Laurus Nobilis Music 2019

Good size dick


PARTYBOY: Hello friends! Welcome back to Drunk on Drugs report! Today we’ll be talking about one of the best contenders for most disappointing festival of the year.

HUGH DICK: That’s right, Vagos has competition now! 

PB: LAURUS NOBILIS MUSIC FEST! So much done right and so much more done poorly, Dick here is going to have a lot of fun.


PB: Yes, settle down now. We’ll start with our arrival to the festival when…uh…well…

HD: You don’t remember, do you?

PB: I do! We got there with Magma and proceeded to find out where in fuck would we set up shop with them to sell some t shirts, magazines and spread flyers for Metal Fiesta Reloaded. 

We stopped in our tracks when a slightly shady and excited gentleman called us from the back of a truck just outside the festival’s backdoor.

HD: That man was a hero!

PB: That man was INDEED a hero! He wasn’t a simple mortal like the rest of us. He worked for the corporation known as “Intermarché” and was slinging everything you could find at a supermarket.

HD: But most importantly he sold BEER!!!!

PB: Not just beer! SUPER *OCK!! And if for some reason you needed something he didn’t have in stock at his truck, they would go get it to the store and bring you the next day, give you a call and a text, everything.

HD: What a beautiful thing…

PB: After stockpiling beer for an hour, we finally went to find out where our merch booth would stand and…

HD: Early bird gets the middle finger.

PB: It was actually quite alright. The organization was still getting grips on their shit so the merch booths were not all set up, we would be getting ours the next day.

No fucking problem! We got wasted without worries and enjoyed some bands.

HD: What do you mean enjoyed?

PB: Opening Laurus was “Lyfordeath”, a nice death metal act that got things jiggy.

HD: You blind faggot, they sucked and you know they sucked.

PB: Next to other bands on that festival, did they suck that hard?

HD: Fair enough. Their name is still a cancer to write, read and pronounce. What the fuck is that? Ly for death? Do they know LY means I love you in internet lingo? That’s not fucking death metal you guys!

PB: Shut your face Dick, the next band was “Humanart” and…

HD: Stop, we didn’t see that one.

PB: I saw a little…

HD: You saw a drunk thot shown to you in an instagram story at camp while you pounded beers.

PB: Oh…

HD: We also missed the next band because it was garbage and ain’t nobody got time for WAKO when there’s beer at camp that wasn’t made across the border.

PB: Fair enough. NEXT however!!! Things got thrashy with Spaniards “Soldier” who made the late night audience of Laurus jiggle even more.

HD: Boring pile of…

PB: A massive improvement from last year’s show with Cruz de Ferro.

HD: Can’t argue with that.

PB: Closing the first day Party were German thrash veterans “Contradiction”, the festival almost peaked right there!

HD: If only the fools in the audience had known, maybe they would have moshed harder.

PB: Contradiction know how to make hair spin well, we’ve talked about this before. Laurus was no exception.

HD: Slightly less damn awful than Soldier.

PB: After the bands, we went to camp to double the beer intake and returned to watch the DJ’s, who happened to be bros.

Chaotic Th3rapy promised a fresh playlist with delicious songs, we were excited and eager.

HD: But then LAURUS happened!

PB: I had literally just arrived at the afterparty and the sound was cut off. Dan from Sotz came to explain that the party was over but there was booze at the camp. Fine then!


PB: Apparently SOMEONE didn’t pay the sound technicians enough for them to hang around after the bands…

HD: So they understandably fucked off!

PB: We were promised at the very least an hour of music, there was little more than 20 minutes, that’s like two generic Metallica songs!

HD: Fuck that shit!

PB: That was day 1 of Laurus, not a stellar first day (unlike some festivals) but the beer was enough to keep us happy.

Second day began earlier for us and Magma, we had to set up shop and we didn’t even know the location of the booth yet.

HD: I stayed in the tent.

PB: Our booth wasn’t bad but we did have to fix it a bit using our crusty DIY skills. 

After setting up shop we waited for customers. Magma mostly handled the booth since we had to go and see the bands for the report.

HD: Sigh…

PB: The first day of Laurus Nobilis that you had to pay for opened with a band I’ve never heard of until the previous day, “Second Lash”.

