Filha da C*LTO Sequel – Neoslave

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Fellas! Time to have a talk about synthwave’s second big ass event in the sexy City of Porto, this report will be different because…

Hugh Dick: Because you’re favourite Uncle is here too.

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Partyboy: Yes, since getting this retard to write anything has gotten very difficult after his experience at EROS

HD: I left you some colouring books in the trunk.

PB: IT WAS DARK YOU ASS!

HD: And don’t you have a phone?

PB: Alright, it’s too soon to get off the rails, so let’s talk about this awesome party.

HD: Awesome? You were there right? At the same party I was in?

PB: Yes, at Maus Hábitos, the other day.

HD: Ugh…let’s get it over with. You start.

PB: In case you failed to remember, Maus Hábitos had a boner inducing Synth show on Christmas with the one and only Lazerpunk.

HD: And then he fell in love with us.

PB: What? Be quiet, we have a lot of shit to cover.

HD: There’s no need to cover him in shit because…

PB: No one is talking about that! Why don’t you go get that bottle of leftover vodka from the basement?

HD: Why don’t I indeed???

PB: … Alright. Dick is gone and I can start this report without his insufferable buffoonery.

For the duration of this report, we will also be mentioning another of our recent partners who helped us greatly in this quest and suffered the same fate as us…

Yes! We had the opportunity to present the public with our awesome MAGAZINES next to Magma Wear’s sexy t-shirt designs and character stickers.

Together, we would man the merch booth which, to anyone who has been to this kind of events, is something absolutely essential. Bands and artists usually make their living off selling t shirts and all kinds of merch they can bring on tour.

It’s not the money you pay them or selling CD’s on the internet, that doesn’t pay the bills, fan love pays the bills.

So our day at Maus Hábitos began with picking up our partners from Magma, getting all our stuff for the merch booth in place, packing it carefully in the car, carrying all that shit up to Maus Hábitos and waiting on our asses for the organization (fuck, can’t remember the name but I also can’t seem to find it online) to finish sound checking.

While we had a smoke break, I remembered I had forgotten something important and had to race to get it and be back in time.

CVLTO! That’s right, that’s the name of the organization, they just texted me the name.

When I got back in time, the horror was revealed. I have no idea who thought this was a good plan.

Apparently, there were a few weird art projects in place that had nothing to do with anything but were occupying a shitload of valuable elbow space. Particularly the one between toilets.

HD: Oh! I remember that room, the really bright white one with only two people?

PB: Yeah, that one. Gimme some of that vodka and cover for me, this part is right for you.

*big gulp of pure vodka*

HD: Alright! So Maus Hábitos included this massive waste of space which was completely empty every time I passed by it on the way to the bathroom. You could see the sadness in their eyes, but at least they had each other, right? Right?

Next time, maybe expose your arty content in a place not filled with drunken retards like myself, as you can see nobody cares.

…AND SPEAKING OF NOBODY CARES!!!

PB: Goddamnit, two pages and we haven’t gotten to the bands yet…

HD: For some unknown reason, there were two guys who, allegedly, are supposed to be masters of the “art” of tattooing people. They would be at the event doing what they do BUT LIVE…alright! Nothing wrong with that yes?

PB: NO!!!

HD: Hey! I’m getting to that, drink your vodka.

PB: You drink this shit you fucking asshole! I’m angry for a change and I wanna talk!

HD: Whooooaaaa! Mr. Herculean Testicles over here. Go on, you’re the boss.

“The following part of the report has been censored heavily by request of a third party, so we apologize to anyone who has a sense of humour and ask you to understand that a lot of people haven’t found theirs yet. The originals shall remain locked in the basement”

HD: Long story short, Johnny Corvo is a complete idiot with no regard for his craft or his customers. Can we wail on the bands now?

PB: We still have to mention the incident…

HD: Oh right! I can do that in 5 seconds. The owner from Maus Hábitos lost his shit because we put up a poster from our Metal Fiesta next to the merch booth, next to the giant sign of our logo that bothered no one and…

PB: …and we left it there, didn’t we?

HD: Yeah…Anyway, the guy from Maus Hábitos was yelled at by his tiny testicles and forced to take the poster down. Why you ask?

PB: They don’t want posters in there from shows that aren’t at Maus Hábitos.

HD: What a bag of dicks. They even make me sound like a little girl selling cookies to old people.

PB: Yes, Maus Hábitos only supports itself, which begs the question, why should we support them?

