“Warning, the man who wrote this report has been very angry ever since he started cutting on porn. He says there are only so many videos on the internet and that you need to give it a couple of months for new videos to be uploaded. He’s extremely pent up and ready to blow up in your face for any reason. Do not take him seriously.”
It’s Tuesday night for fucks sake…my hemorrhoids are killing me… I have a proctologist’s appointment in the morning… and I have to waste my good sleeping hours getting my ears stuffed with the worst kind of music because of my deadbeat job…sigh.
Well, the first fucking band, “Jesus the Snake”, sounded like every other garbage band I saw at Sonicblast, it’s a good thing I was passed out drunk somewhere and didn’t see them, not so lucky this time around.
I always convince myself a shitty band won’t get any worse than it currently is, but then they got a keyboardist out of the closet and to little surprise, shit got worse.
Like the baby Jesus, they turned a shitty stoner doom band into a gay shitty stoner doom band, just picture shit as water and wine as that gay shit.
The big deal of the night came up next, some atomic bitches from what I’ve heard. But of course not, it couldn’t be…No bitches, just three guys in their late forties playing some really fucking slow, really boring music.
I liked that their first shitty song was dedicated to me… that was a nice touch I admit and from the bottom of my dick, to them I say “hope you die too”.
The dazed audience swirled around like idiots feeling each other with their thighs, slipping on the beer, it was a hilarious scene. These fucking turds have no idea how retarded they actually looked.
I did some post shit show research and found out that every cover of this band is ass and titties, EVERY SINGLE ONE! Don’t get me wrong, I’ll pick ass and titties over your crap band any day of the year, but there was none of that happening on that stage.
Winter is a grim and depressive time of year, when ass and titties are hidden beneath layers of warm clothing… I blame The Atomic Bitchwax for not making the crowd hot enough to take it off, I took it off but only because I was burning with furious anal rage.
There you have it, stay tuned, like our shitty page, follow our shitty Instagram, stop inviting me to like your shit on Facebook and stay tuned for my next rant. It might be YOUR shitty band next…
Text by Hugh Dick