“Warning, the man who wrote this report received frequent prank calls from Swedish death metal bands who made several derivative insinuations about the size of his penis as well as his mom’s preferred instruments of masturbation, he is biased to be an asshole, do not take him seriously”
Vagos Metal Fest, the aborted baby of Vagos Open Air who is still kicking in the shit filled toilet bowl. Not happy with having two terrible festivals each year that somehow manage to be worse than SWR, the numb skulls who brought us Vagos are also making warm up parties WAY before the accursed festival.
Because of this, I am forced to sit here and tell you idiots about their first attempt at warming people up for their crap fest. And who else is better to symbolize dead babies trying to stay alive than the beaten and ugly corpse of what used to be a Swedish Death Metal band?
That’s right! “Entombed A.D.” refuse to die by adding A.D. to the classic name everyone knows, I don’t know what the other guys are doing with the original name but I couldn’t care less.
Before the old death metal guys came a local thrash band who doesn’t know how to spell toxic, or maybe they are trying to be kvlt and trve by writing it with a K, everyone knows Satan loves K’s more than c’s.
Anyway, they sucked for half an hour or so, at least I saw that much, two retards where moshing by themselves through the show, it was good for a laugh as were some of the lyrics that I could figure out. Finally they leave but then I remember that I had to watch “Entombed A.D.” fuck.
They decided to start off with some gay electronic music. I don’t know why they did this.
You know what? The show was so bad, I’m not even going to tell you about it, I’m just going to list a bunch of reasons to explain why “Entombed” (in general, not just A.D.) sucks balls.
First off, their music is too slow and groovy, that’s not metal, that’s gay. If your songs have groove then your band is terrible and you should feel bad about your life choices.
Second, their new guitar player is a Brazilian, everyone knows Brazilians are scumbags out to get your stuff, so it’s not all bad, maybe he’ll steal from the band and then they will be forced to give it up.
Third, Petrov’s hair is not metal enough, especially when wet, my testicles have more head banging action if they banged. But moving in metal shows is a display of fun and enjoyment which is the least metal thing to do at all times, smiling and hugs are for posers.
There are many more reasons why “Entombed A.D.” is terrible and even more reasons why Vagos is terrible. Which Vagos you ask? Yes.
My time is far too precious to be spent wording my hatred for these clowns, I will let these events speak for themselves for now. The girls on my porn collection need me.
Text by Hugh Dick