EROS 2019 DICK REPORT (NSFW)

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“Hey there friends! Partyboy here, writing to you from the trunk of my own FUCKING CAR! Hugh Dick tricked and locked me in here, he told the girls from CVLTO that I had to pick up his girlfriend at the airport so he can try the swing club later. That is utter bullshit, he’s the most single person on earth.

Anyway, I have no idea what he’s planning but remember not to take him seriously, he’s kind of an asshole.”

At long last, working at the dumbest company of all time pays off. For the first time, Drunk on Drugs has cast aside it’s shitty metal roots and dived dick first into the best Porn Festival in the country! FUCK YES! I have great things to say about this event.

Yes, you read correctly, I have good things to say, but don’t worry, there will be a lot of ranting as well.

The Eros Expo is basically a showcase of porn stars, strip clubs and sex shops, mixed with some seminars on several topics as well as hippie shit, but we’ll get to all that.

There wasn’t exactly a running order on any of this shit, apart from the Sex(y) Talk (the y is vagina, get it? it looked better with their font), so we’ll just go stage by stage telling you what the fuck went down.

There was a total of four stages in the main area who operated at random intervals, but there was usually always something going on.

“The rest of the report has been edited with bold for the general public due to Hugh Dick’s highly caustic nature and disregard for other humans. If you want the uncensored version, e-mail us.”

Sometimes, there was homosexual stuff going on, for the homosexual parts of Eros, please check this website: www.cvlto.pt

First up, we had the Crazy Girls stage, lots of fake tits (though not entirely), fun with dildos, fun with each other. This was a nice stage, you could even stick dildos in the girls if you liked but that probably costs extra and I need money for beer.

Speaking of beer, 2 euros for a sagres? That is disgusting, I hope someone gets herpes everywhere. The whiskey servings were also ridiculously small.

Right next to the Crazy Girl Stage was the Bad Boy stage, self explanatory right? I didn’t spend much time at this particular stage.

I must say though, while we are on the topic of men. It was hilarious to witness that men are way better dancers and strippers than women. The gay guy with the Mickey tattoos was insane, even the other strippers were amazed at his skills and his ass which held the Mickey tattoos(also Minie on the other cheek).

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              “Hugh Dick wonders if he has the big gay like people who listen to Six Feet Under”

On sunday there was also a S.W.A.T. stripper, a massive motherfucker who gave this shy little stripper a lap dance. After watching his performance, I will now make it my mission to master the pussy eating headstand.

Anyway, the female strippers had the looks but not the skills. Ladies, please step up your game, regular girls are hot too, they are just overly dressed and don’t know how to move around a pole.

Oh yeah, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, every stage had a pole in the middle.

Moving on, to the left of the Bad Boys was the Life Strip Club stage. They had one extremely sexy stripper who was supposed to give a lap dance to a couple but every couple in earshot wussed out. It was then I regretted leaving Partyboy in the car, he can look pretty girly from behind.

The rest of their strippers were fairly unimpressive,  BUT EVERY ONE OF THEM WAS A STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DON’T NEED NO MAN.

They did surprise me on the last day, when they convinced a lesbian couple from the audience to get a lapdance that got WAAAAAAY out of hand in a good way.

Yes friends, it wasn’t just the performers titties anymore, this was some strange. Two strippers going to town on a shy lesbian couple, the script writes itself.

Immediately next to this stage was the Porn Stage. Here you could watch two actors foreplay each other with fingering and blowjobs. Then you could decide if 3 bucks is worth seeing them fuck for real, a lot of people thought so but I’m an alcoholic, I have priorities.

To the side of this was the swingers club, nothing to see here but a long line of varied couples with priceless expressions. Some were too eager while their partner was frowning, others just looked lost or worried, others were chill because it was like their 50th swing session at least.

People looked at me several times, hoping I would get in line, many girlfriends thought this would be the day. It was not the day. Apparently you need to be in a stable relationship to do swing, complete bullshit but I don’t make the rules.

There was a stage for a gay strip club which I don’t recall the name, hot something. It was gay, Ghost levels of gay but with less satan, so more gay.

Next to the toilet of course, you had the BDSM Stage, leather clad chicks shoving things in dude’s assholes, melting candles on each other’s backs, using pizza cutters, riding each other like ponies. Basically grunt with some gay music.

I left something very important out, I’m gonna get into that and then we’ll discuss the Sex(y) Talk seminars.

Between the BDSM and the Gay strip club stage, stood the best strip club in the entire fucking expo, the Mask.

These strippers, these RUSSIAN strippers did not show their cooch to the public, but instead chose a more doable soundtrack, danced better and had real boobs.