HD: I like where this is going.

PB: There will be more issues with the venue, but let’s get to the bands and that will come up eventually at the best possible time.

HD: FINALLY!!! “Pledge” was totally gay right?

PB: No, Pledge was a great beginning for this sequel. A powerful sludge band that made great use of their space and pumped the audience nicely. The vocalist looked genuinely pissed off at people, what a train!

HD: Not more than me?

PB: Tons more. After that was “Manferior”, which is a band name that reminds me a lot of you, Dick.

HD: I have to admit, it’s sort of catchy. But I’ve heard shitcore bands like these a million times.

PB: They actually identify as a shitcore band on Facebook.

HD: Really? That’s honest of them.

PB: “Manferior” opened the pit properly and violence infected the audience like chlamydia at a cheap whore house.

HD: Eh, trust me, that gets around much faster than a mosh pit.

PB: Unfortunately, nobody headbutted a ceiling fan this time, but Manferior displayed their thick iron claws and they were pretty big. A band of Badasses that kept snowballing the party to explosive eights.

HD: And that’s the bands! Just two shit bands, thank you for reading this fetid garbage and we’ll see you next ti-…

PB: Dude, no. There’s DJ sets.

HD: What? Nobody stays for that!

PB: The headliner was a DJ man.

HD: No way, seriously? No wonder the party sucked.

PB: After “Manferior”, synth casuals were tricked into thinking “Neoslave” was playing. YOU FOOLS! That was Perturbator’s Future Club. That is the synth equivalent of mistaking Cannibal Corpse for Megadeth you plebs.

HD: You know too much about this shit.

PB: “Crook Nadramia” was the first DJ set of the night and it was way better than the previous first DJ. Loved the shift in tone here. Where Penta.Grama where more goth and dramatic, C.N. where more blyat and hardbass with synths included.

HD: …and?

PB: Sadly, “Crook Nadramia” followed in the footsteps of Penta.Grama by having really bad song transitions. I love Carpenter Brut’s Turbo Killer but you dropped it so suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of another song that it was just confusing.

Great soundtrack though, quite bouncy.

However, the transition from them to “Neoslave” was smooth and clear. Darkness descended, red covered the walls and Satan was about to synth our asses back to hell.

Neoslave” exploded and the audience went mad! Dancing was rampant and wild, tits and asses shaking in all directions.

HD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAND THEN?

PB: Damnit…

HD: You knew it was coming.

PB: I did.

HD: But you didn’t want to believe it.

PB: I didn’t.

HD: But what else can you do? You have to report. That’s the job.

PB: Damn…

Right in the middle of “Neoslave’s” amazing, boner inducing show…

HD: Calm down with the boners.

PB: NO!!! FUCK DAMNIT!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! During “Neoslave”, one of our partners from Magma found me in the frontline and told me the good news… IT WAS TIME TO CLOSE UP SHOP!!!

PB: Basically, what he told me was, we have to pack up everything, leave and we can’t leave shit in the closet…and we have to do it RIGHT NOW!

HD: In the middle of the fucking headliner! HAHAHAH! This shit is hilarious!

PB: Once again, this order came from Maus Hábitos. However, this issue would have been easily avoided if THERE WEREN’T TWO RETARDS DOING TATTOOS IN A CROWD OF DRUNKS AND JUNKIES!!!

HD: “Waaaah, I wanna be near the people!” You fucking baby, why don’t you tattoo people in the middle of the street? During a thunderstorm, on rush hour, while driving a bicycle and juggling chainsaws.

PB: So, while doing our job of REPORTING, we had to leave and make sure that all the stuff from the merch booth was looked after, amidst a horde of drunken junkies.

HD: Classless drunken junkies, unlike ourselves.

PB: Do you see? Do you understand that this ENTIRE part of the report would not exist if you had used your space properly, defined your priorities, and what is relevant to a music event? THAT’S WHY WE’RE RAMBLING HERE! Your bad planning caused us to abandon the show! We wanted to make a good report! We wanted to WATCH EVERY SECOND OF NEOSLAVE! That was in our fucking job description!

But because this Johnny Corvo got the highest fucking spotlight in the history of whatever this is, we couldn’t fully report the headliner! This headliner sold one t-shirt. And how do we know this? HE TOLD US!!! And we were there when the guy brought them. If it wasn’t for DOD and Neoslave teaming up, he would have sold zero shirts.

