Last year (2016), a great tragedy befell the Portuguese metal scene. XXXAPADA NA TROMBA, a massive festival which grew outrageously well in only a year, now had the prospects of it being open-air on the beach… Everybody was fucking hyped! Unfuckingfortunatly for us, the retarded morons who live down by the beach near the venue decided it would be bad for the children as well as the tourists…fml.
Let’s forget about all that nonsense for a moment and just imagine: What would it be like if this incredible event, full of promise and hope, had had the opportunity to live up to its full ass grinding potential…
XXXAPADA NA TROMBA – THE PORTUGUESE OBSCENE EXTREME!!!
The year is 2016, XXXAPADA NA TROMBA sells out, all tickets, all hotel
rooms, all condoms, all sold out. The venue is packed, max capacity – (no one
has to cancel their flights, no one’s vacation gets ruined by cunts).
The city of Figueira da Foz quickly realizes that this festival is going to put their shithole beach town on the international map of awesome fucking festivals. Aware of this golden opportunity, they acted swiftly to set up a contract with the festival organization, prolonging its stay in the town for several more years. The venue stays on the beautiful beach, the city invests big bucks $$$ in the festival, local businesses and hotels flourish. Shit is going so well they can fly in additional bands and extend the festival for a few more days.
Everything is going fucking amazingly well, they proceed to
construct a HUGE solid gold statue of Sérgio Páscoa with diamonds for eyes and massive
sapphires for testicles. The statue’s belly is a beer keg on tap – fully
stocked at all times under penalty of law, golden ale flows through its golden
cock, rejuvenating everyone that desires a taste. (British royal guards are flown
to guard this bitch – we all know this shit will get jacked by gypsies).
The festival comes to a close, it was lit af. All the cunts that
went return home and tell their friends how fucking brutal it was – their friends
lives have now lost all meaning as a result of not going, (suicide rates
The Portuguese metal scene starts receiving global recognition and
everyone wants a piece… like a Hungarian prostitute who’s new on the corner
and lets you do things that the wife at home never would.
The shady ass corrupted government run by the Jews notices that
capitalizing on this economic boom is the way to a brighter tomorrow… no more
debt… no more troikas…no more Syrian refugees… no more crisis. Everything is
going swell like Little House on the Prairie…They pump 50% of 2017’s budget
into Portugal’s extreme metal community. (Go big or go home).
Everything metal in Portugal flourishes, rust is abolished, happiness
and quality of life rates go up, population growth booms exponentially like
rabbits… unemployment rates are down, beer production and sales are through the
fucking roof. 70,000 Tons of Metal now starts and stays in Madeira – Portuguese
bands get a whole stage for themselves, approved by the Ministry of
Decapitations and Church burnings.
Páscoa is appointed as the new President of Portugal,
leading the country into a new golden metal age. Donald Trump wants to
capitalize on this opportunity and comes to talk negotiations…he leaves
convinced it’s time to grow a goatee. Happy Farm plays a special show in the
Whitehouse as a symbol of unity between the two countries.
The following year, Analepsy becomes the first brutal death metal
band to play at Eurovision, they obviously fucking win, getting 66,666% of the
total votes with their song “Colossal Human Consumption”!
In 2018 Eurovision is held at the beach in an open-air event, organized
and partnered with the third edition of XXXAPADA NA TROMBA, which is now one
week long. Portugal continues to win the event every year, all other countries
just come to enjoy the show. The new improved festival features sick as fuck
acts such as Repulsion, Brodequin, Immolation, Akercocke, Dying Fetus, Necrophagist, Vader, Skinless, Origin, Katalepsy, Machetazo, Spawn of Possession, Gravebomb, Wormrot, Abominable Putridity, Pulmonary Fibrosis and much more.
UNFORTUNATLY, since XXXAPADA NA TROMBA Open air got cancelled, RIP
:*( … we’ll never know if this could have come to pass, all we have is this
poster to remember what could have been if this country wasn’t full of
Text by J.P. Alves