The best stripper was Catwoman, I don’t know her name but she had a cat mask, congrats to her for winning Eros. No you idiot, there was no actual competition at the expo, just me rating the girls in my head, Catwoman is a 10.

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                  “XXXAPADA NA TROMBA, are you seeing this? THIS is a stripper”

Not to shit on the other ones though, especially the asian looking one with the big tiddies. Props to the two identical strippers who danced with chairs and didn’t show us their boobs. However, there was a very nice and unexpected nip slip but they probably don’t care, great show girls.

I still have some songs stuck in my head from watching catwoman dance and I have no idea what they were. Probably shitty ones but her hip-line hypnotized me. Mask, if you’re reading this, send me that playlist ASAP.

Alright, everything has been covered, between the stages there was a load of sex shops, food trucks, a tattoo parlor, a candy shop with candy shaped like me and a bar with bad music playing too loud.

There were two more things to see in Eros, the Sex Talks and…the goddamn hippies.

Even here, at a convention centered around wild fucking, hippies have to show up and ruin everything. HOW CAN YOU RUIN SEX?

Simple, you ask a hippie.

So the hippies had this big dark room covered with rugs and they danced on it, covered in glitter and wearing only these weird wonder woman looking belts, throwing star trek signs at people and generally not doing anything sexual at all.

The most sexual thing I saw them do was these two girls and a guy who were curled up like balls in a fetal position, softly kissing each other. SOFTLY!!!!

You guys realize there are people literally sucking each other off on stage back there right? Step it up, stop with this weird shit, shove something in somewhere for fucks sake. Goddamn hippies.

Full disclosure, only 50% of CVLTO’s staff actually enjoyed the hippie crap, we won’t say witch half.

Alright, on to the Sex(y) Talk conferences, there were about 18 or twenty of them, I attended exactly 6 of them.

The first one was this woman I’ve never heard of in my life but is apparently famous around here. Beatriz Gosta gave a conference about sex on social networks, apparently women are frowned upon and refrain from being openly sexual on the internet.

Beatriz Gosta and I obviously do not have the same friends on social media. This was the first time I realized these people were a little out of touch with the massive amounts of garbage the internet has to offer. These poor sheltered souls, I weep for them.

Regardless, Beatriz Gosta had some good points, we had a fun time, barely anyone in the audience had the balls to talk to her though.

I don’t get it people,you came to a POOOOORN COOONVENTION, you are already perverts, just fucking go with it, don’t hold back now, think of your health. Be as nasty as you want, you paid for that ticket. I didn’t but that’s not the point here.

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    “No Beatriz, trust me. Girls love it when you pull their heads down on your sausage. I checked.”

Props to the one old man who admitted to having sex with 7 women at the same time but doesn’t remember the details, a true hero. Beatriz naturally asked what drugs he was on at the time, he said it was all beer, what a legend.

After that I enlightened her about the problem men have with eating pussy which is the taste and smell. This is a sad reality friends, just be a pussy eater for fucks sake, man up! Guys in the 50’s ate pussy like they smoked cigarettes, quit complaining. But of course, if she complains that your dick tastes funny, slap her with it. It goes both ways, you have to be fair.

We had a great time with her. However, the funniest part will be omitted, the boss won’t let me include that in the report because it’s “unprofessional”. Suffice to say we had a good laugh at the expense of co-workers.

The second Sex(y) Talk I attended was not a talk at all. The extremely talented and well-endowed (perhaps too well-endowed) Pamela Sanchez performed a Squirting MasterClass.

She sat down, started slowly touching certain parts of her body, she got naked eventually but I swear I don’t remember how or when, she was just suddenly naked. She did the classic metal clamp on her pussy for a while, then some moaning begins.

Suddenly, it happened. It was like someone had turned on a garden hose, she squirted so unexpectedly that the front row had to back away quickly with their chairs, I’m 90% sure they didn’t get out in time. Those lucky fucks got squirted on by Pamela Sanchez. TWICE!

Our next Sexy Talk was on saturday with Gino Esteves. Props to Gino for actually knowing the fuck he’s talking about, great talk, great advice. I also helped him display types of hugs to the crowd, yeah, people don’t know how to fucking hug each other(that’s fine though, huggin is pretty gay).

However, Gino was in fact spewing a LOT of common sense, it appalled me greatly that these “couples” at this porn expo are so fucking deep in their own taboos around fucking. It’s ridiculous, it’s unhealthy. Fuck as much as you want, fuck whatever you want, whenever you want, quit being attached to things and people and life will be a breeze. In the words of Gino himself (nah, it was probably some proverb he got off the internet), nothing is too bad that it can’t get worse, or too good that it can’t get better.

