“Our colleague Hugh has made his very own top 20 for 2016, he was a little upset we didn’t invite him to participate in the other one, but then again he doesn’t really like anything so there was no point in inviting the bastard in the first place.
Any similarities between his list and our best of list is pure coincidence, he’s kind of a dick, we urge you not to take him seriously. Let’s get this over with.”
Darkthrone – Artic Thunder – When you don’t have the skills to pay the bills, you ride the old school legend hype train, do anything with your guitar and you have an instant classic. Except no, you got shit, arctic shit. Nothing relevant here folks, keep scrolling.
Perturbator – The Uncanny Valley – Regardless of how dark and menacing this music sounds, it’s still not brutal and dark enough for me. You are better off listening fart noises through a string phone.
Xasthur – Taking Yourself Hostage- When I heard Xasthur was releasing a new album I was expecting top quality black metal like it had always delivered, not a trio of emo fags playing acoustic grandpas guitars and trying to make us their shoulder to cry on.
Vektor – Terminal Redux – Another generic thrash metal turd trying to be hip and modern but failing terribly. The only thing that saves Vektor is that they spell the name with a K which is way more metal than spelling it with a c, everyone knows that K’s are better than c’s every time since they are bigger and more intimidating and therefore, metal as fuck. The album is still bad though.
Nails – You Will Never be One of Us – This made wish someone would nail me to a cross as far away from this album as possible. I will never be one of you? That makes me so sad, it has always been my lifelong dream to be a nail and get banged on by big, hard sweaty hammers. This is the bad kind of noise and it should be avoided.
Mars Red Sky – Apex III (Praise for the Burning Soul) – A how to guide on making your stoner sound really gay. The first step is being French, the next is having a fag voice just like Ghost if they were trying to sell you flowers instead of Satan, hand-picked flowers, that part is important. Contrary to what the band would do with the flowers, do not pick this album up.
Surgical Meth Machine – A completely unlistenable turd, I can’t even call it an album. I especially disliked the part where he says Megadeth and Lamb of God suck, fuck you, Lamb of God is way more old school and trve shit than Ministry could ever dream of. And how come Al has never heard of The Cure, I don’t buy that, I know you know who the Cure is and they are beautiful. You suck though and your solo project sucks even more. Go back to singing Synthpop.
Tonebox – Nocturn – This one is even worse than Perturbator. Perturbator is bad but at least the guy makes an attempt at being dark and mysterious, this release is just gay and too electronic for my trve tastes.
Pryapisme – Repump the Pectine – “Hugh Dick had a seizure when we showed him this album, he didn’t want to say anything else, he just yelled that he was going to put this on the list for worst recordings of 2016.”
Mammoth Weed Wizard Bastard – Y Proffwyd Dwyl – They must have had a mammoth amount of weed when they thought of that name. They also must have been drunk when they spelled the name of the album, Y Proffwyd Dwyl, what the fuck is that supposed to be? Maybe that’s how they say shitty smelly garbage in North Wales.
Xenomorphic Contamination – Colonized from the Inside- Riding the money pony on the alien franchise like a boss. Why be original when you can pick up an existing successful gimmick that you know people are already in love with and make some songs about it. If it works in Hollywood it must work for the underground brutal death metal scene right? Right? Wrong!
Michael Arthur Holloway – Guilt Noir – I can’t say I heard too much of the album, I fell asleep after the first few seconds. So there’s your review, this piece of shit will put you to sleep. I went back and listened the album again and I wished I was asleep the whole time, a waste of my waking hours, I understand now that sleep was my body’s way of trying to protect me from such terrible music.
Wormrot – Voices – Apparently somebody left a large boulder trapped inside the washing machine and someone else came along, turned the washer on ultra-spin mode and recorded it as music. Avoid this like the plague, you are better off using the boulder to squish your balls.
Khonsu – The Xun Protectorate – Just look at that cover. Are we talking about Heavy Metal or are we talking about cheap sci-fi flicks from the 80’s that poorly ripped off Star Wars? Where are the skulls, the pentagrams, the satanic goats armed with machine guns, the overdose of blood in your face, the bullet belts, the grim reapers, the hot naked sluts being raped by zombies, where is the grim frostbitten evil from Norway? It isn’t here, and everyone knows that those are the kind of things Heavy Metal lacks and needs, therefore you should take a pass on this glittery turd, sci-fi is for nerds, metal is for men with hair above and below that reek of beer and farts.
Anaal Nathrakh – The Whole of the Law – Oh what? Did the music start yet? I’m sorry, I thought I was listening white noise from my shitty TV coupled with the neighbours yelling death threats at each other, apparently stuff that sounds like that passes for music these days.
Devin Townsend – Transcendence – Why is Devin Townsend still allowed to make music? Probably because he’s Canadian and everyone around there is too polite to beg him to stop and die quietly. I remember Strapping Young Lad, those were the days, the days when Devin made real music that made me feel better about that empty void in my life where a sex life should be. Now he just makes faggot sounding garbage, I guess he is dying quietly after all.
Conan – Revengeance – This album sounds and smells like some hairy caveman’s armpit. I’m sure it tastes accordingly if I put it in my mouth, but I don’t usually put shit in my mouth. I wish Arnold Schwarzenegger would punch them all in the crotch as revenge for making such primitive sounding noises and selling it as music. I hear they play live too, terrible news for me. Maybe that will make it easier for Arnie to find them and punch them for smearing the Conan name.
Ghoul – Dungeon Bastards – Do you people know that a bunch of cannibals with potato bags over their heads are going around in a van abducting people to eat them? Apparently they have a band and a new album out as well. Is there no decency? Ruthless cannibalistic murderers are allowed to roam the streets and make terrible music and I can’t say nigger on the internet. Anyway, the album is awful, if you like shabby looking corpse munching weirdos grunting and hitting musical instruments, then this is for you, you fucktard.
Alcool Club – Rap Proibido – White fuckboys trying to sound black and acting tough to fill the void in their soul where bitches should be.
Unfathomable Ruination – Finitude – A mess of random instruments being played while a guy tries to take a very loud shit. The only thing unfathomably ruined is my will to listen more music after I hear this crap. Is it possible to sue people for wasting your time?
That’s my list faggots, too bad that it couldn’t be bigger, so many more terrible sounding albums out there, it’s a shame we can’t cram all the shit into one post, but these really take the cake, the shitty expired moldy cake that wasn’t even good when it was fresh.
Text by Hugh Dick