“Warning, if you still need us to tell you not to take this guy’s reports seriously, you have a lot of catching up to do. We’re running out of excuses, just don’t get triggered and everything will be fine. Enjoy Dick’s report.”


 Two more days of drinking and doing nothing, can’t say I’m mad about that. Although I have a lot to say that I’m very upset about. Starting with the garbage that opened the free stage on the second day of SWR.

“Vircator”, first of all, what is that? What the fuck is Vircator and how do you fucking say it? Is it “vircátor” or “virkeitor? Who cares anyway, they suck ass bad. I remember seeing this trash on Sonic blast back before partyboy unleashed me on the internet. There was one old guy loving it front stage and everyone else falling asleep, I’m quite sure he was the dad for someone in the band.

Anyway, I didn’t need a lot of seconds to take a shit on the rest of the bands on the third stage.

I was back at camp telling people why their music preferences within metal are wrong for a while before returning to the stages. I passed right by the third stage, no need to see more European Mexicans getting drunks to bump each other. Partyboy stayed there for a while, I went to check this so called black metal inside.

What was that???!!! What the fuck was that? Why was that faggot dancing like that on stage? Who let them in? Who is responsible for this? “Cobalt”? What ugly beast’s gross asshole gave birth to this?

For fucks sake Barroselas, get your shit together! I know my standards are impossibly high and you know I’ll always shit on anything you work hard for, but that was horrid in every way. Partyboy and the Pidgeon though it was funny, I found it appalling and revolting.

Speaking of the SWR staff getting their shit together, I’ve had white bread and water that were more flavorful and well-seasoned than your massively bland attempt at death metal.

And what’s with the fetish of badgers biting their tails? Is that a Furrie thing?

If“Goldenpyre” was bland, next was “Dead Congregation” which was a very dull death metal. Bland I can understand, since I’ve already heard every band ever except for those I report about sometimes, everything sounds bland and the same to me. But those greeks were dull and they put the audience to sleep.

I missed “Darvaza”, more gay black metal I’m sure. Coming back to the main stage, I saw the most recent reincarnation of one of the biggest legends in metal history, “Venom Inc”! I will now review their big show in one word after this meme.

Sem Título


After the dinosaurs went extinct again, I went for drinks on the second stage and saw another Spanish band making drunks slam into each other, Partyboy was up front loving the show. I stayed behind telling some girl why her haircut was shit in hopes of getting my dick sucked. The only thing sucking was the band though.

After that on the main stage came more “black metal”. I don’t know where these people read their definitions of black metal but they keep throwing weird shit at us. “Oranssi Pazuzu” sounded like Pink Floyd with moaning, at no point in the show did I feel Satan touching me inside. Time wasted, I left for the tent to go on telling people that the band on their shirt is yesterday’s news while Partyboy got really fucking high inside. When he came back with the rest of the fellas, they were all tripping balls.

They stayed on the tent getting their shit together while I went to see “Grog”, these guys don’t play very often, so who knows when I’ll get to see them suck again?

Suck they did, how surprising. After that it was time for more has-beens on the main stage, at least this time there were people flying all over the place, less boring than “Venom Inc” but “Extreme Noise Terror” was still terrible.

The vocalist must have some nasty fetish with microphone stands and being bent over backwards since that’s all he did. The one who looked punk, not the other one.

Partyboy came back to see them even though it was raining, the rest stayed in the tent because they aren’t brain dead idiots like my friend.

The end was near and “Systemik Violence” played first on the free stage. What is it with punk bands and illiteracy? All their names are spelled wrong, so many unnecessary k’s and more k’s, is it more punk if you use k’s? We get it, metalheads like to use v’s instead of u’s because it’s old school.

Anyway, “Systemik Violence” was one of the best bands, they called everyone a bunch of faggots for not damaging their bodies in the pit for our entertainment. My kind of retards.

I spoke too soon though because “Alcoholocaust” played next and gave me whiskey. Yes, the music sounded like it was pulled out of a dead cat under a pile of human waste from a sewer, but they gave me free alcohol!

I have no idea where Partyboy was, he missed the last shows, more whiskey for me.

Someone came and told me that the Brazilians were playing inside, Surprise! Screw that shit, I have to see a whole bunch of terrible acts tomorrow and I saw those hobos twice in the last three days.

One more day of this, so close to the end. Someone shoot me in the face already.


Text by Hugh Dick


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