As you know, when men get excited they ooze this smegma like substance from the tip of their dicks called Pre-cum. This report is the Pre-cum version of SWR Barroselas Metalfest, which started last Wednesday at Metalpoint.
We are going to include day 0 of the festival since we don’t have pictures for either one of these events, our photographer could only get there on Friday (and you can bet your sweet metal ass that we got some actual good pictures this time with an actual good camera, oh yeah)!
On arrival, “Capela Mortuária” were playing their “thrash metal fodido” to a considerable crowd, the specific details are blurry because there was a whole weekend of hardcore debauchery between then and now but I remember a pleased audience, a band with the right attitude and a cover of Sepultura’s Troops of Doom featuring João Kombi from “Test” on vocals. It was a nice start for a long list of crazy shit.
Next played “Excremento” a seriously crusty punk band that fucked us properly with some good old crust. The levels of excitement and partying from the crowd were only getting higher at this point and the night was far from over.
Closing the starting day of this epic odyssey came “Test” for the very first time (if you know what I mean). The brazillian duo proceeded to shred our faces with fast, unrelenting grindcore in its purest form, with bits and pieces of crust thrown in the mix, the crowd went wild, shit was amazing, beer kept coming and then it was over. Don’t worry if it looks like we’re not elaborating too much on this show, we saw “Test” three times in a week and that’s because we missed one of the shows.
It was a simple, enjoyable night at our home away from home at Metalpoint, where the beer is close by and cheap and there is always plenty of room to shake your booty.
On the next day, the journey to Christmas land began. A highly anticipated celebration was upons us and we felt the responsibility and honour of being invited by SWR to do a drunk on drugs report on the 20th anniversary of the best motherfucking metal festival on this ass end of Europe (Sorry not sorry Vagos, you know there was never any doubts in anyone’s mind on this topic, you had some lit years though, don’t feel bad).
We set up shop in the dank woods and chilled for a while, we had six hours to drink, smoke weed and run into everybody because everyone you know is probably there somewhere and more of them keep arriving all the time.
Slowly but steadily, the camp site grew around us as we got more and more intoxicated, as the bands drew closer and closer.
A battle was about to begin on the arena for a chance to play at Wacken this year and represent the mettle of Lusitanian extreme music in the heart of Europe and the world wide Metal Community.
You probably know who won already, honestly, we never thought it possible to be anyone else than who it was but we will get there.
Being the drunks that we are, we missed “Destroyers of All” because we weren’t sure if it was background music or an actual concert and we were too stoned to go find out.
Plus, every time we went towards the damn stage, we ran into a million old acquaintances we hadn’t seen in a year, our friends also ran into everyone they hadn’t seen in forever, then some of them invited us to go drink with or smoke with them and we kept getting side tracked by this shit.
Eventually we made it to the stage and “Toxikull” were spewing some good thrash tunes to a horny crowd. It was a nice show, they certainly had the skills to win the battle and the audience seemed to be into that idea too.
After them played the band we were sure was going to win and the band we wanted to win (we have to be honest here people, we know we aren’t your favourite source of whatever we do either).
“Analepsy”, we enjoyed them at Metalpoint’s ninth birthday party, Sublime Torture Fest and XXXicken Party and now witnessed them fighting brutally for victory at the SWR arena on it’s 20th birthday, and oh boy did they brought it.
A lot of slams and fat riffs, air swinging like there was a giant metal fan on the floor under all the metal fans, all the BDM fetishist ejaculating, it was amazing.
Afterwards we went to chill for a while, because it was windy as fuck, cold as balls and we felt like listening some tunes of our choosing, we headed to the car to smoke one.
The events that transpired then would be really upsetting to some people so we’ll be forced to leave that out, it made us miss “Deadlyforce” but we got there in time to see “Test” again in less than 24 hours.
How was “Test” for the second time in 24 hours? Fucking amazing, the crowd went wild, tremendous power coming from the stage, you could feel the rising orgasms of everyone around you as the band exploded in our faces and we came to the realization that it has finally begun!
Twenty years of SWR Barroselas Metalfest and this amazing show was only the tiny diamond encrusted tip of the nipples on a massive tit job of a festival!
The only thing left to wrap up here is our contest for a free ticket which failed miserably.
Barely anyone participated, the ones who did were doing it for kicks and they had tickets already, nobody understood the concept (you DID NOT have to buy us drinks, just offer a sip like you do with your buddies) and in the end we just dumped it on a friend who has been coming to SWR with us for many years and found herself without a ticket this time.
We swear no one sold it for drugs, here is the lucky winner! Notice how joyous and struck with disbelief she is!
In failing at this contest, we have come to realize something precious.
We can say whatever we want on these reports. Why? I’ll tell you why. There are four reasons why people read Drunk On Drugs Reports.
1- The organizers and promoters who invite us to their shows to make sure we didn’t fuck up or trash talk about their hard work and consider if we’ll be invited back next year.
2- The bands we are writting about but only if they are small underground bands (those actually have some appreciation for what we do) to make sure we didn’t insult their art and showmanship, they usually don’t check back on the next day, if you know what I mean.
3- Fans looking for awesome pictures of themselves for facebook.
4- People our staff has porked, those are usually our top readers (how do you think we got to 500 likes?)
In light of this realization, we feel the freedom to do whatever we want, it’s not like we are a legit news source anyway, we’re just here for comic relief.
The best is yet to come, and this time with pictures so stay tuned for the Drunk On Drugs SWR BARROSELAS METALFEST XX REPORT!
All SWR Artwork belongs to SWR and to the artist André Coelho
Text by J.P. Alves
Photo by Diogo A.