“Warning, the man who wrote this report was accused of not being kvlt and necro enough by a bunch of emo fags passing by. Although he beat them up with his spiked black metal mace, he was still very grumpy and feeling emasculated. Do not take him seriously”
I’m a little confused here, someone told me we were going to see live black metal on the latest Surprise Metal Shot. I’m going to find that someone and shove something nasty and gross down their throats for this blatant and unforgiving bamboozle.
I was lied to, all I can see is three regular looking guys playing randomly on their instruments. Where are the severed sheep’s heads mounted on the walls? Where is the virgin blood splattered all over the ceiling? Why are the guys from the band not covered in black shinning leather and spikes from head to toe? Where is the creepy and Satan pleasing corpse paint applied with machine like precision and slowly melting away with the grim necro sweat of trve kvlt blackness?
It certainly wasn’t there. When will people learn that black metal is only black metal if there is a shit show of blasphemy and Satan fandom going on at the same time as the music? If no one is throwing a giant severed pig’s head right at my face, I am not impressed.
Why where they selling CD’s instead of tapes or vinyl like real black metal bands do? Why was it so warm inside and not frostbitten at all?
Partyboy thought I was enjoying this because I had my arms crossed and was frowning the whole show. Although this is a highly grim and necro way to appreciate live music, I assure you that my enjoyment of the situation was limited to the beer in my hand and the joints that passed my way.
I bet these guys never even burned a church, or seen one on fire. Anyway, another surprise Metal Shot left me sober and wondering why I got out of the house.
Text by Hugh Dick