

Text by PB and Hugh Dick

Pictures by Diogo Azevedo (on facebook)

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BUTCHERING EUROPE 2019 – Metalpoint

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Drunk on Drugs returns to Metalpoint to witness Larvae Records and XXXapada na Tromba engaging in Jolly Cooperation! A delicious three-way of death, grind and slams awaited us but unfortunately I was late.

Hugh Dick: You didn’t miss much.

PB: Are you always going to be here now?

HD: Yes, it’s easier for me.

PB: Anyway…

I managed to miss the first band which I really did not want to. “Aischrolatry” were fucking great back in Porto Death Fest and everyone told me they were even better this time! Fuck me.

HD: They’re wrong, it was gay.

PB: Shut your face Dick. The second band was also great and also witnessed by us back in SWR XXI. Placenta Powerfist” slammed the audience really hard on the floor which is what you do when you have a Powerfist.

HD: I thought there was a chick in there somewhere.

PB: You’re thinking of Carnal Decay, they played the same year at SWR, completely different band.

HD: All this crap sounds alike. Why do I have to look at their sweaty nipples? I miss Eros.

PB: The main event of the night was an Indian band called “Gutslit”.

HD: Did they shit on the stage? That’s what we’re all thinking.

PB: They did not…

HD: I bet they did after we left.

PB: The only thing that came out of Gutslit’s assholes was a tremendous earthquake of brutal death slams that made the audience spin like a carousel. What a sick performance.

HD: It was sikh alright. Get it?

PB: We got treated to a wall of death, an extra song at the end and a cover of the classic Dying Fetus song “Kill your mother, rape your dog”.

HD: Sikh bro!

PB: It’s not that funny. Why don’t you say something nice for a change? This was the first time we saw a band from India. They came a long way to party with us.

HD: Yeah, because the streets smell like fresh turds back home.

PB: And our fair city doesn’t smell like pee? Be nice and you will get some vodka.

HD: Uh…well…they didn’t smell like curry.

PB: I suppose that’s the best you got.

HD: I know you don’t have that much vodka on hand.

PB: I do, you just don’t know where it is.

HD: Oh, I know where it is…

PB: Anyway, see you next time when we report the latest edition of Laurus Nobilis!

HD: OH GOD NO!!!

 

Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick

 

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Possessed – Hard Club

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Hello friends! Drunk on Drugs returns to Hard Club for some proper old school violence, brought to you by the best of the best, SWR.

Hugh Dick: You really need to stop sniffing their balls like this.

Partyboy: Ah yes, Dick is here too but only because he PROMISED to keep the handicap jokes to a minimum.

HD: I did?

PB: This was supposed to be a threeway event but the Norwegian Black Metal band cancelled their appearance for reasons we didn’t care enough to research. 

HD: Great! They had a dumb name anyway.

PB: Opening this fine night of evil music was an important job that could not be given to any random shitty local band.

HD: But that’s what they did…

PB: Wrong! The party started with “Alcoholocaust”, one of our countries most ass tearing bands who always come packing whiskey and deliciously evil riffs. 

Oozing style and blasphemy, they told every poser and goth to die now or suffer their hatred and die later anyway.

HD: I know I shit on a lot of bands but…

PB: Really?

HD: … BUT … I must say… this band picked a terrific name. Too bad the music is shi..

PB: Of course Dick! Not to be confused with that college party bus that made a bunch of people angry on the news. Alcoholocaust the BAND came first.

HD: How about that crowd? So excited huh? 

PB: Well…as usual, the opening bands suffer. All the kids who never saw Death Metal live were saving their flimsy, tender bodies for the main event. This means that Alcoholocaust’s show had an audience of people ready to explode but denying themselves the pleasure just so they can show “Daddy” they got what it takes.

HD: Yeah, lose some teeth in the opening band or get too drunk you miss school for a week, that’s what kids your age should be doing.

PB: Uh…no… but we’ve all been there anyway. Some in the 80’s, some in the 90’s, some last week.

I get it though, mosh pits are dangerous and when you REALLY want to see the next band, you will be reluctant to DIE during the previous act.

HD: Can we keep this damn report rolling?

PB: Well played Dick…

2013 was far too long ago, some of the people reading this were still fetuses back then and do not recall how fucking perfect SWR XVI was! Maybe you read about it on DOD Magazine #6, maybe you were there.

HD: Get to the point bitch!

PB: THAT was the last time the all fathers of Death Metal graced our country with their presence.

HD: You mean skid marks?

PB: HAHAHA I mean NO! Bad Dick! No more jokes, let me finish. Go get the leftover booze from Metal Fiesta.

HD: There’s leftover Booze?! *leaves*

PB: Well… I don’t think he’s coming back…

ANYWAY…

Fucking “Possessed” returned to our country to give all the little boys and girls a very vivid lesson on Death Metal.

From the looks of the pit, it seems the lessons were sinking in as teeth and a ton fuck of wasted beer flew all over the place. 

It’s hard to decide which show was better, SWR or Hard Club. SWR was years ago and the details are fuzzy.

This time it felt more intimate, maybe because last time I watched it from the back completely wasted and on the last day of Barroselas. This time I watched it up front with CVLTO and MAGMA without 10 other bands in my system, all of them worthy of headbanging and debauchery.

The band itself is still very much a diabolical presence on stage.

HD: Yeah! I don’t know how the guy moved around so much, cuz…you know…

PB: Oh, you came back…

HD: Was I not suppose to? 

PB: You didn’t have to but you can.

HD: Hurry up with that shit will ya? Nobody’s attention span is that long these days.

PB: Well, Dick actually raised a good point, for a wheelchair bound motherfucker, Jeff Becerra has a lot of charisma and works that stage with a lot more enthusiasm than uh…mh…

HD: Guys who can walk?

PB: Well…yeah…

HD: You can’t fight reality bitch.

PB: But of course, he’s the best! He’s grampa Death Metal, Schuldiner may be your Dad who died too young but Jeff outlived his children and he keeps doing what he’s good at. I am fucking thankful that he is.

HD: Do you think his penis works?

PB: And on that note we’re going to end this beautiful report because I cannot contain this asshole any longer.

HD: Why would you think giving me homemade liqueurs would help you?

PB: Can’t argue with that. Thank you for reading this short report friends, stay hydrated and buzzed, we’ll see you soon. Support Possessed. Alcoholocaust, SWR and Hugh Dick’s mom.

 

Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick

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