“Warning, the man who wrote this report sharted a little bit when Test played the first time, he was pretty drunk and embarrassed, it smelled bad, he tripped then when I tried to help him up, a little bit got on my hand, it was a mess. Also, a shart is when you fart and a little bit of poop comes out. Anyway, don’t take him seriously.”
You fairies thought there was going to be a Barroselas twenty-year celebration without me? Fools! You will never be rid of me, someone as to tell you people to your face how horrible your act is, someone has to be a dick.
Before we sailed to SWR to watch the festival get older and decrepit, Partyboy dragged me to Metalpoint to watch some Brazilians. Just where I wanted to be, the place where all the bad bands are born and die on the same show.
And to Illustrate my point came the first band, “Capela Mortuaria” how fucking appropriate. They died and sucked on stage for a while, then I got bored and went for drinks.
Next was a terribly shitty punk band with another really apt name, “Excremento”. The damn vocalist kept flashing her small tits so It was hard to pay attention. I suppose that annoying continuous noise I heard while looking at her tiddies was the music, pure garbage, or excrement if you prefer.
Then came “Test” (you have no idea how old this sentence is going to get) two Brazilian dudes who I once saw playing in the street corner, moving up in the world I guess. Very few bands can say that they started out working street corners like hookers, that’s real hard work.
But regardless of how many cocks were rode, the show sucked and I can’t believe I get to tell you three more times about it, fuck my life.
Anyway, on the following day we headed early to SWR because partyboy and his friends were afraid of ending up with a shitty spot for camp. They didn’t read the brochure, it says right there next to the big X to put up your tent on stage or just kung fu some trees down, they’ve had it for years.
Anyway, the shows on day zero were basically four bands bickering with each other just to go to Wacken, a festival where metalheads go so they can tell other metalheads they were there so they think you’re Trve, Drunk on Drugs isn’t Trve, we went to a grind punk fest and Partyboy has a weird fetish with electronic synth music, fucking faggot.
Oh, and “Test” played again for fucks sake. Why?
I went to see a little bit of Destroyers of all play their generic whatever-it-is-music, it was terrible. At least no one proposed during the concert so that was an improvement.
After that was Toxikull’s turn to play generic thrash, I yawned a bunch of times and then left to drink more.
Analepsy was pretty anal for the millionth time. Partyboy was excited as fuck and wouldn’t shut up about how “the country was going to be well represented at Wacken”, who cares about that shit? Analepsy is just going to show how we aren’t doing anything decent or fresh, just like everyone else. Anyway, they won, what did they win you ask? They won a butt.
Then came the Brazilians again, a line-up of five bands, four of them local and the main event is the Brazilian duo, my nationalist grandpa would be fuhrious but he’s dead.
Everyone was uber excited about the show because they were a bunch of hippies and junkies who had sympathy for the brazillian grindcore hippies who sucked just as much as the day before.
Oh, did I skip “Deadlyforce”? I really wish I had done so in real life. In a way, it was fortunate that these turds played, it made every other band feel less terrible in comparison, so congratulations to “Deadlyforce” for taking one for the team.
There is still a whole weekend of this shit to come, so many bands who might suck even worse for so long. There is no hope at the end of this tunnel, only more tunnels covered in shitty music.
But I’m going to give them all a piece of my huge dick, just you wait.
Text by Hugh Dick