“Warning, the man who wrote this report is angry all the time because you probably get laid a lot more than he does. He also thinks black metal is appropriating his rich satanic heritage and that is just offensive. We think he’s full of shit, do not take him seriously.”
You know this is going to be shitty from the moment you look at the name of the festival. My grammar is as much garbage as the bands I saw last Saturday, but I’m still pretty sure it should be True Iberian Black Metal. On the other hand, Iberian people are dumb, so who cares? It just looks more local with fucked up grammar.
Anyway, the night started off great! Since I managed to get partyboy drunk on drugs early on, we managed to miss the first band. I’m sure they were garbage, their asses have been spared my wrath this time, their name isn’t that terrible, but still quite terrible (and not in a good way).
Sadly, instead of suffering through something new, I got two dozes of something I have suffered through before.
First, “Beastanger” again, super gay, terrible at everything, I’m not even bothering with more, you check it yourself.
Then “Balmog” which was more of a topshelf gay, but still pretty gay. You can also check it here if you feel like it. Once again, the throbbing masculinity of the band forced me to go outside and drink instead of watching the full show and feel strange feelings that I don’t understand.
Next up were the “Hate Legions” who took home the trophy for most amount of make-up wasted. Their war paint was quite impressive and intimidating I must say, which violently contrasted with the massive smell of incense they spread during the show.
Guys, if you wanna sell sadistic, hateful, war mongering maniacs, throw some damn barbecue smells in there, meat and fire, coal and bones. It feels really weird when you’re all satanic in my face but my nostrils tell me I’m at some old crazy cat ladies’ house who’s going to read my fortune in tea leaves.
Whatever, the music sounded like static, the smell was hideous and I could barely take it.
The last band, “Lóstregos” seemed to be really depressed and dark hippies, they had some weird colourful pattern things all over and looked like what the previous show smelled like.
Their sort of black metal put me to sleep, I woke up a little later with partyboy kicking me to go home. A great night to realize that Iberian Black Metal is terrible, you are better off hanging your nuts inside a cement mixer than wasting your time with this.
Text by Hugh Dick