Festivals, festivals and more fucking festivals, each sucking more than the last. Take my word for it, these are the festivals that suck the fucking most. (Don’t make the poor decision to go to any of these events – You will regret it as much as I regret herpes, for the rest of my life). I waste my life at these fucking festivals so you pukebags don’t have to!
I am a connoisseur when it comes to shit like this, so from me to you – here are the absolute worst plans you can make for your summer.
“Milhoes” de Festa
A hipster faggot summer party set up by the largest, most autistic retarded organization around.
These cunts throw in some metal and grind every so often to lure metalheads to their festival, then they shove some hipster bullshit down your face – a weak attempt to brainwash good people. Once they had a random guy just playing tapes from Africa, what the fuck? Don’t be fucking swayed by the name, there is no fucking festa, everything about this event is topppp bullshit.
Also, props to these guys for saving as much money as possible on the festival’s poster, child labor at its best.
Really showing the downhill direction the whole shit fest is going.
Hey guys! Do you like the beach? Do you like death grind? How about some death grind on the beach? – NO BITCH, city hall doesn’t want your reeking music here.
Ever since the indigenous tribes of Coimbra kicked them off the beach, the venue for this festival is now the basement of a bowling alley. All you get is a bunch of drunks in swimsuits pretending that the festival is open air and on the beach. It’s fucking not.
No matter how many kiddie pools and hot tubs you have laying around, it’s not a beach, it’s a fucking basement of a bowling alley, ffs.
Vagos is a putrid joke of a festival, only metal n00bs and faking posers go to this shit – and the lineup is always littered with the worst kind of trash.
To make matters worse, there are two of them now! Couldn’t the baby jesus give us two Barroselas instead? Of course not, SWR aren’t a bunch of cunts with daddy issues (they know how to take care of their fans). They don’t pull some dumb shit and split their family into two different weekends, one with mommy and one with daddy, let’s see who loves you more. (They both fucking hate you – you were an accident).
As for me, fucking fuck, this is going to be the cringiest, gothiest, most electrofag festival around. However, if you’re into kinky Goth chicks, this is the place for you mi amigos. As long as you can deal with the terrible music, they will suck you off with every orifice they have, I’m sure of it. (I’ve been here – double stack the condoms my friends).
Every mainstream festival!
Sudoeste; Super Rock; NOS Alive; and any other hyper huge faggot festival that have way too many fucking people.
Always littered with dumbass millennials who keep saying to the media that their parents can’t see them drinking beer on tv – these kids are fucking rebels, yall watch your back, these fuck bois are hardcore as fuck. If you want to get gang raped and robbed by guninhas, these are the places you’ll want to be. If you prefer to get shrekt by bad fucking music instead, then feel free, any other option on this list will do.
There you have it people, everything you shouldn’t do this summer around the country. Pick any of these options for a terrible experience that will scar the fuck out of you for life and give you oodles of regret. Emotional baggage gets heavy over time, trust – I write all this shit from my own experience.
Text by Hugh Dick