“Warning, the man who wrote this report believes SWR stopped being Kvlt after the first edition because you’re only underground if you fail, die and live in the obscurity of the internet forever being passed around like mountain dew by greasy depressed hipsters in their basements. Just like him, so don’t take him seriously.”


Finally! Last day in this shithole they call festival, two days and not a single good show, slow clap SWR. Partyboy overslept more than I did so he missed the bland generic thrash from “Warfect” on the second stage.

Why be original or have a good name when you can just smoosh two words together? Also, the logo looks like regurgitated pixels from Microsoft paint.

“Avulsed” were next on the main stage. I wonder what kind of music the vocalist likes, do you?


They kept it generic and unappealing but here is a moment from the show I believe we can all enjoy.


Partyboy stayed for the Swedish grind while I went back to camp for supplies and to flip people off on my way there.

I wondered how many years I overslept on my nap after lunch because when I came back to the main stage, there was a swamp there. A whole bunch of fucking trees and a swamp monster were making weird noises on stage.

Partyboy said the booklet tagged these guys as Death Metal. Death Metal doesn’t sound like you have a mouthful of peanut butter and can’t move your tongue properly.

I missed the other Spaniards playing outside. You faggots must feel really good about yourselves when I miss your bands don’t you? Dodging bullets eh? We’ll meet again because Partyboy wants a piece of that Galician Black “Marthyrium”, so I assure you we will meet again. Probably the other ones I missed too.

Next, “Corpus Christii” played on the second stage and their vocalist sent a giant fuck you to all the haters. You talking to me? Probably not, that message sounded like a grudge building up for years, I’ve been doing this for less than a year, I haven’t even had the chance to cover “Corpus Christii”.

Was it because I put your other project on the shit list of 2016? I get it then. Anyway, not impressed, nice corpse paint job though.

After that personal love note (still not sure if it’s addressed to me, I’d say no) Partyboy dragged me to the main stage under the pretext that the next band was all about tits and satan. I enjoy both those things.

There were tits nowhere and the only Satan was how much the vocalist repeated that word, how disappointing. However, it was fun to watch Partyboy toss faggots around the mosh pit and getting tossed around himself. It’s been a while since he jumped in the pit, good for him, little cuntbag.

I will always dispise “Akercocke” for how much partyboy wouldn’t shut up about them after the show, I get it, you want them to gang bang you, I don’t care, stop talking about it.

Next was a Swedish grind band called “The Arson Project” who didn’t set anything on fire, nuts to that. I went for more beer to put up with all the other shitty bands to come and came back as “The True Mayhem” were about to play.

They took forever to show up and before they did, we were met with a loud robot voice telling everyone to turn off their cellphones and electronic shit before the spectacle. I thought this was an underground extreme metal festival, not fucking Broadway, someone tell the Norwegians this isn’t Broadway.


Unlike what I was expecting, there was no sautéed brain pieces or pig head tossing, nor were there churches on fire, just a guy dancing around a skull, two candles and a bunch of monks. That got old really fast.

Then the ghetto came to close the second stage of the festival for good. Yes, finally! Although “Lich King” was basic thrash metal, they did call “Mayhem” a bunch of clowns and that was hilarious.

The vocalist was a nigger, he wasn’t black but he was a nigger. That’s right Americans, here in Europe we can say nigger all we want, nobody cares, especially in our hometown where people have the habit of calling faggot and son of a whore to everyone as a way of saying hello, it’s a real utopia. I remember seeing one scrawny guy from the audience going on stage and dropping his bullet belt, it was hilarious, he was so worried that someone was going to step on his fancy polished bullets, shit like this is why I love doing what I do.

“Lich King’s” gay teenage ghetto thrash made all the kids who like metal since last month get hard and swing around in the pit, our photographer was one of them. I don’t know why partyboy doesn’t fire his skinny ass and replace him with a hot bitch with big tiddies and a big camera, that would be nice.

But I’m not the boss so whatever. If the thrash metal was gay, what happened next was the equivalent of a homosexual parade on a field of flowers. A marching band, seriously? A fucking marching band?

I swear I’m trying to be nice here and enjoy the bands but the festival just isn’t giving me anything to work with here. They put a marching band closing the main stage, that’s so fucking gay.

Not satisfied with how gay it was to put a marching band playing the last show on an underground metal festival, all they played was classic heavy gay metal from the 80s that only people over 50 can enjoy. I think they played some other shit like Immortal, but they could have at least amped the testosterone a little with some grind or brutal death. I wonder how Gutalax would sound played by a marching band.

I was trying to leave for alcohol after the gay marching band but a massive clot of people was just sitting around at the entrance blocking the exit. I found Partyboy and the crew all excited and smiley.

They told me “Test” were playing right there again. Seriously? You give these hippies a little bread and they never fuck off. I had to battle my way out of there through the wave of retards tossing themselves to the lame street grind.

“The Fire March” was next, no one knew what it would be but it was a march with a little fire, they burned a few logs on the big ass sword, that’s it. Can’t say I didn’t like it, they burned shit up, why not?

I missed “Vai-te Foder” to try and get some random skank with fat tiddies to suck me off at one of the portable toilets. I heard later that Partyboy got smacked in the face during the show. Hilarious yes, but if anyone smacks that faggot around it’s me, that retard was lucky I wasn’t there to slap his hat off with my dick.

That’s it, that was all the bands, what I did with the rest of my night is none of your business and I have no obligation to tell you, I’ve done my job.

A big thank you to SWR for giving me an excuse to drink, smoke and do nothing for three whole days. Other than that, I see no reason why this lasted for 20 years, maybe they used to have Blackjack and hookers.

Next year I’m organizing my own Festival at Barroselas with Blackjack, hookers, actual metal, real musicians, more alcohol and it will be free so the punks can come and take a dump on the whole thing.

So, if you want to see blackjack dealers and hookers doing bar brawls with punks and underground bands you’ve never heard of, come to next year’s edition of that, I’ll think of a decent name before pitching my idea to partyboy.

Until then, stop listening to terrible music you insufferable normie fags, but not too much so that I can keep my job.


Text by Hugh Dick


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