“Warning, the man who wrote this report got called a worthless loser by his mom before the show, even with his good sounding philosophical comebacks to this statement, deep down he knows this is true which makes him very upset. Do not take him seriously.”
Another night of my life wasted watching terrible bands no one ever heard of or will ever hear about as well as the idiots who get excited about this kind of shit. Why do I do this you ask? Because I am a nihilist asshole who has nothing better to do besides watching your dumb shit bands trying to be famous. Also, doing this gets me off…a lot.
I had serious doubts about the first show and apparently so did the band. “Soul Doubt” played some seriously gay thrash metal that people seemed to enjoy. I have a theory about this band, I believe the drummer is an escaped Native American who kidnapped three pre-teens and now forces them to play music for him and only pays them in beer.
I’m not sure if this is good or bad since I have no moral compass, I’d play some gay music for beer too but no one is giving me that job yet.
Next where these Germans called “Contradiction”, their thing was playing in the middle of the night in spite of being the main event, contradicting stuff, get it? I know, it’s not very funny but neither was their show or their music. People were into it but that’s because little kids love thrash metal and they have nothing better to do on a Friday night so they act out for attention.
Lastly was “Dementia 13” an old school death metal band who gets inspiration from old horror movies! Wow, such a novelty idea, I have to remember that one for later, I’m sure they are the first to come up with this, pioneer shit right here.
Thankfully, this was their last show but sadly the beer was running out. This was my fault, I had to drink a lot to put up with your terrible bands, so I drank until the beer was over and then drank until the rest was over. The music was still not sounding any better though, just bland and annoying as always.
In the middle of the show, some random fan came up to give the band a present and everyone stopped and cheered. They probably wouldn’t have if they knew the guy was going to take FOREVER to open the fucking present! I’m dead serious, everyone was standing around for about five minutes while the guy stood there on stage trying to open that shit. It was sad and it killed my already dying buzz.
Partyboy was enjoying himself. Of course he was, he’s a hack who couldn’t recognize good music from a kick in the nuts, he can’t even spell “Holocausto Canibal”, what a fruit! Oh yeah, did I mention that “Dementia 13” are a conglomerate of other shit bands such as the previously mentioned, also “Pitch Black” and “Grunt”. At least it wasn’t “Grunt”, anyone who likes that shit must be seriously brain damaged beyond hope of recovery, but then again, if you like that garbage you deserve it.
Fortunately I will never have to see “Dementia 13” again, I will probably end up suffering through the other bands sometime in the future since everyone was loving it for some reason. I still can’t believe they ran out of beer, if they run out of beer again I swear I will make shootings at live metal shows a thing.
Text by Hugh Dick