Hello friends! Drunk on Drugs returns to Hard Club for some proper old school violence, brought to you by the best of the best, SWR.
Hugh Dick: You really need to stop sniffing their balls like this.
Partyboy: Ah yes, Dick is here too but only because he PROMISED to keep the handicap jokes to a minimum.
HD: I did?
PB: This was supposed to be a threeway event but the Norwegian Black Metal band cancelled their appearance for reasons we didn’t care enough to research.
HD: Great! They had a dumb name anyway.
PB: Opening this fine night of evil music was an important job that could not be given to any random shitty local band.
HD: But that’s what they did…
PB: Wrong! The party started with “Alcoholocaust”, one of our countries most ass tearing bands who always come packing whiskey and deliciously evil riffs.
Oozing style and blasphemy, they told every poser and goth to die now or suffer their hatred and die later anyway.
HD: I know I shit on a lot of bands but…
HD: … BUT … I must say… this band picked a terrific name. Too bad the music is shi..
PB: Of course Dick! Not to be confused with that college party bus that made a bunch of people angry on the news. Alcoholocaust the BAND came first.
HD: How about that crowd? So excited huh?
PB: Well…as usual, the opening bands suffer. All the kids who never saw Death Metal live were saving their flimsy, tender bodies for the main event. This means that Alcoholocaust’s show had an audience of people ready to explode but denying themselves the pleasure just so they can show “Daddy” they got what it takes.
HD: Yeah, lose some teeth in the opening band or get too drunk you miss school for a week, that’s what kids your age should be doing.
PB: Uh…no… but we’ve all been there anyway. Some in the 80’s, some in the 90’s, some last week.
I get it though, mosh pits are dangerous and when you REALLY want to see the next band, you will be reluctant to DIE during the previous act.
HD: Can we keep this damn report rolling?
PB: Well played Dick…
2013 was far too long ago, some of the people reading this were still fetuses back then and do not recall how fucking perfect SWR XVI was! Maybe you read about it on DOD Magazine #6, maybe you were there.
HD: Get to the point bitch!
PB: THAT was the last time the all fathers of Death Metal graced our country with their presence.
HD: You mean skid marks?
PB: HAHAHA I mean NO! Bad Dick! No more jokes, let me finish. Go get the leftover booze from Metal Fiesta.
HD: There’s leftover Booze?! *leaves*
PB: Well… I don’t think he’s coming back…
Fucking “Possessed” returned to our country to give all the little boys and girls a very vivid lesson on Death Metal.
From the looks of the pit, it seems the lessons were sinking in as teeth and a ton fuck of wasted beer flew all over the place.
It’s hard to decide which show was better, SWR or Hard Club. SWR was years ago and the details are fuzzy.
This time it felt more intimate, maybe because last time I watched it from the back completely wasted and on the last day of Barroselas. This time I watched it up front with CVLTO and MAGMA without 10 other bands in my system, all of them worthy of headbanging and debauchery.
The band itself is still very much a diabolical presence on stage.
HD: Yeah! I don’t know how the guy moved around so much, cuz…you know…
PB: Oh, you came back…
HD: Was I not suppose to?
PB: You didn’t have to but you can.
HD: Hurry up with that shit will ya? Nobody’s attention span is that long these days.
PB: Well, Dick actually raised a good point, for a wheelchair bound motherfucker, Jeff Becerra has a lot of charisma and works that stage with a lot more enthusiasm than uh…mh…
HD: Guys who can walk?
HD: You can’t fight reality bitch.
PB: But of course, he’s the best! He’s grampa Death Metal, Schuldiner may be your Dad who died too young but Jeff outlived his children and he keeps doing what he’s good at. I am fucking thankful that he is.
HD: Do you think his penis works?
PB: And on that note we’re going to end this beautiful report because I cannot contain this asshole any longer.
HD: Why would you think giving me homemade liqueurs would help you?
PB: Can’t argue with that. Thank you for reading this short report friends, stay hydrated and buzzed, we’ll see you soon. Support Possessed. Alcoholocaust, SWR and Hugh Dick’s mom.
Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick