TOP 10 WORST BARROSELAS SHITSHOWS IN THE LAST 5 YEARS

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One thing I can be sure in my life, that the gays will always be in my face about it and that SWR has a shitload of booze lying around. This has made me come back to the festival since me and Partyboy first ventured this way. Nothing else was going to bring me back every year, I’ll tell you why.

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Die Apokalyptischen Reiter– 2012

Our first year of Barroselas, Hirax had cancelled their show. Oh no! What is the festival to do? Enter “Die Apokalyptischen Reiter” Yeah, hard to read, isn’t it? Well, believe it or not, it was even harder to watch.

So these fags show up, plaster their big ugly circus like posters promoting their concert all over the place and then they went on stage. Holy Jesus mother of Satan’s cock, that was the most awkward performance I have EVER seen in my life!

Even partyboy felt embarrassed for the band while watching that garbage. They had an S&M guy sitting on a swing and playing keyboard, the vocalist was trying way too hard and the audience was just not into any of it.

Everything was bad, from the incessant begging for a middle-aged woman from the audience to come up on stage (with the husband watching, smooth) to the forced boat ride in some random song, no one wanted to ride the fucking boat like a jackass so guess who went on the boat? The stage crew! Yeah, their job is to make the band look good so off you go in the boat, to show how everyone is having a good time.

Fucking horrible in every aspect, scared me for life, but I get it, last minute bookings, can’t be too picky about that.

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Akphaezya – 2013

Another fucked up band name that no one will ever agree on how the fuck you pronounce it. It have no Idea what this was supposed to be but the vocalist was a soccer mom, I shit you not. She also moved around like a soccer mom who has no idea where she is or how she got there but just went with it anyway because look at all these fucking sexy single metalheads with hard boners, oh yeah, shake that ass.

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Serrabulho – 2014

Ok, so in this case I can’t really blame the band. Although “Serrabulho” came out of the grossest intestine ever and their music sounds accordingly, I have no idea what they were planning on that day.

Here is what happened, the band shows up dressed like pacman and ghosts, the show starts, punks swarm the stage, that’s it. Nothing else was visible from the beginning to the end of the show but a horde of drunk punks waving wildly on stage and crapping all over the sound equipment.

In spite of pleas from the band to not fuck their material too much, the punks just kept doing the same thing, song after song until the show was done. So, if you only saw “Serrabulho” then, you think “Serrabulho” is a swarm of punks, it’s not.

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Gorguts – 2014

“Gorguts” used to be tolerable, I’m not saying they were ever any good, but they were tolerable then. Now they are totally artsy and gay, their music last forever and goes nowhere. So did their show at SWR when everyone was psyched to see them play the old classics, partyboy was all about that Erosion of Sanity.

Then the old farts show up, play only songs from the new gay album and one song from the previous release which was already on that arty retarded vibe. It was terrible, everyone hated it and hoped the next day would be better, but…

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Bonded By Blood – 2014

Generic, bland thrash metal, of course. Barroselas cannot go a single year without some godawful basic thrash metal. Even the fucking name, why be original when you can just pick a classic album and call yourself that? The entire show was massively gay, the vocalist looked like he was still in high school and his voice sounded accordingly.

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Anaal Nathrakh – 2014

I don’t understand why Partyboy was so Psyched about these guys. The name makes no fucking sense and neither does the music. Apparently, they came around without one of their main members, so I guess they could have sucked a little less. Maybe they’ll come back and I can see if this mysterious man who got barred from leaving the USA can make the anaals less anal live. (Partyboy forced me to include here that in his opinion, Anaal Nathrakh ripped total ballsack and that it was amazing, he alse let me say that he’s a fucking moron).

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Shining – 2015

Kvarforth wants to be GG Allin, he’s not. He’s just a sad boy who wants to shock people with weird shit like vomiting on the audience, burning cigarettes in the audience, slapping the audience, getting slapped by the audience, failing to kick the audience and falling down, saying that everything is garbage.

I love him already, but his show was still gay trash, I know black metal is inherently a little gay, that is just another reason not to make it even more gay.

Also, very original name, congrats on being fans o Kubric, I think he’s a hack.

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Impaled Nazarene – 2015

Oh shit, look at that sticker, look how angry he is, can you feel how much he’s going to fuck your face? He’s going to fuck your face so hard everyone you know is going to feel like they got raped yeah? Oh no. Nothing like that over here, it was just a scrawny guy with eyeshadow who couldn’t keep his head above his shoulders, mumbling into the mic for a long time while everyone else stood still. Terribly disappointing.

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Sinistro – 2016

You guys! Barroselas is next week, we get to see Aborted which is totally cool brutal death, yeah! Wait what? They cancelled? Fuck! What now? Surely the festival will find a suiting replacement, something local yes but something within the same genre, right?

HA! You fools, I’m glad this happens so I can watch all you gay death metal loving fags suffer, have some bland doom post rock with an epileptic chick singing, enjoy.

Partyboy got horny because he’s into Sinistro, but you have to remember that partyboy is a fag and his opinion is nothing.

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Monolord – 2016

Finishing with more stoner doom but this one is a no brainer. Three swedes show up, go on stage, start playing. Five minutes later the bass gets fucked, the others played the same rhythm for most of the show while everyone else ran around trying to fix it. That was it, at least that’s what I saw but I was there for a long time. Still, it sounded generic and shitty so maybe the bass getting fucked was a bullet dodged.

At least I got drunk Barroselas, at least I get drunk every year.

 

Text by Hugh Dick

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