Porto METAL MATCH – Cave 45 ANGRY SHITHEAD BASTARD REPORT

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“Warning, the man who wrote this report hates soccer and everyone who plays it because a soccer coach touched his penis when he was a little boy, so he gets triggered by football, do not take him seriously.”

 

Apparently someone thought it would be a great idea to mix a heavy metal show with soccer, that’s right SOCCER! Come get me hoolifags. Anyway, a bunch of drunken and probably hungover band members played soccer for a bottle of whiskey, a worthy cause I must say, but fuck soccer.

Gladly for me, I missed all that shit, I even missed the first band “Ghastly Town” woe’s me, I’m sure it was terrible in every way since it was the opening band, the rest wasn’t good either.

“Buzzocracy” was next, what does the name mean? I don’t fucking get it, reminds me of bureaucracy, something everyone certainly loves more than this band and you know how god damn exciting and fun bureaucracy is, specially bureaucrats. Whatever, they played some kind of death metal that wasn’t aggressive enough and had gay melodies.

After that train wreck came another, this time on the back of a run-down pick-up truck. “Happy Farm” brought out their Down syndrome vocalist to yell at the audience and feel special, the guitar and bass player were terrible, the only slightly decent musician on that stage was the drummer, good looking guy too, I’d hit that if I was a homo. The crowd moshed like horny animals and dragged me into their farm orgy, damn savages costed me a beer, and those things were running short for some reason.

To end that miserable night came some guys called “Terror Empire”. I was not terrified at all during the show, it was bland, gay and not terrifying or imperial in anyway. Everyone was happy and enjoying it because they don’t know any better and their music tastes are garbage.

Bad music, bad soccer, dumb people with bad taste, what a waste of a Saturday night, next time I’ll just down some bleach shots and stay at home in my underpants.

 

Text by Hugh Dick

 

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