Woodrock Festival 2017 – Angry Shithead Bastard Report

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“Warning, the man who wrote this report, once tried to start his own hippie extermination company, just like Eric Cartman. His level of hippie hatred is deep, in hindsight, we should’ve probably left the bastard at home. With that in mind, don’t take him seriously.”

This photo is taken by AllWinner's v3-sdv

Holy…fucking…shit! Of all the terrible places on earth for me to be dragged to, Partyboy took me to a fucking beach for an entire weekend! I wanted to die every second… but since I lived, I’m gonna tell you guys all about it! What a fucking life… can’t wait for the big finish.

The stage on day one was in the middle of the fucking woods for some reason, they set up these plastic jugs filled with green glowing piss to guide you through the darkness. They really didn’t illuminate much of anything… you could see the jugs and nothing else, just follow the green piss kids.

Fortunately for me, we missed the first band, “Desert Mammooth” due to schedule fuck ups, thanks Woodrock, thanks for sparing my eyes and ears for a few more minutes.

Since there is a ridiculous amount of doom stoner bands with Mammoth in their name, these guys must have thought it would be original if they spelled it wrong… amazing work, I’m impressed, slow clap.

The second band on stage was “The Legendary Flower Punk”. I’m going to guess they took random words out of a hat and came up with this name.

This photo is taken by AllWinner's v3-sdv

It was boring lame ass instrumental music. Boring and lame, get used to those words, they are going to be in this report A LOT!

The closing band for day one was “Tau”. Sadly, it was not a bunch of blue guys in yellow armor talking to us about the “Greater Good”… it was two German hippies.

One had a weird hat with a roasted chicken on top…? I don’t know, it was a weird fucking hat. The other one had some kind of Native American outfit on.

Really appropriate since these GERMANS seemed to play all Native American inspired music. What does that have to do with Germany or hippies…? How many different kinds of drugs were they on? How long have they been on said drugs…? What was in that incense the guitar guy spread around in our faces…?

Day one was a total fucking wash!

Dear diary, day two of Woodrock shitfest… bands were late instead of early, me, myself, and partyboy caught the first band, “Dúvida 413”.

This band certainly raised a lot of questions, one of them was: did the vocalist escape from a barbershop right before going on stage? Why did he have a barber cape on…? Even more boring and lame than the last night. I’m not even going to get into their gay ass music… I’ll just judge them on their aesthetics.

This photo is taken by AllWinner's v3-sdv

Next up was three spanish dudes who made a lot of whacky mumbo jumbo noise. They called themselves “Oddhums”. There was nothing Odd about them at all, just basic boring regular everyday doom.

“Lâmina” performed after the oddballs and I must say, I really fucking enjoyed it! Not the music of course, that was complete utter garbage. They did this played out shit when the band was just randomly making noise with their instruments… (Best fucking part of their performance). As they did, the drummer leaned forward on her instrument and she bounced, along with other things that bounced. It was a bouncy show, that’s all I can remember, I was nearly shitfaced at this point. Really turning wood to rock here guys, congrats. Not on the music though, that was shameful and embarrassing.

The last band of the day (that we saw) was “Black Willows”. These three looked up sad poetic tree on google and added black to the name, genius.

Since they were so original with their name, they laid back and slacked on everything else… The music was a shitty copy of Om for emo kids. Not that Om is any good, dirty stinking hippies.

As Partyboy told you already (unless you’re a sadistic nihilist who only reads my reports), the next band got sacked and the last band failed to wake us up. So, on to the last day of this shit!

This photo is taken by AllWinner's v3-sdv

Number one retired Powerpuff Girls villain made another appearance in our lives. “Mr Mojo” started the suckage early off in the day.

After they finished sucking, a duo called “Her Name was Fire” was next up on stage… Ok guys, let me tell you something important, when you are naming your band, you are supposed to name YOUR band, not her, whoever she is, fuck her!  Why did they call her fire? Was she severely burned? Was she a ginger? I don’t even fucking care – Worst fucking name ever, the show was so cringy it hurt my face and I was so high I couldn’t even feel it! I felt like the next reasonable step was to buy a fedora. The name alone made me reluctant to watch that shit, more god damn fucking hippies.

The old farts were up next on stage “Mão Morta”. Although they have “dead” in the name, they have refused to die since the 80’s, so now I gotta sit through their show and this block of hay is not fucking comfortable. Did I mention the festival had blocks of hay for benches? Classy shit my friends… Worthy of the finest quality of inbred rednecks.

The vocalist did his weird dance and some retards in the audience tried to copy him, as you can see in Partyboy’s fuckawful footage.

Partyboy won’t admit it, but he hates that these guys fuck up the solo to “Barcelona”… Every time it gets worse, did they forget their own damn song?

After them…oh fuck me! MORE STINKING HIPPIES!?!?!? Jesus, how many more fucking hippies can there be? Where is Eric Cartman when you need him? Woodrock festival needs Cartman, they need to get rid of all the damn hippies.

This photo is taken by AllWinner's v3-sdv

Anyway, “Vodun’s” performance consisted of three dirty stinking hippies dancing around on stage for a while, it was terrible, the end.

Finally, this shit will be over real soon… The last band where two Spanish chicas called “BALA”. Their clothing was not nearly as revealing as previous female band members so they immediately lost my interest. I went drinking while partyboy stayed back to do his job and the photographers job (did I mention the photographer bailed one day before the festival? Fucking cunt mother fucker, these hoes aint loyal).

After waiting back at camp for Partyboy to return, controlling myself so as not to kill the fucking hippies around me, the festival was finally over! The euphoria, the bliss, finally I could move on with my life, preferably to a place free of worthless fucking hippies!

 

Text by Hugh Dick

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