Apostles of the Eternal Fire CAVE 45 Angry Shithead Bastard Report


“Warning, the man who wrote this report initially had plans to go on a date with an obese woman but he was turned down at the last minute because the fat girl saw this guy who was in a band, therefore he was very pissed off at anyone who was in bands.”


Fucking rain, why do these black metal bands always attract rain and shit like that? Wasting my good Saturday night on these weirdos, could have stayed home by the fire eating marshmallows, drinking coco and jacking off but no, Partyboy had to drag me to Cave 45 so my ears could suffer and bleed.

Good to know the bands weren’t allowing photography, I guess the flash startles animals or makes museum pieces decay faster, don’t know which one applies to this situation. So nobody is going to bother to read this crap anyway since there are no pretty pictures, this makes me feel even better inside about wasting my precious Saturday night.

I arrived as the first band was playing “OCERCO”, three guys, the vocalist had a beret, holy shit! I guess they were breaking out the black metal scary Satan props early, except berets are the kind of shit worn on the head by freshmen art college little virgins and not by demons or anything like that. Terrible all the way, next band.

The next band, this time a trio of Spaniards who kept everyone waiting forever while they put on make-up like women, very classy, I’m impressed, slow clap. The vocalist didn’t have a beard so I assume he was gay and by association, his music is gay. I didn’t listen anymore after I figured this out, I went to get more beer instead. They were called “Balmog” by the way, must be some homosexual position involving balls I’d say.

When I came back, “The Ominous Circle” were starting their first show ever and I really hope it was the last too. First I thought it was a joke or something theatrical to start the concert, but no, the band actually came out with hoodies and shit covering their heads so they couldn’t see anything or ear much of anything either, they just played randomly on their instruments, hitting random notes for half an hour or so, I don’t know I was wasted.

Since they couldn’t see with their fancy hoods, none of them realized the crowd was bored and wanted them to leave. It got old pretty fast, I really hope they were blinded and playing very wrong, if those were the actual songs then I wonder if any of them have ever heard music before.

Partyboy promised me a beer for sitting through all this garbage, if he doesn’t get me at least five after this tragic, ridiculous and homosexual show, I am going to punch him twice on each testicle and then kick him in the dick.


Text by Hugh Dick


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