Finally we get to release a magazine and its on the mostest brutalest fest our Glorious Holy Nation of PORTUGAL has to offer! XXXapada Na Tromba running with its 4th edition arrives and we couldn’t wait any longer.
We argued the way we should have gone to this amazing meeting of brutal death culture (if that is still a thing), the boss argued we should go by plane because it would be cheaper, I wanted to go by train but eventually gave in and the tickets were handled.
The day comes and we meet at the airport, go have a piss, realise airport food is overpriced as fuck and starve our way to the boarding gate where the same guy who argued for us to go by plane forgets any kind of documentation that could identify him, making him miss the flight (drivers license in the car by the way). Anyways, the steps we had to do compared to him riding along with friends in a plan B car made us arrive a little bit later, giving him a little sarcastic ass faced grin, you know the very punchable one. But it’s time to get to business.
The biggest party of the year begins! “Monigo” were the first of many uplifting bands that brought the party side to the brutality with their signature “tupa tupa” pornogrind, looking like bloodied hillbillies, hailing from madrid, these super grind bros opened what i would consider the best edition this festival ever had.
After a smoke break, we met with the Spanish “Rato Raro” on stage, and the only way i can describe what they look like would be to simply imagine skinny grandpa with his 2 buff as fuck grandkids, the music isn’t exactly what i look for in the festivals theme, but it’s still mildly headbanging material. It was also during this band that picture proof that I am not, and I repeat, I AM NOT HUGH DICK, was taken. We are seen together in the same pictures over a few Photography pages out there, do your own research retards!
A little later I had the pleasure to finally see my old internet friend on stage, the band that also once had a show in SWR Barroselas Metalfest. “Crepitation” finally returned to Portuguese lands to share their… whatever that thing they do with their fingers in their lips is, although it looked incredibly silly you can’t deny the brutality and heaviness of the tea drinkers that promised and delivered a slamming show.
Holy shit is that Phil Collins? Didn’t know he was part of “Meat Spreader”. The self titled “Four riders of gore punk” turned the whole room into a mosh hazard with their blasting performance. Even though the vox man looked totally out of place, it was absolutely hilarious to watch the botched attempts at crowd surfing and people realising that they can’t run for longer than what those blasts last, me being one of them. Polish grinding rawness at its finest.
Then followed a quick parking lot meal and a drink with some newly met buddies from mexico, and a bunch of binge smoking and drinking as usual. It’s great to see people from all around the world coming to enjoy the best brutal festival Portugal has to offer.
“Cripple Bastards”, the grindcore veterans from Ice Tea… I mean Asti, Italy, suffered a little from the timing of the set right after dinner, people were digesting, asses burned by the cheap rough supermarket toilet paper and the worst of all, trying to digest your food while smelling the unwashed armpits and ass cracks of wookies, I just hope nobody got fleas. Some people were intoxicated enough to mosh but the majority were just laying back and watching the lesson in true Italian grind fashion.
The return of “Epicardiectomy” was as expected excellency in slam culture, if that is still a thing, the czech quartet not only sported new fabulous hairstyles, but it also seems like they arent so much into the whole wigga slamboy thing, the more serious sounding and heavier set was well timed for a softer time as our bowels kept moving around, the slow raging slams were perfect for people to have a good time in the slow mosh style common in slam bands, the zombies are out and the things are certainly heating up around here.
The 27 year old Portuguese grind veterans “Grog” followed. I could write a thousand compliments about these guys but I believe i’ve ran out of them. Refer to my older reports of these guys for guidance. Put them in the national Pantheon or some shit.
The grinders from Limburg, “Inhume” were next, and finally chaos was set loose and the hordes of smelly bearded men were wild in the pit, the performance could be described to what looked like 2 bald guys having a seizure and a dude screaming “ISTO É DO CARALHO!” from the bottom of his lungs every time a song was over. I think it was 2 bald men… was it 4? I’m not drunk, you’re drunk!
Finally the band I’ve been begging for years and years when I filled up the “What band would you like to see on the next edition of x or y fest? “ questionnaires with one word, or multiple of, “Brodequin”.
The international brutal death metal trio absolutely ripped apart whatever energy was left of me, I was dripping sweat from the whole continuous blasting and heavy breaks and fucking shit did I love it. Apparently wookies aren’t fond of civil people having fun but that did not break the mood as I was too busy in the trance of the snare going faster than I can say “tatata”. And when The Virgin Of Nuremberg hit, all shit was lost. Lets hope these boys bring Embodied Torment and Disgorge along sometime soon.
