“Warning, the man who wrote this report forgot to tie his shoelaces and fell face first down the stairs in front of EVERYONE! He didn’t think it was funny (it was funny) do not take him seriously.”
Of course I spoke too soon when I said goodbye to those hair hippies last week (last week as in November, this report is a little late). Cave 45 is still alive, even if on life support.
Just as on life support was the first shitty band of the night, “Shah Mat” or some shit, I don’t know, they had some weird punctuation up there too, but you know how I feel about punctuation on band names.
Anyway, they sucked generically and tried to save their show at the last minute with TITS!
It did not work fellas, it was very bad. You have to think BIG and ROUND!
I am joking of course, nothing could save your awful sound.
Speaking of awful sounds “BackAlley Lobotomy” played next. The alcohol was kicking in, its the only reason why anyone would voluntarily enjoy this garbage.
I will give them this, they all certainly look like someone who would lobotomize you in the ass in a dark alley for sure.
Fellas, are you ready for this? The next band I actually found slightly enjoyable. First of all, the name was Catastrophic blunt force intracranial haemorraghe fluid leaking from ruptured eardrums.
Second, I am quite sure that this was the effect on other people’s brains since the room cleared out in a second after the first riff (ahaha, “riff”).
These guys just said “Fuck everyone’s ears everywhere” and they meant it! How can I not get behind such a beautiful and heartfelt message? I am not a heartless piece of shit.
The only fags who stayed behind were the ones who got lobotomized by the previous band.
Next was the local Loreal endorsed band. Seriously, these guys were so fabulous, they should have played last week with the hair bands.
“Gorgasmico Pornoblastoma” spread their shampoo scented hair all over the place while the audience wobbled around like the drunk retards they are.
Fuck damnit! “Mr Mojo” again…
I already ran out of Powerpuff girls related jokes for these guys, haven’t I thrashed them enough?
Anyway, they fucked up the guitar somehow so the vocalist went bare handed for the rest of the show.
Couldn’t they cut their losses and go home? No, of course not, I had to suffer through another bland Mojo show for the tenth time? I don’t know, too many times.
Hopefully this is the last night I suffer at Cave 45, for real this time. I’ll shit on your grave.
Text by Hugh Dick