Radio Moscow – Hard Club – Dick Report

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“Warning, the man who wrote this report believes that white people playing the blues is cultural appropriation. When it happens, he fears black helicopters will swoop in, packed with gangsters and pimps who will have their way with his anal cavity. He actually described this to me in explicit detail this one time over scotch. Do not take him seriously.”

 

I was going to have a nice quiet Saturday evening browsing dank memes on the deep web and smoking weed… But fucking Partyboy had to go and ask the guys from Sonicblast to ruin my night.

Now here I am, standing around at Hard Club amongst a ton of fucking kids and overly excited old men who shouldn’t be out of the house at this hour. Why am I so much taller than everyone else…? This usually doesn’t happen.

First band was a Finnish trio, “Kaleidobolt”. Are these fucking whitebois playing the blues? What the fuck? We’re toast!

I tried to make it for the exit but Partyboy bribed security to keep me inside. (Security was taller than I was).

Forced to sit there while the Finns sucked with every shade of brown inside the glass tube, I smoked my last joint ever.

Fortunately for my ass, no angry African American communities or tumblr SJW’s swooped in to check their privileges. Guess Finland doesn’t count as not black, cool I guess.

The main event was “Radio Moscow” which was neither on the radio, nor from Moscow, just three guys from San Diego, although Wikipedia says they hail from Iowa.

Oh my god you guys! Radio Moscow is actually Slipknot unmasked with six less retards clogging the stage!

Well, they fucking sucked. They sucked really bad! The bass player had such a depressed expression, he’d make Bojack Horseman look like the sun from the Teletubbies. For some reason, the crowd would cheer every time the guitarist decided to change chords in the middle of the show, confirming my theory that everyone in here is a fucking retard.

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The music was terrible, the show was fucking boring, and they played like shit. When the guy started changing his fucking chords for the millionth time, Partyboy held me back from going up there and strangling him with them. Don’t care who he is, I would have shaken them off easily, I would have taken every asshole in the room who tried to stop me!

Not Partyboy though, fucking bum is always in the gym and drinking his protein juice, I can’t take him.

Terrible fucking show, another wasted Saturday night, when will these bands learn from my constructive criticism and play better?  

As usual, Partyboy did a dumb video that is far too long for people to watch all the way through. Enjoy the his terrible skills:

 

Text by Hugh Dick

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