“Warning, this report is several months late because the man in charge of it has no sense of responsibility or obligation to anything aside from his basic human urges. He huffed some weird shit before writing this so don’t take him seriously.”
Final report of 2017, Metalpoint. I should have definitely done this shit last month, or the month before that. Who even cares about this anymore, right?
Well, my asshole boss does, so here I am, raving on about how shitty this band and that band are, imprisoned in an endless spiral of negativity and nihilism…sigh.
Some band I had never heard of started this end-of-year shitshow. They were called “Derrame”. It was so basic and bland, I can’t even find anything highly funny or vitriolic to insult them with. Maybe that in itself is offensive, there was nothing particular about them that stood out. No! Wait! The logo, yeah, the logo is pretty gay, looks like a five-year-old made it then spilled some expired ketchup on it, OOPS!
Next is “Happy Farm” again…fuck me. Fuck me hard. At least this time, it was a little different, they got a drummer made of meat and a different bass guy with more pounds.
Still didn’t made the music any less awful, like sticking your ears in fresh swine diarrhea.
I went for a piss real quick before the main garbage, and when I came back I had to elbow my way back to the front! What the fuck? Where did all these faggots come from? I thought the show had peaked at 5 guys, but apparently there’s a lot of people with a fetish for Danes.
Or maybe these are just elitist assholes who don’t feel like supporting the shitty opening bands. Way to go fellas! Those guys sucked ass, my night was completely ruined by all those bland fucktards.
For all the people who didn’t come early purposely to miss the local bands, you are forever my friend and I love you ❤
Now, how good were these Danes that made everybody suddenly show up from under their smelly rocks?
Zero, zilch, nada!
The first one I can’t even fucking pronounce it. “Phrenelith”? The fuck is that? Sounds like the guy sneezed while he was telling the name of the band to the registration guy at the garage band contest.
I’d say they lost badly.
Last one was a recycled version of the first, “Undergang”. From far away, it seemed like “Udder” gang. I imagined cows playing death metal and squirting pink milk in people’s faces. If only…
None of that though, just blander basic death metal, basically like the opening bands but from another country.
This happens everywhere of course, not a lot of people realize that Serrabulho are basically the Portuguese “Gutalax”.
So, to all o’you dumb idiots who came to see the Danes in hopes that they would suck the least, you have been thoroughly bamboozled.
Here is Partyboy’s shit video, hopefully the last one he makes himself.
Text by Hugh Dick