Magma sold one T-shirt to our good buddy Carlos. We don’t know how much the other bands sold.

Neoslave, Pledge, Manferior, Magma and Drunk on Drugs, all the merch from these entities stuffed in a table that wouldn’t fit two people on a romantic dinner.

There was a feeling of discarded irrelevance, not to DOD…

HD: We wouldn’t give two shits if they smelled like cinnamon.

PB: The artists you booked, your other partners felt shunned, boxed up and abandoned in favour of what?

HD: But tattoos are cool boss! Look at this dolphin I have on my left ball, do you think someone will let me tattoo the right ball at Maus Hábitos?

PB: Anyway, we managed to catch the end of “Neoslave’s” show. He did a squat on the mixing table while still mixing; it was the most Slav thing ever at Maus Habitos, they don’t deserve the honour of hosting such a fine artist as this Belgian Slav mothercuker from hell’s bad neighbourhood.

HD: We’re not going to report the other techno trance crap that closed the show, it was pretty bland and unimpressive.

PB: Well I…

HD: You know it was boring.

PB: It was kinda boring I suppose, but that’s what happens when you play after Neoslave.

HD: Pretty sure they would have sucked all day and all night, like your mom.

PB: While the last DJ’s were playing, we caught up with some of our replacements who were now in charge of the leftover merch booth, now wholly dedicated to band merch.

HD: Their faces were priceless!

PB: Yes, we could see in their expressions that they felt our pain, they knew the closet was not a good place for the merch, it deserved better.

HD: Speaking of FUNNY FACES!

PB: Every single time we went to the bar we got served by different people. Every time we asked for a beer, we asked the price…

HD: …And every one of them flinched when they answered.

PB: That’s right, their faces immediately betrayed them, saying “I’m so sorry bro, I know 2,50 is a massive rip off for one beer but I just work here man” right to our faces.

HD: A split second but unmistakable.

PB: So, what did we learn from another night at Maus Hábitos?

HD: That Maus Hábitos is a shithole with shit management, and an elitist sense of, well, elite?

PB: We already knew that.

HD: Right…

PB: We learned that there is a lot of relevant stuff you have to check, ponder, analyze and decide if you want your Fiesta to be successful. Despite our rantings here, it was a successful party.

HD: Nobody likes sequels, though.

PB: Considering certain things that happened, this could have gone much worse and most of the issues everyone had during the event are easily traced back to…

HD: SHIT MANAGEMENT, Maus Hábitos!

PB: Yeah, the venue is not the best and as much freedom as they claim to shower upon their slaves, they continue being assholes with retarded rules.

HD: And never forget, Neoslave is better on YouTube, better than the real thing.

PB: Fuck off, I missed that song because of the shit management.

HD: Wrap this up already so I can wrap something else up.

PB: Don’t be harsh on the organization, they are doing great things even if TOO MANY at the same time. It’s only natural that some of them will slip out slightly raw.

HD: Like your shitty YouTube videos.

PB: You made the last video.

HD: Working with YOUR footage.

PB: Bottom Line, no one else is bringin’ Synthwave to this fucking city, so what choice is there? It is what it is, but someone has to break the monopoly.

HD: Perfect! That’s a wrap. I’m leaving, you can keep this up if you want, I have shit to do and meat to beat.

PB: Thank you for reading our Siamese report, we’ll see you next time, probably at our own Metal Fiesta, there will be alcohol for everyone. EVERYONE! There will be no expired burgers of any kind (this joke doesn’t work now because of censorship, but YEY! Freedom @ Maus Hábitos). Bring your retarded friends, it will be wheelchair accessible.

We won’t have a ramp, but our new Security cyborg, Killdroid, can carry your ass up the stairs and put you on stage.

See you on the 18th!!!

 

 

Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick

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XXXAPADA NA TROMBA 2019

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Finally we get to release a magazine and its on the mostest brutalest fest our Glorious Holy Nation of PORTUGAL has to offer! XXXapada Na Tromba running with its 4th edition arrives and we couldn’t wait any longer.

We argued the way we should have gone to this amazing meeting of brutal death culture (if that is still a thing), the boss argued we should go by plane because it would be cheaper, I wanted to go by train but eventually gave in and the tickets were handled.

