“Warning, the man who wrote this report hates the Sun, the Sea, the Beach, surfing, pools, skating and music. By association he also hates people who enjoy these things, probably you. Do not take him seriously.”
Let me tell you kids about the most boring ass weekend ever. Remember woodrock? This was a lot like that… but now the hippies had tattoos and instead of being deserted, the festival was full of fucktards like you.
I didn’t even bother at all with the warm ups, fucking degenerate half-assed bands wasting my time… I have better shit to do, like drinking and not bothering with the fucking warm ups.
After waking up from a night of heavy drinking, I went to see degenerate half-assed bands waste my time at the pool. At least there I had room to spread my legs. Manspreading for life.
First band to butcher my ears was “Bar de Monjas”, two Mexicans who put the already dazed and dull crowd to sleep. Congrats… and I thought Viseu Rockfest was boring, god damn.
Next up was “Holy Mushroom” who I thought sucked just as bad as the Mexicans, then they decided to use vocals. Why…? It was perfectly horrible already, just don’t strain your throat, ear doctors everywhere will thank you.
I blacked out drunk somewhere and woke up to “Black Bombaim” taking the suck levels to higher ground.
Fuck me, that concert was like an orchestra of cats being tortured, the best part was the saxophonist. He looked really bored, as if he wanted to be ANYWHERE else, the cat torturing symphony didn’t do it for him, too dull I guess, couldn’t agree more.
After sitting around at the entrance pounding beers and checking asses for two hours, my ears felt better so I headed in to see what else was going on.
“Yuri Gagarin” was up on stage. They didn’t look like they’ve been to space, nor were they Russians, I do not condone false advertising, so I continued with my previous endeavors.
Remember the cat torture orgy from “Black Bombaim”? We’re continuing with the cat themed instrumentals, but now they are dying of boredom.
A bunch of Japanese guys called “Kikagaku Mayo” used their instruments to produce meowing noises for the entirety of the show. I don’t know if my ears were completely fucked, but I swear… their whole performance sounded like cats purring and meowing monotonously.
Speaking of monotony, next was…again! “Monolord”, sucking in front of me for the second time in less than two years, sigh.
Well, last time everyone was just standing around while the sound guy and the bassist tried to fix the fucked up bass, which took about 30 minutes of the show.
This time there were no issues, apart from the shitty music itself. It was plain doom, I felt like someone had snuck vibrators inside my clothes, sadly, the feelings were not skin deep.
Next was the main event, “Elder”! Their music sounded old and dank, apt name I suppose. None of them were old though, they all looked like a group of young hipster dudes, so the choice in name is a mystery to me. Member Master at Barroselas? Those guys were legit old farts.
I died from “The Cosmic Dead”… in the tent, my ears still ringing with sonic garbage accumulated from a whole day of YOUR shitty bands.
The second day was hot as balls, I stepped into the pool half-baked, half-hungover, “Ana Paris” was playing… I immediately left the pool. Not even gonna bother explaining that one to you. Once was enough.
I came back to witness the millionth occurrence of “hey guys, we’re not good with picking names so let’s just pick a song from Electric Wizard and go with that”, this happens so much it’s not even funny anymore.
Isn’t that right Funeralopolis from Switzerland and Dopethrone from Canada? The band playing was “Vinnum Sabbathi”, they even picked songs that are right after each other, this lack of creativity is so priceless!
I stayed to see “Lobo”, unlike partyboy. Also, unlike partyboy, I’m not going to bother copy pasting the two motherfucking dots they have on their name from google, my keyboard doesn’t have that shit and you hipster fags know it!
I’d rather write this unnecessary explanation than spell your name correctly.
Oh right, the show… I dunno, I fell asleep two seconds in and woke up when the next guys were starting up.
Jesus, they don’t stop with the dumb names do they? Some French guys called “Blaak Heat” were up on stage and were playing some really confusing and annoying music. I wanted them to die every second, really wishing “Lobo” would come back to put me to sleep.
Following that shit… all the plebs got excited with a group of Belgian fags who called themselves “Toxic Shock”, once again, originality for the win. It’s not like there were already three bands with the same name from the 80’s.
They played some dumb bonehead thrash. The crowd stampeded all the idiots who fell asleep on their towels down in front, which was something I enjoyed seeing!
Near the end I became minimally enthusiastic, I really thought the guy was going to commit suicide. That would have been great to watch! Unlike any of these fucking shows.
After that splashing disappointment, I stayed away for a while and came back in time to see “The Machine”.
Wait, aren’t these guys Elder again? They kinda looked like Elder in disguise, the music sounded just as bad… so I’m guessing they are.
Next up, “Acid King” came to put the whole festival into a deep somber sleep. The band was so static and motionless, the music was so dull and droning!
I don’t know why Shrek was there spooning the bass player, maybe I shouldn’t have dropped acid before this show. Why was Shrek even purple…? Why did he have duck fins for hands…? Fuck if I know.
“Colour Haze” played after, there were even more Shreks now, in various colours, one of them was half donkey. Was it the band or the acid? Is Sonicblast bamboozling me? Whats with all these fucking Shreks?
Anyway, the Shrek rainbow didn’t do the band any favors, terrible music is terrible music.
“Orange Goblin” didn’t have a single orange Shrek floating around, this was very odd to me and my grip on reality continued to slip even more.
I went to lie down in fetal position for a while. Partyboy told me the concert was great and I would have loved it. Fat chance! I’ve heard “Orange Goblin”, Black Sabbath for poor people who don’t shower.
When I came back, all the Shreks were gone, what a fucking miracle! I hate to imagine what “Dead Witches” would look like with Shreks all over the place.
“Dead Witches” was alright, the view was fine, just fine indeed. They had me squatting with excitement if you know what I mean. The music was bad and generic, but oh boy, was it fun to watch. How many of them were there? Don’t know, don’t care, I know what I like.
As master Roshi once said to Oolong, “you gotta enjoy the classics, that’s what separates the perverts from the connoisseurs”.
If you enjoyed Sonicblast in any way, you’re a pervert. The bathrooms were filled to the brim with shit and piss… pissing on the street would have been better for you and everyone else.
In contrast, the toilets in the pool were so fucking dark and slippery, you would die trying to squat in those, or end up in the wrong gendered bathroom. (For future reference, the festival only had toilets for two genders, the other 100000 can go shit in the sea).
Sonicblast also sold the fuck out, max capacity… Clearly this shitfest is getting too big for its breeches. Our suggestion is, bring a few disgusting gorenoise and pornogrind bands to the festival to keep all the normies out.
If you do that, I’ll be back next year to tell you how much those gorenoise and pornogrind bands sucked balls.
If you don’t, I’ll be back next year to tell you how much your stoner, doom psych whatever bands sucked balls. Lick my balls everyone, see you next year if I’m not dead yet.
Text by Hugh Dick