“Satan’s Revenge On Mankind” was next, an enjoyable show but people were tired after the last performance and the 2 naked ghouls were only distracting us from the music, I wouldn’t say a weak performance but I was too tired for it, there was more to see the following day.
On Saturday we opened with “Annihilation”, the Portuguese female fronted (uh-oh) death metal quintet had a nice debuting performance, or so I was told, I watched it partially on youtube due to missing them because of traffic. The mic failed a bunch of times, it was funny, at least for us. The drummer also had an IRA shirt, dunno if that’s a worker or just support but good for you.
The death metal quartet “Undersave” was next and I can certainly see the lack of dancing girls during the national bands, is that because of jealous girlfriends or are they really that smelly?
The set wasn’t really my cup of tea but it was enjoyable, some good old tech death parts in there that certainly throw me off but i could enjoy the rawness hidden in between all of the messing around.
“Hymenotomy” were my second most wanted band on the card and fuck, it was an isolated incident of true brutality in the before dinner part of the fest. I just don’t understand why the front boys are so far apart, do they dislike each other or something?
I met up earlier with the drummer and he was a pretty cool dude, certainly an honor to see them live and to satiate my excitement for their turn. The set was as brutal as expected, the ping snare was so strong that I almost wet myself right there. The Estonian trio delivered their hardest face melting blasts and slams on their first time in Portugal. Please come back.
Also mecha predator showed up with a red whip and someone threw a balloon at her.
“UxDxS”, the four Danish grindmen gave a nice but underwhelming performance, I was still too overblown from Hymenotomy’s set and I needed more of what would come only later in the night.
“Tu Carne” was a better soundtrack for what the mood was set to, slower but harder hitting, the spanish grind group brought the first wave of silly costumes nobody could wait to pop into, we already had a few xxxicken purists yesterday but I guess today was the day to do that. I don’t allow fun so my costume was pretending I had a tiny dick.
The German pornogrind kings, “Gut”, came out with 2 underperforming wannabe bdsm strippers but rubbing yourself ont he floor isnt kinky, not even close. They weren’t providing enough distractitties so listening to the whole 16 minutes of Gut’s set was easy.
Tupa tupa snares, luchador mask, they had it all going and in the true spirit of the genre it was the controlled but explosive mix between partying and seriousness, the music didn’t suffer from all the fooling around.
The Portuguese slam heavyweight champions, “Analepsy”, came out sporting sick white back panels, it’s great to see our xxxapada usuals grow to the dimension these guys have, all backed by impressive talent and charisma by all members. A destroying performance with all the things you’d expect from them, crushing slams with just the right dose of blasts and double kicking that made them a national and international success, proud of you boys! Also is it me or is Marco gonna start doing the splits soon?
The Italian blasting brutal death monsters “Devangelic” spreaded heresy and mayhem through the venue, everyone erupting into a huge pit that started in the previous set, everyone was killing it this time and finally my thirst for raw brutal death was satiated once again, the rebooked boys after missing Xxxicken Party (who?) returned as promised to Portugal to scare every grandmother away with they scrilegic imagery and face melting riffs accompanied by unholy blasting and the occasional nun rape.
Repeating a show in 2019 here are “Prostitute Disfigurement”, the brutal death metalers from the Netherlands displayed again what they are all made of, sadly no one disfigured a prostitute on stage but I sure did hope they did, there’s already 5 massive dudes on stage, girls teasing on the corner are barely noticeable but male genetics can’t avoid looking at nipples. The raw blasting was enough to keep everyone moving though and it was one fucking hard performance.
The following bands were the type to calm the crowd down, “Serrabulho” and “Pornthegore” was totally missed by me but I caught a few bits of it and it seemed that the wookie, skinhead and massive fat dude that were just having a fistfight are now dancing like massive retards. As I’ve said every year, “party grind” is not my thing and I’d rather not comment than talk shit.
Nah fuck it! They are still a massive bathroom break.
And that finishes the report for this year, hope you grabbed this editions copy of the Drunk on Drugs Magazine, enjoyed the amazing time we had at the fest and remember, being happy is pretty gay!
Text by Angry Hateful Reviews
Video by Partyboy
Video editing by Hugh Dick