HD: Should I tell them?

PB: You’re going to do it anyway…

HD: People went to see your band because there was a girl in it.

PB: That was the word around camp yes, everyone wanted to know how sexy she was and there was also nothing better to do.

HD: She looked like a house dunked in period blood.

PB: The songs were alright.

HD: The songs were NOT alright you dumb fucking bitch!

Aslo fucking awful was “Hochiminh”, who the fuck told you these gay boys were a grindcore band?

PB: I vaguely remember a band with that name at XXXAPADA!

HD: It was gay metalcore you dumb cunt! 

PB: “Wrath Sins” was nice afterwards, though.

HD: More bland local bands. Next!

PB: We actually skipped “Peste & Sida” since they skipped playing with a certain band a few years back for no reason. 

HD: No, we saw a bit.

PB: We did? Was it good?

HD: No. Mata Ratos last year was way better and it’s still trash.

PB: Finally some main event bands came our way, first with the familiar “Entombed AD” which we’ve seen three times before. 

These guys basically carried the festival. Starting with the intro from John Carpenter’s lost themes, they vomited death metal classics all over the hyper excited audience.

HD: Don’t forget the new songs nobody knows or cares.

PB: Dick, this is a little kid’s festival, they don’t know any better.

HD: What do you mean? The place was crawling with Milfs!

PB: Yeah… Laurus was kind of a Milf central. Good Milfs though.

HD: Not all of them…but yes.

PB: The fuck were we talkin’ about?

HD: Milfs.

PB: No! Before that.

HD: I don’t care, I like the new topic.

PB: Entombed! Right, saviours of Laurus Nobilis, best show of the day if not the festival itself.

HD: Italians had to fuck it up.

PB: Hard to disagree but can you elabor…

HD: Ask anyone who went to Laurus, they will tell you “Fleshgod Apocalypse” was boring as shit! There wasn’t even any moshing, “Dallian” was better at Metalpoint and these are the guys that inspire them!

PB: It did start well with the Violation, that one song from the second album everyone knows. Their stage attire is nice, the fat opera lady looked straight out of Yharnam. 

Why they don’t touch the first album, the one with all the actual Brutal Death stuff, we’ll never know.

HD: You’ll never know, you gullible dumbass.

PB: Anyway, unfortunately the consensus was: Fleshgod was boring. If you disagree, you are a minority, congratulations.

That was it for day one of paying to get in. The next day started with “Besta” replacing Primal Attack, a fine choice indeed.

HD: Except I’ve seen them too many times because they are fucking everywhere. Getting a little old…

PB: I actually missed their show to take a shower. The showers at Laurus were very IMPOSING!

HD: Stylish as fuck.

PB: Standing at the entrance of camp was a long ass army truck. That’s right, the army proved to be useful in times of relative peace by sending all the metalheads to take a bath.

HD: Don’t you mean, to take ABBATH?

PB: Showering in a War Truck of War was quite metal, so props to Laurus for this initiative.

HD: However, it was massively gross.

PB: When we returned to the stage “Gwydion” was on.

HD: Another one of those retarded bands that pretend they are vikings or pirates in a Portuguese band…

PB: Well, Gwydion were responsible for one of the most intense and floor shattering shows of the entire festival. The crowd went wild with joy the entire time.

HD: The crowd is stupid! Besides, claiming any band was the best of this festival is the same as getting a participation trophy.

PB: The main stage opened next and we went to see the last ever show with “Sinistro” and their lady vocalist. We did not know this would be their last show with her as we watched.

HD: What’s with all the spazzing around? She was having a seizure on stage and people just stood there! No wonder she quit the band.

PB: The spazzing was a little excessive. I don’t think it was always this intense. Maybe now they will return to their instrumental roots.

HD: Remember when the Veigas trolled everyone by replacing Aborted with Sinistro? That was priceless!!!

PB: So, after Sinistro was…

HD: Oh god no…

PB: “Crematory”.

HD: *Audible exasperation*

PB: Crematory confused a lot of people who looked at the bill because there are at the very least 20 bands called Crematory all over the world. Some of them are Death Metal bands, we didn’t get those…

HD: No! We got the goth hard rock band from Germany! 

