“Yes, I know this report is late as shit. As you know, I’m currently busy with learning how to bartend properly so there is hardly any time to publish or even make reports.
Plus, everytime I ask Dick to publish something for me, he just flips me off and rolls a joint so…yeah.
Here’s our overdue report on FILHA DA CVLTO, synthwave finally came to Porto.”
2018 July 12th – 2018 December 28th
Five months. Five months!!
I asked for it in July right here and we got him for Christmas. When I heard the news about Lazerpunk coming to Porto I just thought to myself “Well, nobody reads this shit so maybe the existence of Santa should be thoroughly investigated.” That’s when I decided to put my best agent on the case; a bit young with a questionable sense of fashion, but reliable. His name is Kung Fury.
So, are you confused yet? That’s perfectly normal, you’re probably reading this sober and that doesn’t make any sense. You think I’m not over 8000 levels of highness writing this putridly loveable text?
Ok, if you’re still here let’s go back for some dubious seriousness.
Lazerpunk came from Budapest to Porto to perform at Maus Hábitos (translates literally to Bad Habits, you can imagine what happens to angels there…) at an event called Filha da Cvlto which blew our expectations up.
They even had an exhibition of pretty pictures from several disgusting gigs just like Hugh Dick and it made us rethink our lives, why we were there, why beer is more expensive than gas, should we ask for a loan to quench our thirst specially now with these crazy rates; all of these thoughts straining our brains while at the same time realizing that we couldn’t wait to listen to the album Death & Glory being performed live, shaking our skinny buns to the waves of Speedracer feat. Quixotic , Black Lambo, Digital Demon feat. Daniel Deluxe or even Ego Death.
This album being gold, me and my imaginary friends wasted no time in starting the Gluteus Vibratus Ceremony due to the heavy, aggressive and hellish Hungarian bass only a mindless carcass could process.
His presence during the live performance was worthy of our attention – the last time I felt the same was with Gost at SWR fest, minus the whole theatrical foolery – with all the jumping, the hand calling and self-recording with the audience making us feel and love the music even more, just like a friend would act as your sweet sixteen dj owning the night with a dark feeling.
Yeah, Helga, the sixteen-year-old blonde girl inside me, was wet for the authenticity that emanates from a well-grounded artist that DOD recognizes as one of us, a drunken junkie. Hope he comes back to Porto so we can give him the award personally.
By the way, you owe me a beer, bro.
Before one of the best acts of 2018 came in everybody’s faces, the only thing my smelly self knew of the chosen ones to warm up the crowd in need of some cyberpunk injection in the veins was and I quote “Two friends that enjoy making Gothecno and Post-Punk sets. Perfect for funerals.” To be honest, it didn’t reassure me at all, and oh boy was I semi-mistaken.
Why semi, you ask? And why would I start writing the final act and turning this text even more confusing with all these drinks, dusty weeds and going back in time? Well, that’s a funny story actually…
So, Penta.Grama are two friends that warmed-up the place with some tracks from the past like that one song, and this one and they even played the other one, man, fuckin’ awesome!! These drugs are making me thirsty!!
I recognized so many of them oldies but my memory was shot dead for drunk on drugs since the only way we’re able to report here is to be intoxicated at all times, and also there’s no pay, but lots of experience.
Nonetheless, these two made me eager to see them again in the following months to check their progress WITHOUT the accidental bits here and there, but nothing that a drunken junkie would notice, so much his journey was worthy of a few bumps.
So, now you ask “Hey Flama, you fucking poser, you went to check some beeps and boops, the main act is lazerPUNK and there isn’t even a real guitar that comes with it. What came before that, Stomp?”
Well, joke’s on you my dear imaginary reader, for we had the unsavory pleasure of attending the most raw, disgusting, and noisy punk band, Vürmo. “The band that nobody likes” (I’m quoting the guitarist here and honestly it should be their slogan) made everyone lose their shit on creating the biggest mosh pit I’ve seen in ages at that rather confined space the venue had for all the luciferian acts going on there.
Let’s just say, not to cite any names, that the main act was going crazy with them; beeps and boops also enjoy living on the edge by trashing stolen cars!
Noises like No return, Poisoned flesh, and Into the night merged us all into a huge pile of testosterone. I’m serious, even the wahmen started growing balls, looked like one of those famous trap music parties they usually have there for the youngsters, truly the highest point of this event!!
Well, all these performers were quite surprisingly monstrous live, we all had a great time and, what?! There’s another band? Verbian? What’s that? Why am I always the last to know things? They opened the Filha da Cvlto? I wasn’t there man, I’ll just listen to them on the webz and say they were great, no one is reading this fucker. Who wrote what?! Ok sure, I’ll put him on here; ‘just hope he was as drunk on drugs as I was or this could actually turn out to be good…
—-“Bro Verbian was totally cool, some kind of Led Floyd stoner, like those Burney Relief guys but with their own vibe. Very good shit my dudes, they belong playing at Woodrock Festival, so if you bastards are reading this, pop them in the fest.
—-The audience was super into them too, it was quite packed for an opening act, but not quite the overflowing anime tiddie bra I saw when the punk boys played (both punks). Verbian, yes, DOD approved” Partyboi
Hey, this guy ain’t bad, seems like he was buzzed light-years ahead of me, good job!
So, there’s no one else to talk about, they’re telling me I have to wrap this up.
I’d like to thank the academy, the performers that were nice enough to talk to my degenerate self, Filha da Cvlto that organized a really interesting event with quality acts; they’re under DOD’s dragon radar now, they brought a nice layer of filth to our town, hoping next time you’ll bring Quixotic with some palm trees for a cleaner act.
Text by Flama Jiberish
Drunken Verbian Text by Partyboy
PS: Hugh Dick actually stayed home that day, nice dodge Filha da Cvlto