The day comes and we meet at the airport, go have a piss, realise airport food is overpriced as fuck and starve our way to the boarding gate where the same guy who argued for us to go by plane forgets any kind of documentation that could identify him, making him miss the flight (drivers license in the car by the way). Anyways, the steps we had to do compared to him riding along with friends in a plan B car made us arrive a little bit later, giving him a little sarcastic ass faced grin, you know the very punchable one. But it’s time to get to business.

The biggest party of the year begins! “Monigo” were the first of many uplifting bands that brought the party side to the brutality with their signature “tupa tupa” pornogrind, looking like bloodied hillbillies, hailing from madrid, these super grind bros opened what i would consider the best edition this festival ever had.

After a smoke break, we met with the Spanish “Rato Raro” on stage, and the only way i can describe what they look like would be to simply imagine skinny grandpa with his 2 buff as fuck grandkids, the music isn’t exactly what i look for in the festivals theme, but it’s still mildly headbanging material. It was also during this band that picture proof that I am not, and I repeat, I AM NOT HUGH DICK, was taken. We are seen together in the same pictures over a few Photography pages out there, do your own research retards!

A little later I had the pleasure to finally see my old internet friend on stage, the band that also once had a show in SWR Barroselas Metalfest. “Crepitation”  finally returned to Portuguese lands to share their… whatever that thing they do with their fingers in their lips is, although it looked incredibly silly you can’t deny the brutality and heaviness of the tea drinkers that promised and delivered a slamming show.

Holy shit is that Phil Collins? Didn’t know he was part of “Meat Spreader”. The self titled “Four riders of gore punk” turned the whole room into a mosh hazard with their blasting performance. Even though the vox man looked totally out of place, it was absolutely hilarious to watch the botched attempts at crowd surfing and people realising that they can’t run for longer than what those blasts last, me being one of them. Polish grinding rawness at its finest.

Then followed a quick parking lot meal and a drink with some newly met buddies from mexico, and a bunch of binge smoking and drinking as usual. It’s great to see people from all around the world coming to enjoy the best brutal festival Portugal has to offer.

Cripple Bastards”, the grindcore veterans from Ice Tea… I mean Asti, Italy, suffered a little from the timing of the set right after dinner, people were digesting, asses burned by the cheap rough supermarket toilet paper and the worst of all, trying to digest your food while smelling the unwashed armpits and ass cracks of wookies, I just hope nobody got fleas. Some people were intoxicated enough to mosh but the majority were just laying back and watching the lesson in true Italian grind fashion.

The return of “Epicardiectomy” was as expected excellency in slam culture, if that is still a thing, the czech quartet not only sported new fabulous hairstyles, but it also seems like they arent so much into the whole wigga slamboy thing, the more serious sounding and heavier set was well timed for a softer time as our bowels kept moving around, the slow raging slams were perfect for people to have a good time in the slow mosh style common in slam bands, the zombies are out and the things are certainly heating up around here.

The 27 year old Portuguese grind veterans “Grog” followed. I could write a thousand compliments about these guys but I believe i’ve ran out of them. Refer to my older reports of these guys for guidance. Put them in the national Pantheon or some shit.

The grinders from Limburg, “Inhume” were next, and finally chaos was set loose and the hordes of smelly bearded men were wild in the pit, the performance could be described to what looked like 2 bald guys having a seizure and a dude screaming “ISTO É DO CARALHO!” from the bottom of his lungs every time a song was over. I think it was 2 bald men… was it 4? I’m not drunk, you’re drunk!

Finally the band I’ve been begging for years and years when I filled up the “What band would you like to see on the next edition of x or y fest? “ questionnaires with one word, or multiple of, “Brodequin”.

The international brutal death metal trio absolutely ripped apart whatever energy was left of me, I was dripping sweat from the whole continuous blasting and heavy breaks and fucking shit did I love it. Apparently wookies aren’t fond of civil people having fun but that did not break the mood as I was too busy in the trance of the snare going faster than I can say “tatata”. And when The Virgin Of Nuremberg hit, all shit was lost. Lets hope these boys bring Embodied Torment and Disgorge along sometime soon.

Satan’s Revenge On Mankind” was next, an enjoyable show but people were tired after the last performance and the 2 naked ghouls were only distracting us from the music, I wouldn’t say a weak performance but I was too tired for it, there was more to see the following day.

On Saturday we opened with “Annihilation”, the Portuguese female fronted (uh-oh) death metal quintet had a nice debuting performance, or so I was told, I watched it partially on youtube due to missing them because of traffic. The mic failed a bunch of times, it was funny, at least for us. The drummer also had an IRA shirt, dunno if that’s a worker or just support but good for you.

