As you probably know if you are an individual of taste, SWR BARROSELAS METALFEST, the greatest festival in this ass end of Europe, is happening next week, it’s going to be a 20th anniversary celebration so it’s safe to assume that everyone will be extra psyched to get fucked up and party as hard as humanly possible. Just look at that bill, even I get aroused looking at it.
Here at the Drunk On Drugs deluxe tower of trve metal, we have one free all access pass for the festival (you can even do cavity searches to the bands) to give out for those fans who follow these simples steps!
To win a free pass, you will need to:
1 – Tag ALL your friends on facebook, I mean every last one, I don’t care if it’s your granny who can’t read or your blind retarded uncle, tag everyone! Even if they already tagged you, tag them back, fucking tag orgy up in here.
2- Like and follow Drunk on Drugs on Facebook and Twitter, if you don’t have an account, make one even if for the sole purpose of getting a free pass and then never using said account again. If you like but don’t follow, we will know and you will feel our wrath. Also, you won’t be eligible to win the prize.
3- In addition to tagging everyone, you will have to send a private message to all the people you tagged and who tagged you saying “I will rape your entire family if I don’t get this free pass” even if they have already threatened to rape your family.
4- If you are female, send nudes.
5- If you are male, send nudes of your sister or mother. If they are dead, grab a shovel. If they were cremated, you don’t have to dig.
6- If you are a male, send nudes anyway, Partyboy is into that shit.
7- Find the biggest, pointiest pineapple around and insert it as deep as you can into your anal cavity, if the pineapple is still visible without the aid of x ray technology, you are not eligible to win the prize.
8- Gather the Dragon Balls.
9- If you come across any other free pass contestants while looking for the Dragon Balls, kill them, it’s them or you.
10- Bring us the Dragon Balls, don’t worry about what we will do with them and don’t wish for a free pass, the staff can tell the difference between brought tickets and wished tickets.
That’s all you need to do for a free once in a lifetime experience at the SWR Barroselas 20th anniversary ritual celebrations! The lucky 10 finalists will be announced next week, a deathmatch battle royale will decide who gets the free pass, it will be just like Brutal Soccer but with guns instead of balls and fire instead of grass, also way more alcohol probably. Stay tuned.
Text by Hugh Dick