Aveiro Metal Clash 1st Edition – Angry Shithead Bastard Report

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“Warning, the man who wrote this report had found his girlfriend having a threesome with his parents on the same day so he was very upset and angry at the world, he is not to be taken seriously.”

This weekend I decided to waste my precious time by going to Aveiro to see some live music at this place called Hard Bar. The damn venue was in the middle of fucking nowhere, trees and shady houses all around, the beer tasted funny and was too expensive to get totally wrecked so I had to mooch my friends into buying me beer which they didn’t because they are a bunch of retards.

Anyway, after the show was an hour and a half late, the first band went up on stage to make us wish they hadn’t. “Punchdown’s” music along with their show was a real punch to the crotch and it made me want to curl up into a fetal position and die, it was whiny and definitely not brutal or dark enough for my brutal and dark tastes in music.

“Grimlet” was up next with their sad attempt at making old school death metal, they tried very hard and failed at being extreme, the concert was generic and badly played, I hope they take the handful of coins they made from this show and buy some music lessons if they didn’t spent it on beer already, I know I would have. They played a Behemoth cover so that people wouldn’t be so mad at how terrible they were, everyone was still pissed because they didn’t play it properly but since they like Behemoth and a bunch of other actually brutal bands mentioned before the cover, people chilled and no one was hanged.

To finally end this wreck of a fest came a band called “Burn Damage” who tried to be brutal and technical and failed. The vocalist was a woman which is always great to convince dudes and honest lesbians to go see your show. They though their music was edgy and modern but it was just bad, the audience felt bad for them and pretended to be entertained because they didn’t want the vocalist to be sad, even going to the lengths of asking very hard for one more song and suffering through it just so the band wouldn’t cry themselves to sleep that night.

Very noble from the audience, they can fuck themselves as well, I spit at them all from my nose.

A terrible decision on my life, at least by next week I won’t remember any of this because there was nothing worth remembering at all. I’d have someone fuck me in the ass to get my gas money back but sadly the bands already fucked me with their terrible performances, thanks a lot.

Text by Hugh Dick

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