The death metal quartet “Undersave” was next and I can certainly see the lack of dancing girls during the national bands, is that because of jealous girlfriends or are they really that smelly?

The set wasn’t really my cup of tea but it was enjoyable, some good old tech death parts in there that certainly throw me off but i could enjoy the rawness hidden in between all of the messing around.


Hymenotomy” were my second most wanted band on the card and fuck, it was an isolated incident of true brutality in the before dinner part of the fest. I just don’t understand why the front boys are so far apart, do they dislike each other or something?

I met up earlier with the drummer and he was a pretty cool dude, certainly an honor to see them live and to satiate my excitement for their turn. The set was as brutal as expected, the ping snare was so strong that I almost wet myself right there. The Estonian trio delivered their hardest face melting blasts and slams on their first time in Portugal. Please come back.

Also mecha predator showed up with a red whip and someone threw a balloon at her.

UxDxS”, the four Danish grindmen gave a nice but underwhelming performance, I was still too overblown from Hymenotomy’s set and I needed more of what would come only later in the night.

Tu Carne” was a better soundtrack for what the mood was set to, slower but harder hitting, the spanish grind group brought the first wave of silly costumes nobody could wait to pop into, we already had a few xxxicken purists yesterday but I guess today was the day to do that. I don’t allow fun so my costume was pretending I had a tiny dick.

The German pornogrind kings, “Gut”, came out with 2 underperforming wannabe bdsm strippers but rubbing yourself ont he floor isnt kinky, not even close. They weren’t providing enough distractitties so listening to the whole 16 minutes of Gut’s set was easy.

Tupa tupa snares, luchador mask, they had it all going and in the true spirit of the genre it was the controlled but explosive mix between partying and seriousness, the music didn’t suffer from all the fooling around.

The Portuguese slam heavyweight champions, “Analepsy”, came out sporting sick white back panels, it’s great to see our xxxapada usuals grow to the dimension these guys have, all backed by impressive talent and charisma by all members. A destroying performance with all the things you’d expect from them, crushing slams with just the right dose of blasts and double kicking that made them a national and international success, proud of you boys! Also is it me or is Marco gonna start doing the splits soon?

The Italian blasting brutal death monsters “Devangelic” spreaded heresy and mayhem through the venue, everyone erupting into a huge pit that started in the previous set, everyone was killing it this time and finally my thirst for raw brutal death was satiated once again, the rebooked boys after missing Xxxicken Party (who?) returned as promised to Portugal to scare every grandmother away with they scrilegic imagery and face melting riffs accompanied by unholy blasting and the occasional nun rape.

Repeating a show in 2019 here are “Prostitute Disfigurement”, the brutal death metalers from the Netherlands displayed again what they are all made of, sadly no one disfigured a prostitute on stage but I sure did hope they did, there’s already 5 massive dudes on stage, girls teasing on the corner are barely noticeable but male genetics can’t avoid looking at nipples. The raw blasting was enough to keep everyone moving though and it was one fucking hard performance.

The following bands were the type to calm the crowd down, “Serrabulho” and “Pornthegore” was totally missed by me but I caught a few bits of it and it seemed that the wookie, skinhead and massive fat dude that were just having a fistfight are now dancing like massive retards. As I’ve said every year, “party grind” is not my thing and I’d rather not comment than talk shit.


Nah fuck it! They are still a massive bathroom break.

And that finishes the report for this year, hope you grabbed this editions copy of the Drunk on Drugs Magazine, enjoyed the amazing time we had at the fest and remember, being happy is pretty gay!

VIDEO:

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Text by Angry Hateful Reviews

Video by Partyboy

Video editing by Hugh Dick

EROS 2019 DICK REPORT (NSFW)

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“Hey there friends! Partyboy here, writing to you from the trunk of my own FUCKING CAR! Hugh Dick tricked and locked me in here, he told the girls from CVLTO that I had to pick up his girlfriend at the airport so he can try the swing club later. That is utter bullshit, he’s the most single person on earth.

Anyway, I have no idea what he’s planning but remember not to take him seriously, he’s kind of an asshole.”

At long last, working at the dumbest company of all time pays off. For the first time, Drunk on Drugs has cast aside it’s shitty metal roots and dived dick first into the best Porn Festival in the country! FUCK YES! I have great things to say about this event.

