“Warning, the man who wrote this report tried to summon Satan but failed miserably, he was very upset about people who summoned Satan successfully and got a great musical career out of it, do not take him seriously.”
Fuck me, another night stuck watching Black Metal bands trying to be dark and scary and failing miserably. I can’t not picture them masturbating to RPG’s and Lord of the Rings in their mom’s basement’s, which makes this even more awkward and uncomfortable for me.
The first band was “Beastanger”, the space on their keyboard must have been broken when they wrote the name on Metal Archives so they just went with it.
The show was terrible and gay, the vocalist had a crazy fixation with the microphone stand and they all had their legs arched, they must have asked Satan to infuse them with his Black Metal power, but Satan’s rod of power is the cock and we all know that Satan’s cock is a suppository.
Next was “Bruma Obscura” because there aren’t enough black metal bands with names that relate to fog and mist and all that shit. To me, it sounded like one long song with endless blast beat and the vocalist constantly mumbling into the mic, awful, next.
Then came “Vizir”! What is the point of complaining here? It’s Vizir, saying shit about Vizir is like saying poop smells bad and tastes worse. They were drunker than I was and somehow made their songs even shittier than they originally are, that’s all I can say I guess, the songs are not supposed to be good anyway.
So that’s how I wasted my Saturday night, how did you guys waste your Saturday night? Getting laid? Good, very good, I should consider that next time instead.
Text by Hugh Dick