Porto Death Fest III – Dick Report


“Warning, the man who wrote this report was planning on banging a lot of whores this lazy Sunday. He was not happy when I told him we had to go to church and then to a show we needed to report on. He proceeded to furiously insult the organization and continued on saying that every band would be garbage since none of them (to him) could be better than banging a bunch of whores.”

So many lost Saturday nights… so many ruined Fridays… and now these faggots had to go and fuck up my Sunday too? God fucking damn it!

Let’s just get this shit over with already.

“Voyance”, first band, what kind of fucking name is that? I googled it but only found shit in baguette, I don’t speak baguette. Regardless of my bad French, no band should be named after something French, no exceptions, being French is just totally 100% gay and not metal, seriously.

Fortunately, two assholes stole some crutches from a poor retarded cripple boy and had a good old sword fight in the pit, that was good enough for a small laugh. Neither of them got hurt…the fun died away quickly after.

Next up was… OH MY GOD fffffsss AGAIN?!?!?! These fucking cunts! With their gay death metal…sigh.

So, somebody invited “Pestifer” to the party, really? I am done seeing these fucking retards again and again, fuck me. I found a place to sit my ass down and ignored the shit show. Yes, it was more fun and less gay to have people’s asses right up in front of my face than to stand up for this substandard excuse for death metal.

This photo is taken by AllWinner's v3-sdv

Following that train wreck came the only rejects I haven’t seen before. A bunch of waffle munchers called “Dehuman”. Their guitar player looked suspiciously like Partyboy which made me trip balls… I had to ditch this performance too, so I went outside to check out which assholes had the lamest patches on their jackets.They sounded like a bad copy of Obituary, and being a bad copy of a band that was never any good to begin with…all garbage if you ask me!


To end this miserable Sunday, I got to see a band that got old in the nineties and keeps getting older with every second that passes. I covered these assholes last time so let’s move on.

“Master”s of being old and lame came to Metalpoint. The drunks were pretty packed as fuck inside the small room… but the mosh pit was in full force … so there goes my beer to the floor.

I would be more upset if these idiots’ weren’t slippin n slidin all over the floor, fucking hilarious. Anyone who tells you they come to a metal show for the music is a dirty liar, I come to watch the drunk turds flail around in the pit and fall flat on their fucking face. That’s the shit that keeps my boners healthy and strong.

I have no idea where I was going with this anymore. Bottom line, “Voyance” is gay, “Pestifer” is double gay, “Dehuman” is Belgian gay and “Master” is old gay.

Terrible fucking festival. Who ever thought a festival inside METALPOINT was a good idea to begin with? Screw this, I’m gonna bang me some whores, curl up into a ball, and cry myself to sleep, the proper way to finish a Sunday night.


Text by Hugh Dick


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