“Warning, Dick’s opinion on music should not be taken seriously since he is an elitist asshole who is never happy with anything. We also believe he really needs to get laid but no one will do it. We have inquired with many street workers and call girls with no results. Do not take him seriously.”

The Portuguese underground, like the country itself, is pure garbage. So many terrible bands deserved so much to be on this shitty list, but I scrapped all the gross leftovers from the bottom of the bucket and came up with these crowning achievements on how not to do music.


Brutal Brain Damage – Bang Bang Theory – Everyone knows that cowboys and cowboy hats are for fags who need to fill the void inside their anus. The only brutal damage done here is to my willpower to continue listening music. You are better of watching the actual Bang Bang Theory, don’t forget the lotion and Kleenex.


Mr. Mojo – I don’t know why they bothered to give different names to all the songs, every one sounds the same. They didn’t have money or creativity for a logo so they just used a random stamp they found in their mom’s basement which is also where they live.


Sinistro – Semente – Really slow, really introspective and artsy which is the long way of saying whiny. If you want to cry like a little bitch, go listen to this, if you are a man, pick something else or your chest will forever be hairless.


Gorgásmico Pornoblastoma – Delírios de um Defunto – It smells like half-digested turds mixed in vomit, its goregrind anyway so it could only sound like shit, especially when you rip of shit bands.


Névoa – Re Un – When the hipsters want to bang that sexy looking black metal chic, this happens. Sadly it’s still far too hipster and not black metal enough for me, no necro or grimness to be found here. Look at that cover, IT’S A FUCKING STICK! I really hope that isn’t someone’s dildo, if it is, that person’s sex life is much sadder than mine, and mine is pretty depressing.


Misantropia – Power Hating Slaves – A bunch of Hobos, or punks or whatever you want to call them, got together and did this, I wish they hadn’t. They try to trick you into seeing their shows by putting a girl up for vocals, it did not work, still sounds like a fart trapped inside a cement mixer and trying to get out.


Colosso – Obnoxious – When the hipsters want to bang that big fat sexy death metal chic, this happens. This shit is overtly complex, I don’t understand why people like it, must make them feel like they understand shit about music. They don’t. Only I understand anything about music, certainly not musicians.


Morte Incandescente – …O Mundo Morreu! – I must say, listening this turd really does make me wish that the world was dead. Black metal is so easy, just make random fast noises on the worst possible instruments you can find and record it on your phone from 2005, how do you fuck that up? Ask these guys.


Skinning – Slaves of Insanity – These guys actually banged the fat sexy death metal chic, only because their sound is so generic and basic which is what the ladies like. Bland, unimaginative death metal that has been done a million times by a million bands, but hey, whatever gets you laid. I’d say nice things about bands if it would get me laid. Saying bad things about bands also doesn’t get me laid.


Benthik Zone – EVERYTHING – This is what black metal would sound like if you were listening to it under water. It sounds blurry and far away, just what you need with these guys actually, that they sound as far away as possible, so in the end I guess they are the best on this top for sounding like they are far away. Best scrapping from the bottom of the shit bucket. They also talk about sharks a lot, it’s like Jaws for trve kvlt shitlords who know how to swim.

There you have it folks, your music is bad, your bands are Bad and your country is bad. Make some fucking resolutions for this year and stop making everyone ashamed of living here.  If your band didn’t make the list, don’t worry, I am sure your band is shit and your music shittier.



Text by Hugh Dick


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