Surprise Metal Shot 3- Angry Shithead Bastard Report

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“Warning, the man who wrote this report had found two flies having intercourse on his soup before heading to the show so he was extremely disgruntled and prone to dislike various things for no reason, do not take him seriously.”

 

World Metal Domination sent us another round of Surprise Metal Shots via Metalpoint and oh boy did it taste like the most rancid ass juice of all time.

I was overtly unexcited for this show so I stayed put, drinking beer and wine with my bros before the shit fest started, Satan knows I was going to need all the possible intoxication to live through that rancid filth.

I got inside Metalpoint and the first band “Fallen Paradise” was still on the first song, fuck me! They squirted out some retarded sounds that vaguely resembled prog death, they didn’t even had a bass player, probably because any decent bass player heard the music and committed suicide, forcing the band to stop auditions to prevent the extinction of that rare and exotic bird, the bassist.

Just as everyone thought shit wasn’t getting any browner and smellier, in comes “Sunlight”, that’s right, metal as fuck. A bunch of douches in sunglasses (because of all the sunlight, get it?) with a keyboardist played some old style Heavy Metal with all the elements that make people think Heavy Metal is gay. They played some covers to trick everyone into thinking the original songs weren’t so terrible and kept asking the really small crowd to sing with them which they did so it wouldn’t be awkward, it was still really awkward.

Finally it was over and I could go home and forget all about it, except that I couldn’t because it’s my fucking job to tell you people how it went and no one even reads this shit. Fucking hell, I’m going to get whiskey, I’m sure it will give me better shots than that.

 

Text by Hugh Dick

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