Yes, you read correctly, I have good things to say, but don’t worry, there will be a lot of ranting as well.

The Eros Expo is basically a showcase of porn stars, strip clubs and sex shops, mixed with some seminars on several topics as well as hippie shit, but we’ll get to all that.

There wasn’t exactly a running order on any of this shit, apart from the Sex(y) Talk (the y is vagina, get it? it looked better with their font), so we’ll just go stage by stage telling you what the fuck went down.

There was a total of four stages in the main area who operated at random intervals, but there was usually always something going on.

“The rest of the report has been edited with bold for the general public due to Hugh Dick’s highly caustic nature and disregard for other humans. If you want the uncensored version, e-mail us.”

Sometimes, there was homosexual stuff going on, for the homosexual parts of Eros, please check this website: www.cvlto.pt

First up, we had the Crazy Girls stage, lots of fake tits (though not entirely), fun with dildos, fun with each other. This was a nice stage, you could even stick dildos in the girls if you liked but that probably costs extra and I need money for beer.

Speaking of beer, 2 euros for a sagres? That is disgusting, I hope someone gets herpes everywhere. The whiskey servings were also ridiculously small.

Right next to the Crazy Girl Stage was the Bad Boy stage, self explanatory right? I didn’t spend much time at this particular stage.

I must say though, while we are on the topic of men. It was hilarious to witness that men are way better dancers and strippers than women. The gay guy with the Mickey tattoos was insane, even the other strippers were amazed at his skills and his ass which held the Mickey tattoos(also Minie on the other cheek).

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              “Hugh Dick wonders if he has the big gay like people who listen to Six Feet Under”

On sunday there was also a S.W.A.T. stripper, a massive motherfucker who gave this shy little stripper a lap dance. After watching his performance, I will now make it my mission to master the pussy eating headstand.

Anyway, the female strippers had the looks but not the skills. Ladies, please step up your game, regular girls are hot too, they are just overly dressed and don’t know how to move around a pole.

Oh yeah, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, every stage had a pole in the middle.

Moving on, to the left of the Bad Boys was the Life Strip Club stage. They had one extremely sexy stripper who was supposed to give a lap dance to a couple but every couple in earshot wussed out. It was then I regretted leaving Partyboy in the car, he can look pretty girly from behind.

The rest of their strippers were fairly unimpressive,  BUT EVERY ONE OF THEM WAS A STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DON’T NEED NO MAN.

They did surprise me on the last day, when they convinced a lesbian couple from the audience to get a lapdance that got WAAAAAAY out of hand in a good way.

Yes friends, it wasn’t just the performers titties anymore, this was some strange. Two strippers going to town on a shy lesbian couple, the script writes itself.

Immediately next to this stage was the Porn Stage. Here you could watch two actors foreplay each other with fingering and blowjobs. Then you could decide if 3 bucks is worth seeing them fuck for real, a lot of people thought so but I’m an alcoholic, I have priorities.

To the side of this was the swingers club, nothing to see here but a long line of varied couples with priceless expressions. Some were too eager while their partner was frowning, others just looked lost or worried, others were chill because it was like their 50th swing session at least.

People looked at me several times, hoping I would get in line, many girlfriends thought this would be the day. It was not the day. Apparently you need to be in a stable relationship to do swing, complete bullshit but I don’t make the rules.

There was a stage for a gay strip club which I don’t recall the name, hot something. It was gay, Ghost levels of gay but with less satan, so more gay.

Next to the toilet of course, you had the BDSM Stage, leather clad chicks shoving things in dude’s assholes, melting candles on each other’s backs, using pizza cutters, riding each other like ponies. Basically grunt with some gay music.

I left something very important out, I’m gonna get into that and then we’ll discuss the Sex(y) Talk seminars.

Between the BDSM and the Gay strip club stage, stood the best strip club in the entire fucking expo, the Mask.

These strippers, these RUSSIAN strippers did not show their cooch to the public, but instead chose a more doable soundtrack, danced better and had real boobs.

The best stripper was Catwoman, I don’t know her name but she had a cat mask, congrats to her for winning Eros. No you idiot, there was no actual competition at the expo, just me rating the girls in my head, Catwoman is a 10.

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                  “XXXAPADA NA TROMBA, are you seeing this? THIS is a stripper”

Not to shit on the other ones though, especially the asian looking one with the big tiddies. Props to the two identical strippers who danced with chairs and didn’t show us their boobs. However, there was a very nice and unexpected nip slip but they probably don’t care, great show girls.

