“Warning, the man who wrote this report doesn’t know how to have fun, he can’t pronounce the word, understand it’s meaning or even do it by accident. Do not take him seriously.”
Is it carnival? Is it a furry convention? A low budget “Eyes Wide Shut” kind of illuminati party? No… it’s just XXXApada na tromba, the portuguese equivalent of Obscene Extreme compressed into a tiny venue and in the dead of winter, fanfuckingtastic!
At least the smell isn’t too bad. I remember Obscene, that vegan toi toi smell was traumatizing to say the least.
But this is the shit version, you can’t even smoke inside, so the entrance gets pretty fucking crowded every time.
We missed the first few bands because of course we did. The organizers couldn’t even spell their name right so why should you care anyway?
“Burn Damage” was playing when we got there and TITAYS IN THE FACE!!!
Right off the bat there are tits in the festival. Pascoa you fat faggot, you kept your promise, I’ll give you that.
I cannot remember the music at all though, that shit was really distracting, maybe get her a scarf next time so I can focus on the music.
Wait, what am I saying? Fuck that. Your music will disappoint I’m sure, keep the tities, next band.
The breastival continued with “Brutal Sphincter” and more nipple action, but sadly it wasn’t what you would expect.
It was just one of the vocalists with his bare chest, except they had two of them to double the sucking of the music, and it worked amazing in that sense.
Plenty of retards were already tossing themselves to this shit when these two goblin-looking bitches showed up and started dancing all over them.
Ok, only one of them was goblin looking, the other one was skinny and had zero boob action going for her. The other one had plenty of mammaries to go around for everyone, plus she was literally horny!
Once more, I got distracted and completely zoned out the music. Not going very well for the bands in this report, but I never said I came for the bands.
Next was “Stillbirth” from germany, they also tried to use their bare chests to distract me from their shitty music, but I don’t remember seeing the circus freaks crawling around them.
People got crazy horny with these guys, I didn’t get the hype but I have a theory, bear with me on this.
So the entire band was ripped and bare chested (there were fat ones but who cares), which got all the girls real wet, making them dance and mosh all over the place. This in turn attracted the male metalheads, creating the illusion of fun when in fact, the only focus is, as always, on the DICK!
Local shitstains “Burned Blood” played next. No tits, no nothing, blander than water flavoured tofu, moving on.
Okay, so after this was the dinner break, meaning we all got extra fucked up on all kinds of liquor, details might derail a bit from here on.
For starters, we missed the first band after dinner for reasons unknown, let’s blame partyboy.
“Bleeding Display” was the first band we actually saw after dinner. More barechestedness met us, this time with menstruation all over his nips, this guy has been eating some major “on the rag” cunts.
Or maybe he kills them. I don’t know, he had an axe. Their death metal was pretty gay though.
From the land of drugs and fucking came “Korpse”, basic everyday brutal death slam metal, the vocalist looked like an enforcer for the russian mob.
More local white rice next with “Grog”. These fags are here all the time, you know they suck already, moving on.
The alleged main event was next, some russian guys called “Katalepsy”. Once again, the letter C fails to join the kool kids club and is replaced by the much swaggier K.
This show left me quite confused. The vocalist moved and dressed like he was rapping but he wasn’t.
He was doing some brutal death shit up there.
Maybe they thought the hip hop look would be good for marketing? I don’t know, I’m just lost with this.
The crowd was loving it for some reason, fucking posers!
Closing the first day was “Serrabulho”, which was a lot like a bunch of people sitting around and chilling, mostly because we missed that shit and were actually sitting in the backstage.
The amount of breasts in there is classified information.
Moving on to the second day (yes this garbage lasted longer than one day so buckle up).
“Dead Meat” was so interesting I don’t fucking remember anything at all.
“Kaliyuga” on the other hand was AWESOME! I will never forget their amazing show for as long as I live. Definitely the highlight of this festival, what a horse kick to the nuts!
I don’t remember how they sounded like though. I also don’t remember the other band members, only the vocalist for some reason.
I was happily ignoring some shitty bands after this, when Partyboy runs up to me and says “We have to catch Lvnae Lvmen, the festival’s Dad is gonna propose to his girl afterwards.”
No idea why he told me this, nothing about that sentence compelled me to go do it, but then he said I could roll one of his joints. How could I refuse?
On one hand, I didn’t understand at all what the fuck this band was supposed to be.
On the other hand, I can guarantee you it was absolute crap.
After that show, but before dinner, the main fat guy stayed behind on the stage to ask his girl to marry his wide ass.
But we had been bamboozled!!!
He fucking MARRIED HER!
The bridesmaids were more fun to watch than anything else up until this point (between you and me, beyond this point as well) but I cannot help but point out the obvious flaw going on here.
Páscoa, you cheap asshole, where is the free food and alcohol? That’s why people go to weddings, I expect you to throw a better reception next time, in case you divorce this one.
Can’t fucking believe this, Hugh Dick at a wedding.
Anyway, send me nudes of the bride asap.
The next two bands were basically the same shit with a different name.
First was “Omnipotent Hysteria” boring, virgin slam death, not much else to add here.
Second was “Extermination Dismemberment”, sounds like a bunch of guys who are really into Dead Space.
Both bored the fuck out of me, I wanted to die very badly at this point but the main event was still missing.
I must say, the main event speaks volumes of this festival but we will get to that in a minute.
Now it’s time for “Analepsy” for the millionth time. Calling them anal pepsi hasn’t gotten old in the slightest though, unlike their music and live shows.
“Gutalax”, the biggest shit conceivable, was the main event of the festival. How do I even insult these guys? They are literally shit, everything about them is shit, but their wear those shitstains like badges of honour.
Oh well, I guess the best I can do is say that Gutalax are the Czech version of Serrabulho, just like Moonspell is the portuguese version of Rotting Christ, but not as awful. In both cases, the not portuguese bands are less awful.
Still awful though.
Finally closing this garbage of an event, “Systemik Vioence”. These guys aren’t so bad, they are really angry at the crowd, just like me. Why do you keep funding these cunts? Why?!
The vocalist kinda looks like my cousin from eastern europe, he kicked a photographer right in the face, which was more priceless than any picture you will find of this festival.
The music was pretty bad though, sucks to be you.
Aaaaand that was XXXapada na Tromba, a terrible place for music but a great strip club, you don’t have to tip them and they take it off anyway. They are likely to slap you though, which makes it even better!
The whipping was tame, maybe next year they will add a sex dungeon with a rack and everything, maybe go get inspired by Brodequin and Prostitute Disfigurement album covers.
And just because I like you, here are some amazing photos of the event I found on the internet.
Also, a video that WASN’T made by Partyboy (it’s still crap though), enjoy.
Text and stolen photos by Hugh Dick