“Warning, the man who wrote this report once got his dick stuck in a bong so anything related to that word reminds him of bad memories and he gets upset. Do not take him too seriously.”


Ruining pairs of pants and underwear in a single night is not going to deter my daring co-worker Partyboy from dragging me into more shit shows that he enjoys so much for some reason.

This time however, we we’re going to some fancy ass theater where all the musicals and plays go down in the city. Fucking gay, just off the bat there were no hopes of this ever being a good idea. It was to be expected, the event was organized by the people with the gayest fucking name on earth who even dared to trick Partyboy yesterday into giving them free publicity (when he was doing that already for free, yeah, we paid for the ticket, not just time I’m wasting here).

These hipster cunt retards shall not be named, I am not giving you any free publicity but if any other readers out there want to know who likes to be supported and not support back, go find out who organized this event. No mutual back-scratching, you can fuck right off.

Anyway, when we got there, the room was full of fucking pillars all across the middle, It was just like seeing a concert in jail. I was there for five minutes and the band,“Bong” (very original you guys, at least it’s not flowers), played exactly the same thing for the whole time I was there.

Nothing changed, I’m sure everyone was just standing around listening to the static coming out of the amps because the smoke was going against the instruments or some shit like that. I waited as long as I cared and nothing happened, I cared no more and bailed while partyboy stayed there ambiguously enjoying it because he really wanted to be smoking a joint, which I went to do outside.

Terrible in every way. To the people who put out this garbage, next time, bring something with balls, hire some naked bitches, let the people smoke as much as they want and bring liquor from the outside as well as dogs, maybe a pool by the bar, step up your game, we don’t have money to organize this shit or else we’d put everyone to shame.


Text by Hugh Dick


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