“Warning, the man who wrote this report is a big city faggot who thinks far too highly of himself and his non-existent music tastes. He hates you and your band because he has a hard time getting laid. Do not take him seriously.”
After the horrendous hippie shitshow from last week, Partyboy dragged our asses to the middle of nowhere for some fucking small town festival.
One of his redneck friends kept telling him to drive forward, even after we passed some confused peasants, horses, chickens and finally ended up at a dead end looking at wild pigs. The smell was an ominous sign of what I was getting myself into.
We arrived at the festival grounds, which was smaller than my backyard…just in time to see the whole crowd glued to the back, avoiding the sun like ugly trolls while Misantropia took it in the face.
The bassist was the only one feeling it, everyone else in the band looked like they were about to die of boredom, as was I.
My thoughts on this garbage can be found here as well.
After them, some Spanish guys played some dull death metal. They were called Rattle of Bones… they didn’t rattle anything for me but their boring music really rustled my jimmies.
More crusty punks followed with Come Cacos, I could smell them from the parking lot… and I thought the pig’s shit from earlier in the day was bad…
The vocalist went around doing his usual shenanigans… throwing kicks at people, telling us how much he hated us and that he wanted us to die. At least we can agree on something… too bad your music almost put me to sleep.
Nap time continued with Unfleshed as death metal kept on coming, continuously more boring and bland… or maybe it was all the shitty bands piling up on my brain and making my eyebrows heavier by the minute.
I watched Patrulha do Purgatório sitting down and leaning against something, I don’t remember what… All these pissful performances were putting me to sleep. These guys were even slower and more boring than all the other bands.
Sacred Sin followed… Just when I thought death metal couldn’t get shittier and slumber inducing…
Tarantula was so boring I slept through the whole thing, it didn’t even wake me up.
I regained consciousness as Malignant Tumour started playing. A total shitshow of drunken idiots flying around to the band’s unclear and dumb mix of rock and grind or whatever the fuck it is.
It was still tedious as shit, I slept for 9 full hours before coming to this festival, I was pumped full of energy but all the fucking bands and their music put me to sleep.
Why do they even sell drugs to help people sleep…? Just package this crap and sell it to pharmacies, works wonders! Or better yet, buy them a ticket for the next edition of Viseu Rockfest.
Text by Hugh Dick