“Warning, the man who wrote this report hates you and your bands for no reason, there is no getting around it, you just have to accept that no matter who you are, there is always someone who hates you and your music. This guy is that guy, do not take him seriously. His paint skills are also very low.”


The shitstorm begins. At least there is plenty of booze to wash down the terrible crap I must sit through.

The first two bands on the free stage were terrible, “Aneurose” had a guy in overalls, I thought he was some random redneck who was building something nearby, turns out he has a band. Starting badly already SWR.

The second band was also terrible, it took me 3 seconds to realize this and go do something else.

Next inside “Valborg” played some kind of weird experimental metal that gave me weird feelings. Feelings aren’t metal and neither are your funny looking guitars.

After the brazillians were done sucking outside, it was time for the locals to stink up the atmosphere inside.

First “Holocausto Canibal” brought their gory shit show to the main stage, they had a prop chainsaw, that’s right you turds, I saw the teeth weren’t moving, that was a smoke blower shaped like a chainsaw, you didn’t even cut shit, the fucking pigs must have been more comfortable than me.

Second was “Besta” with their whinny, politics are mean approach to music that sounds like a broken vaccum.

After the locals were done sucking, it was time to have two bands play at the same time, good for me, less work, more excuses to work even less.

On the third stage played “La hija del carronerwljowaeflaiwef, whatever, I can’t pronounce that shit properly. It was a bunch of drunks bumping into each other while the guy screeched and jumped all over the place, he jumped so much he fell one time, that was funny.

Inside at the same time played “Agalloch”. That was weird, weren’t those guys sucking really hard right here a few years back? Even weirder because the band broke up right?

Oh wait, that was “Pillorian” apparently. My bad, well, it’s the same shit and both are terrible.

I missed “Marginal” because I had much better shit to do. When I came back, “Aborted” was going on. The guitar player had the gayest haircut in the world and the vocalist had a thumb for a head. Everyone was horny because they aborted their show last year, still doesn’t make their death metal any less brutally gay.

dick shield

If the atmosphere wasn’t gay enough already, “The Ruins of Beverast” played next, I saw three seconds, it was really slow and boring.


Next was the Spanish “Inquisition”, at least I wanted it to be the Spanish inquisition torturing me instead of having to listen all that basic, generic black metal.

Next was the Swedish Thrash band “Antichrist” and I have to specify here because naturally, there is a crap load of bands called Antichrist, really original.

But the music was also “real original”, the usual normal thrash metal trying to be old since 2005. The crowd was enjoying it because they are fags who don’t know any better.

Speaking of old, then came “Master” who don’t have to try to be old, they couldn’t not be old if they tried. They joked about being old and played some old sounding metal for all the young people to dance and feel young to. I felt the aging process racing as I watched the band being old with their old music. It got old really fast.

Signal Rex proceeded to slap their shit stamp on the ass of the night with “The Ominous Circle” who I already told you why they suck in detail right here. Then some band called “Enlighten” which I don’t remember very well, I didn’t feel enlightened the next day so I suppose they are a failure. Just like this day at SWR, at least there is always copious amounts of liquor do go around, that’s the only reason that makes me show up. That and seeing your bands suck ass gets my nipples hard.


Text by Hugh Dick 15658083_1492221754140310_1120451853_o

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