I still have some songs stuck in my head from watching catwoman dance and I have no idea what they were. Probably shitty ones but her hip-line hypnotized me. Mask, if you’re reading this, send me that playlist ASAP.

Alright, everything has been covered, between the stages there was a load of sex shops, food trucks, a tattoo parlor, a candy shop with candy shaped like me and a bar with bad music playing too loud.

There were two more things to see in Eros, the Sex Talks and…the goddamn hippies.

Even here, at a convention centered around wild fucking, hippies have to show up and ruin everything. HOW CAN YOU RUIN SEX?

Simple, you ask a hippie.

So the hippies had this big dark room covered with rugs and they danced on it, covered in glitter and wearing only these weird wonder woman looking belts, throwing star trek signs at people and generally not doing anything sexual at all.

The most sexual thing I saw them do was these two girls and a guy who were curled up like balls in a fetal position, softly kissing each other. SOFTLY!!!!

You guys realize there are people literally sucking each other off on stage back there right? Step it up, stop with this weird shit, shove something in somewhere for fucks sake. Goddamn hippies.

Full disclosure, only 50% of CVLTO’s staff actually enjoyed the hippie crap, we won’t say witch half.

Alright, on to the Sex(y) Talk conferences, there were about 18 or twenty of them, I attended exactly 6 of them.

The first one was this woman I’ve never heard of in my life but is apparently famous around here. Beatriz Gosta gave a conference about sex on social networks, apparently women are frowned upon and refrain from being openly sexual on the internet.

Beatriz Gosta and I obviously do not have the same friends on social media. This was the first time I realized these people were a little out of touch with the massive amounts of garbage the internet has to offer. These poor sheltered souls, I weep for them.

Regardless, Beatriz Gosta had some good points, we had a fun time, barely anyone in the audience had the balls to talk to her though.

I don’t get it people,you came to a POOOOORN COOONVENTION, you are already perverts, just fucking go with it, don’t hold back now, think of your health. Be as nasty as you want, you paid for that ticket. I didn’t but that’s not the point here.

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    “No Beatriz, trust me. Girls love it when you pull their heads down on your sausage. I checked.”

Props to the one old man who admitted to having sex with 7 women at the same time but doesn’t remember the details, a true hero. Beatriz naturally asked what drugs he was on at the time, he said it was all beer, what a legend.

After that I enlightened her about the problem men have with eating pussy which is the taste and smell. This is a sad reality friends, just be a pussy eater for fucks sake, man up! Guys in the 50’s ate pussy like they smoked cigarettes, quit complaining. But of course, if she complains that your dick tastes funny, slap her with it. It goes both ways, you have to be fair.

We had a great time with her. However, the funniest part will be omitted, the boss won’t let me include that in the report because it’s “unprofessional”. Suffice to say we had a good laugh at the expense of co-workers.

The second Sex(y) Talk I attended was not a talk at all. The extremely talented and well-endowed (perhaps too well-endowed) Pamela Sanchez performed a Squirting MasterClass.

She sat down, started slowly touching certain parts of her body, she got naked eventually but I swear I don’t remember how or when, she was just suddenly naked. She did the classic metal clamp on her pussy for a while, then some moaning begins.

Suddenly, it happened. It was like someone had turned on a garden hose, she squirted so unexpectedly that the front row had to back away quickly with their chairs, I’m 90% sure they didn’t get out in time. Those lucky fucks got squirted on by Pamela Sanchez. TWICE!

Our next Sexy Talk was on saturday with Gino Esteves. Props to Gino for actually knowing the fuck he’s talking about, great talk, great advice. I also helped him display types of hugs to the crowd, yeah, people don’t know how to fucking hug each other(that’s fine though, huggin is pretty gay).

However, Gino was in fact spewing a LOT of common sense, it appalled me greatly that these “couples” at this porn expo are so fucking deep in their own taboos around fucking. It’s ridiculous, it’s unhealthy. Fuck as much as you want, fuck whatever you want, whenever you want, quit being attached to things and people and life will be a breeze. In the words of Gino himself (nah, it was probably some proverb he got off the internet), nothing is too bad that it can’t get worse, or too good that it can’t get better.

