“Warning, the man who wrote this report wasn’t fast enough to grab the whiskey bottle when his little brother accidentally dropped it on the floor, it was an expensive bottle he was saving for a special occasion so he was pretty steamed and grumpy, do not take him seriously.”
Last Wednesday, two bands came to Cave 45 to suck, we went along as well because why not? It’s not like I have a life or anything like that, might as well go see someone else trying to have one since I find these attempts so infinitely amusing.
The first act was called “Ana Paris”, I was expecting some pin-up dame with a sparkling red dress between her shoulders and knees, sitting on a piano with a 50’s microphone between her tits, whispering into it as if it were my dick. Instead it was four bearded and moustached dudes who played bland music and called it rock. This is false advertising at its most blatant, someone should sue this band, there was no hot Ana sitting on a piano and there was no Paris, that part I can excuse, fuck Paris. The vocalist was so wasted he didn’t know which day of the week it was.
After that came the big bearded Americans who played some more music for us in exchange for whiskey apparently. I would do it, if someone gave me free booze to slap around some instruments like a clown, hell, I’d do it twice a day, every day of the week. Sadly, since the bartenders kept feeding them whiskey, they wouldn’t stop playing. Also because the audience was scared of them, they were big ass Americans, we thought they might have guns somewhere, Partyboy didn’t think so but he was really high and digging the music because he’s a fag.
They played some requests to fool everyone into thinking they were cool and not trying to take over the country and its resources.
The audience, afraid of impending shootouts requested one more song when they were preparing to leave, what are you crazy? This was a hostage situation you dicks! As if it weren’t bad enough that one more song was imminent, the guy asked if we wanted a slow song or a fast song and some retard said both! Are you trying to betray your country?
Anyway, they played the slow one, then the fast one and the audience still asked for more, they clearly don’t know anything about music, I don’t care how many Sleep shirts or Kyuss hats they have.
The bartender cut off the whiskey supply, so they played a Rush cover and bailed before anyone got hurt, I felt very relieved for my life after the show.
A truly life threatening situation, I most certainly won’t be back so soon unless beer is involved.
Text by Hugh Dick