Melt Banana – Dick Report


“Warning, the man who wrote this report hates Heavy Metal bars and clubs. The word he has for other bars and clubs is not allowed on the internet. Probably should have left him at home but he’s mean to the dog. Do not take him seriously.”


After all the terrible shit I’ve had to suffer through, it never occurred to me that I’d end up somewhere even worse than those other shitholes.

But here I am… Maus Hábitos, Porto’s breeding ground for all kinds of tumblr genders and shitty art…the music here is so bad I can’t even conceive of accurate insults for them.


So here we all were, packed like canned sardines, watching two Japanese banana people play some mother fucking weird random ass noise.

“Melt Banana”, whom Partyboy mentioned in past reports, made a big ruckus for an hour or so while hipsters moshed at each other.

The guitar player was so disgusted by the hipster crowd that he had a mask on to prevent himself from catching any of the fucked up hipster diseases.

Their vocalist kept playing on her cellphone and made crazy ass sounds. After a while I felt like I was watching a video of Japanese people reacting to Korean people playing video games on their phones. If it was that, way better than whatever it was supposed to be.

Fuck these guys, fuck this audience and FUCK this place.

Oh, and here is Partyboy’s way too long videos for the event. Ha! Check out the chic in the first row who is just texting in front of the mosh pit and the band, classic.


Text by Hugh Dick


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