In unbelievably stark contrast came our next Talk with the person who was responsible for these sex talks in general. Aline Castelo Branco, remember that name…

This PERSON had no fucking clue what the fuck she was saying! Tons of couples were there listening to her “Sexologist Expert Advice” and they probably stayed till the end listening to her garbage.

This talk was allegedly, about giving pleasure to women. Now I get it, women love shitting on men, so that was the pleasure part I guess.

We stayed for five minutes, in these five minutes she said things like; PMS is a couple issue, not a girl issue. Sorry single girls, this is why your life is miserable, you don’t have a boyfriend to help out with your period, sucks to be you.

She also said compliments everyday save relationships, this woman has obviously never been a guy complimenting every woman in bar. She has also never been a guy dealing with a girl with PMS who will tell you to get castrated and die if you say she looks pretty today.

She went on to say that women can do everything while men think inside boxes because they are so worthless and dependant on women.

Congrats guys, you got a PERSON WITH LIMITED WISDOM to give young inexperienced couples some relationship advice. She hates them, she doesn’t care about them and she has no fucking clue. This was sad to witness, truly. Even Partyboy would agree with me on this.

Just so you don’t think this is some anti women bullshit, our CVLTO partners (who are women) also saw through her lies and left with me.

Let me give some advice to women speakers. Can you just stop addressing men in such a condescending way? It pisses you off when a man acts condescending towards you yes? When he pats you on the head and goes “wow, look at you, you did that? and you’re a GIRL? WOW!!! Well, that guy was me and I do not represent the whole of the male gender, I go my own way(Although a lot of guys do need to stop being complete little bitches or your girlfriends will find themselves around my waist).

The last sex talk wasn’t that sexual because it was with Fernando Alvim, a famous portuguese comedian though I don’t remember why he’s famous. He was going to talk about fake porn news.

Basically he shared a bunch of old shitposts with the audience and told us it was fake news.

REALLY? Richard Gere didn’t show up at the Hospital with a gerbil up his ass? That barely literate story about the plummer who accidentally banged his best friends mom isn’t true? That little girl didn’t really realize it was her parents sextape after fingering herself? WOW, my worldview is shattered!

Also never forget the guy who got his girlfriend and her mom pregnant at the same time, that didn’t happen either (especially because I’m not paying no child support).

Alright, Alvim wasn’t that bad but his contents would not be surprising or fresh to anyone familiar with South Park. The funniest part is South Park actually aired on Sic Radical and this guy worked there. Still, about 5 years too late for all those memes, sorry bro.

To end this extremely erotic report, I must tell you of the miracle that happened last friday during International gal’s day. You will not find these details on CVLTO’s report. CVLTO are women and were naturally on strike that day, so this miracle is a DOD exclusive.

On that night, a handicapped man went up the the Crazy Girls stage to receive a lapdance from this cute black stripper with stunning biddies, dressed in black leather.

He had some difficulty walking and one of his hands was hooked around his chest, paralyzed. With an eager smile, she slowly helped him up the steps and onto a chair.

She then proceeded to give this poor man, who has clearly been pooped on by god, the best lapdance of his dreams, you should have seen the twinkle in his eyes.

At a certain point, she sat on his lap, holding his hands on her hips, then squirted some sexy gel all over her titties. As she slams his hands upon her creamy tits, both hands began caressing wildly by themselves, the paralyzed arm moved with new life again, as if nothing was wrong with him at all.

In all my years working at Drunk on Drugs, I have never witnessed such a miraculous event, the audience was weeping, touched by the moving scene that just transpired, absolutely inspirational.

This stripper performed the greatest act of kindness of human history, together with all the other strippers, they have shown me a new way, I now have a very deep respect for strippers worldwide and hope that everything goes well in their lives. These are real women in charge of their bodies, they know very well the power they possess.

And that was Eros, thanks a bunch to CVLTO for sending me to the epicenter of breasts and fluids, this makes me worry less about our partnership, just don’t forget to call the Mask every time you book a show like Filha da Cvlto, I ain’t showing up without strippers.

Alright, I have to go get my boss out of the trunk, hope I don’t catch him jacking off again. Dick out.

If for some reason you want to read CVLTO’s bland report of Eros which makes clear they spent a whooping 5 minutes looking around before running away, check these links right here, they have more pictures and more gay stuff;

CVLTO EROS PT 1

CVLTO EROS PT 2

To be fair, they did a good job taking pictures and my boss totally didn’t force me to write this;

PHOTO GALLERY

 

Text by Hugh Dick

Photography by CVLTO

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