“Warning, the man who wrote this report believes he’s on a crusade to clean the world of terrible music, which to him is all music, especially yours, whoever you are. Do not take him seriously.”
Cave 45, how I missed the over expensive shit brand mini beers I always guzzle down when I’m around.
Another night of shit bands, shiting all over my ears with their garbage so I can tell you about it here and you, hopefully, won’t make the same mistake I did by seeing them live. My precious time, I could have been neck deep in sluts and cocaine but instead I’m here.
The dread began immediately after I read the name of the first band. “Heavy Cross of…” does anyone want to guess? This was a stoner rock\metal band so which word do you think completes the puzzle?
Could it be, Heavy Cross of Doom? Generic but suiting. Or maybe Heavy Cross of Smoke, it’s certainly popular to use smoke in the names of stoner bands, really a lot of words could go there, bongs, demons, haze, fire, death, space, acid, stone, mushrooms, witches, wizards, warlocks, darkness, evil, grass, a lot of options here, which one of these do you think they went with? Take a moment to think. Are you ready for the revelation?
Flowers. Heavy, cross, of FUCKING, flowers. Are you serious? Of all the words in the fucking stoner metal dictionary, that’s the one you want? Really? Are you sure about that? Because that is fucking horrible, you went good with the Heavy Cross and then you nailed it in the ass…with flowers.
Anyway, the show was terrible, the music was bland as fuck, the drummer even stopped using the drums for a while to use one of those hippie bongos instead. The vocalist wanted people to start a mosh pit real bad, he didn’t realize people at stoner shows are too baked to stand up without wobbling, let alone start a mosh pit. Keep dreaming flower boy.
Apparently Partyboy was really excited about the next band because he saw them forever ago at some stoner fest and he included them in his top of 2016. I don’t know what the big deal was, two stoners kidnaped a cancer patient with a sad singing voice, strapped him a guitar and are now using him for their own dark purposes of getting rich off the rising popularity of stoner rock, despicable.
Them and the audience went on to jerk themselves of to the music, it was far too crowded for my tastes, I couldn’t even get the beer to my mouth without punching someone so I bailed.
That’s it, you expected more? Too bad, I do what I want, I’ll probably go watch some shit anytime soon with Partyboy so you’ll have more then.
If you want to be a good sport and tell all your friends about the shit bands they shouldn’t support or waste their money on, share this shit, I mean my shit, Partyboy is a cunt prick, I love him but he knows nothing about music. He listens to Lana Del Rey and Enrique Iglesias so don’t take his word for it.
Till next time fags.
Text by Hugh Dick