Blood Red Throne – Cave 45 – DICK REPORT


“Warning, the man who wrote this report is very insecure about the size of his penis due to his passion for watching documentaries about Gorillas. He then goes off to criticize everything to fill the void, do not take him seriously.”


SWR chose Cave 45 as the venue for one of their latest parties in Porto… Partyboy doesn’t need much more than that to go kiss their sweet asses in hopes of a press pass. SWR likes what Partyboy can do and returned the favor… Now here I am telling you once more about shitty bands.

I need to start branching out, this shit is getting old… well, on to the ear vomit fest that transpired.

The first band, “Corpsia”, was so bad…  everyone knows that when you’re naming your band and spell it wrong or add some random shit to it, it will pass in the metal community. They threw some camouflage over the drums and stood very still in hopes that no one would notice them… It was flawless, the audience looked like they were staring at nothing.

Next up was “Pestifer”… these fucking guys again. Like their previous shows i’ve been to, they fucking sucked! Is there anything I can say about these fuck ups that I haven’t said before…? Their logo is pretty fucking terrible, it looks like there was supposed to be some crazy ass artwork within the letters but it’s just a butt with no substance. It would look much better on toy packaging rather than on the cover of a Death Metal record, but since it’s shit and they’re shit, I don’t care. When they were done I flipped them off because yes.


Lastly, the kings of sucking came down from their throne. You would expect a Norwegian band to play Black Metal…However, the words Blood and Red made me think otherwise. When rampant headbanging started, my assumption was right, it was basic death metal.

Their guitar player must have been a Dimebag Darrell cosplayer. Same beard, same guitar, same everything, he looked exactly like the dead bastard but alive and without the twelve bullet holes.

He moved like him, played like him and even sported a pantera shirt with the sides cut out like Ol’ Dime. It was a terrible sight.

All that Diamond Darrell impersonation didn’t even fucking help, the music was ass, the vocalist didn’t even bother through most of the show as he kept sitting back on the couch… OH! I get it, blood red throne! The couch was the throne and he was the blood stain on it… Genius, what an amazing name for their shitty band.

I let the drummer have it, making sure he knew how much they sucked after the show and he nearly burned my eye with his cigarette! Fortunately, my garlic scented aftershave kept him at bay.

But suck they did! No getting around that. I’m too lazy to wrap this report properly, just thinking about that weed I’m gonna smoke after, I’m done.


Text by Hugh Dick


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