“Warning, the man who wrote this report is addicted to vaginas, although he’s too spineless to look a woman in the eye or talk with them without sounding like a robot, he likes to pretend he’s a big time player on the internets. We also couldn’t explain the difference between a homosexual and a Goth to him, but boy did we try. Do not take him seriously.”
Finally, the electro Goth castle party had arrived… and I couldn’t be more psyched! You might be a little confused to hear that I was looking forward to get the chance to go to this shit. Don’t get me wrong, every single band I saw sucked colossal ass, but the sights, man, the sights were amazing my friends.
I was instantly out of breath just from walking up to this giant piece of shit they call a castle. I built way better castles at the beach without even using a shovel. Fuck that fucking castle, the real sights were the Goth chicks! Oh yeah!
Let’s just say, this festival was very hard for me…for more than one reason, let’s start with the usual.
Why build a stage when you can just use the ruins of an old church? Black metal as fuck, am I right? Now, let’s put some suavé fag playing folk all by himself up there. Since the amount of homosexuals watching that filth was so considerably massive, I began to suspect the guy was going to start stripping off his clothes, so I left to check out some sexy Goth babes smoking cigarettes by themselves in the dark corners of the castle.
His name was Simone…the GUY’S name was Simone. Was he always a guy? Were his parents SJW’s who didn’t want to impose gender roles on their child? Fuck it, I don’t care.
Oh dear…more bands. A couple of people calling themselves “Dear Deer” played some weird gay shit for a while. I have to say, nice name pun… but still totally gay, and I say gay as an insult, not as in wanting to fuck people of the same sex.
The woman looked like she had a fart floating in front of her face that wouldn’t go away, it was just there, lingering… the guy looked like something massively flamboyant had menstruated on his shiny head, what a fucking pair.
The best part of doing nothing there was sitting on the bench next to the big stairwell and watching all the goths with their massive boots slip on the stone steps. Sadly, none of them fell down, but with every unbalance, there was a bit of hope… and giggles.
Next up to fucking perform was another band who can suck my dick with their two dots, my keyboard doesn’t have that shit! Fuck off.
Three guys called “Barlin” opened the second stage, which this time, was actually a stage. I zoned out their music and performance completely to focus on the thick sexy Goth chicks that their shitty music attracted (like buffalo to a watering hole). I’m sure the music was terrible without my help describing how terrible it was.
The next band was for toddlers I assume, calling themselves, “In the Nursery”… it was BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING as fuck! Oh my god it so fucking boring, I am so serious. At least the Goth chicks kept showing up with their elaborate cleavage and fucking wack skirts.
The vocalist was a total milf though, the other guys looked like fluffers working on a Porno flick. I stayed till the end, waiting for the part when they gangbang the milf on the giant bongos, that never happenned.
Between that and the next band, I had to pee like a mother fucker. Sadly, the organization decided that four toilets were enough for over 700 people drinking copious amounts alcohol. I’ll definitely drink even more to that!
In protest, and as a sign of my individuality, I took a piss on the castle itself. You brought this upon yourselves… you’ll actually be lucky if no one else did that, there is NO WAY no one else did that.
The big stage near the entrance opened with “Vox Low” and the sound was so low, I could hear the scotch sliding down my throat and splashing into my stomach’s acids. Probably for the best, I’m sure that if I could hear it, I’d be wishing I hadn’t.
I could hardly see the bastards with all the flashing lights they threw in our faces. Fuck that, where’s that bottle of whiskey?
Before the night was over, I witnessed Partyboy and the rest of the DOD staff collectively lose their shit over a guy in a hoodie who was sticking his head out of some fucking drapes.
“Perturbator” failed at perturbing anything but my patience with his electrofag music. Why does he wear a hat under his hoodie? Maybe he has a bald spot… or a vestigial twin on the back of his head, that’d be fun to see, way better than what I saw, for sure.
Fortunately for me, the Goths were still hot and horny all around, so the ambience was tolerable. I might consider coming back to this festival next year, just for that. If I do, I’ll make sure to bring some noise cancelling headphones.
Seriously, all the genres of music I heard there sounded fake and gay, what a waste of castle related activities. With all these goths here, I see the potential for a big ass brothel… red lights, cheap liquor, sick music and none of those other faggots who came to the festival. Did I mention that every male in there besides me was gay? Yes, even the rest of the DOD staff. Probably why the goths were so horny in the first place, all the wang was doing each other.
Thank your gods, Goth girls and milfs! I am here now, Hugh Dick is here and the rest of the details will be left out of the report because Partyboy said, and I quote: “We’re not publishing that, cut that shit out of the report, this isn’t a fictional porno mag, keep it in your gross blog and out of Drunk on Drugs!”
Fine, be like that you fascist pig, censor my beautiful lovemaking poetry, call it fictional, one day the people will know how much of the Leiria’s Castle has been sprayed with my semen.
Text by Hugh Dick