In unbelievably stark contrast came our next Talk with the person who was responsible for these sex talks in general. Aline Castelo Branco, remember that name…

This PERSON had no fucking clue what the fuck she was saying! Tons of couples were there listening to her “Sexologist Expert Advice” and they probably stayed till the end listening to her garbage.

This talk was allegedly, about giving pleasure to women. Now I get it, women love shitting on men, so that was the pleasure part I guess.

We stayed for five minutes, in these five minutes she said things like; PMS is a couple issue, not a girl issue. Sorry single girls, this is why your life is miserable, you don’t have a boyfriend to help out with your period, sucks to be you.

She also said compliments everyday save relationships, this woman has obviously never been a guy complimenting every woman in bar. She has also never been a guy dealing with a girl with PMS who will tell you to get castrated and die if you say she looks pretty today.

She went on to say that women can do everything while men think inside boxes because they are so worthless and dependant on women.

Congrats guys, you got a PERSON WITH LIMITED WISDOM to give young inexperienced couples some relationship advice. She hates them, she doesn’t care about them and she has no fucking clue. This was sad to witness, truly. Even Partyboy would agree with me on this.

Just so you don’t think this is some anti women bullshit, our CVLTO partners (who are women) also saw through her lies and left with me.

Let me give some advice to women speakers. Can you just stop addressing men in such a condescending way? It pisses you off when a man acts condescending towards you yes? When he pats you on the head and goes “wow, look at you, you did that? and you’re a GIRL? WOW!!! Well, that guy was me and I do not represent the whole of the male gender, I go my own way(Although a lot of guys do need to stop being complete little bitches or your girlfriends will find themselves around my waist).

The last sex talk wasn’t that sexual because it was with Fernando Alvim, a famous portuguese comedian though I don’t remember why he’s famous. He was going to talk about fake porn news.

Basically he shared a bunch of old shitposts with the audience and told us it was fake news.

REALLY? Richard Gere didn’t show up at the Hospital with a gerbil up his ass? That barely literate story about the plummer who accidentally banged his best friends mom isn’t true? That little girl didn’t really realize it was her parents sextape after fingering herself? WOW, my worldview is shattered!

Also never forget the guy who got his girlfriend and her mom pregnant at the same time, that didn’t happen either (especially because I’m not paying no child support).

Alright, Alvim wasn’t that bad but his contents would not be surprising or fresh to anyone familiar with South Park. The funniest part is South Park actually aired on Sic Radical and this guy worked there. Still, about 5 years too late for all those memes, sorry bro.

To end this extremely erotic report, I must tell you of the miracle that happened last friday during International gal’s day. You will not find these details on CVLTO’s report. CVLTO are women and were naturally on strike that day, so this miracle is a DOD exclusive.

On that night, a handicapped man went up the the Crazy Girls stage to receive a lapdance from this cute black stripper with stunning biddies, dressed in black leather.

He had some difficulty walking and one of his hands was hooked around his chest, paralyzed. With an eager smile, she slowly helped him up the steps and onto a chair.

She then proceeded to give this poor man, who has clearly been pooped on by god, the best lapdance of his dreams, you should have seen the twinkle in his eyes.

At a certain point, she sat on his lap, holding his hands on her hips, then squirted some sexy gel all over her titties. As she slams his hands upon her creamy tits, both hands began caressing wildly by themselves, the paralyzed arm moved with new life again, as if nothing was wrong with him at all.

In all my years working at Drunk on Drugs, I have never witnessed such a miraculous event, the audience was weeping, touched by the moving scene that just transpired, absolutely inspirational.

This stripper performed the greatest act of kindness of human history, together with all the other strippers, they have shown me a new way, I now have a very deep respect for strippers worldwide and hope that everything goes well in their lives. These are real women in charge of their bodies, they know very well the power they possess.

And that was Eros, thanks a bunch to CVLTO for sending me to the epicenter of breasts and fluids, this makes me worry less about our partnership, just don’t forget to call the Mask every time you book a show like Filha da Cvlto, I ain’t showing up without strippers.

Alright, I have to go get my boss out of the trunk, hope I don’t catch him jacking off again. Dick out.

If for some reason you want to read CVLTO’s bland report of Eros which makes clear they spent a whooping 5 minutes looking around before running away, check these links right here, they have more pictures and more gay stuff;

CVLTO EROS PT 1

CVLTO EROS PT 2

To be fair, they did a good job taking pictures and my boss totally didn’t force me to write this;

PHOTO GALLERY

 

Text by Hugh Dick

Photography by CVLTO

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