PB: The entire festival suddenly fell asleep to the dad goth rock played by the band, everyone cursed their existence except…

HD: Except that one guy! Some poor sod was taken to the stage and proclaimed by the band as “their biggest fan”. I’m not sure if they know what they did here, this guy basically went on stage to tell everyone “HEY GUYS, LOOK AT ME, I’M A FUCKING IDIOT!”

PB: Their show felt like years, long draggin years. Finally it ended and a real band came to the stage to try and save this carcass of a festival.

We’ve been fans of “Samael” for a long time…

HD: What do you mean “we”?

PB: Oh right.. Anyway, Samael is a band I’ve been wanting to see for a few years now and their show was pretty good. A lot of people couldn’t handle the drummer using his HANDS and playing standing up. 

HD: Yeah! What was that gay shit about?

PB: Thank you for proving my point Dick. “Samael” are one of those love\hate bands. They started as a black metal band people really liked and then evolved to an industrial weird band that a lot of people sort of love.

They went to both sides of their phases and the audience was pleased. From “Slavocracy” to “Baphomet’s Throne”, the thirst for classics was satiated. They even played a song I forgot I loved, “Rain”. 

HD: And the second day came to an end.

PB: But I wasn’t done talking about Samael, they played that cool song to get High, the one with the galaxies.

HD: This shit is already 7 pages long, no one will reach this part, get on with it!

PB: Fine! The last day of Laurus began beautifully with locals “Toxikull” who have gotten much better since the last time we saw them. 

HD: More basic thrash metal from daddy’s garage?

PB: Along with “Grimlet” and “Simbiose”, the last day had a better start than any other. Actual violent music with intent to kill you fast.

HD: More local bands that are everywhere and nobody cares. Vagos and Laurus are basically giant band recyclers, that’s why their names sound similar.

PB: While we waited at our mech shed for “Analepsy” to come swing their dicks at us, we wasted our down time looking at insta stories and we saw something VERY relevant…

HD: Before he keeps going, let me just add that 99% of people who showed up to this festival wanted to see one specific band.

PB: From the phone, we saw Peter Tagtgren’s worried face at some random airport.

What airport you ask? MUNICH!

HD: That’s right, after waiting for three days to see “Hypocrisy”, the entire festival was butt raped by the airline companies.

PB: On his instagram, Peter said the show would have to be cancelled, nothing to be done.

HD: It’s even funnier when you find out the rest of the band was there since friday banging your girlfriends. Only Pete stayed behind to take care of his record Label.

PB: The organization did the right thing. If you were one of the unfortunate sods who drove here for the specific purpose of watching Hypocrisy and only brought the last day ticket, they refunded everyone like professionals.

HD: Ouch!  

PB: The audience lumbered inside totally depressed, the bulk of the festival was reduced by more than half. At least we would get to see “Analepsy” again!

HD: Ouch! 

PB: But the guitar player is in the Netherlands…

HD: Threeway Analepsy? Is that why it was the most boring Analepsy show of my life? Even the one at XXXicken Party was better and the entire audience was busy looking at the football game between us and Poland.

PB: Well… considering how batshit crazy things get when Analepsy play in most places, this show palled in comparison. No moshing, some headbangin, there were obviously excited people but the depression from lack of Hypocrisy was hitting everyone pretty hard.

HD: Then they decided to double Soilwork’s set and add more Freitas to make up for it. This makes up for nothing!!!

PB: Soilwork isn’t that bad, they had some tunes in the first Prey video game.

HD: And you don’t even remember the songs. Can we end this already?

PB: Well, “Soilwork” was a lot like Dark Tranquillity last year. That’s one of the problems with Laurus. It’s too much this kind of music in the main events. Crematory, Soilwork, Fleshgod, Samael, these bands aren’t so different.

HD: Yes, all of them are BORING!

PB: To be fair, we can’t blame Laurus for Peter’s absence. They did bulk up their line up this year, Entombed and Analepsy were excellent choices. But just like we said last year…

HD: You said last year, bitch.

PB: …Your festival needs more power. Raw, disgusting, depraved metals. You have enough melody every year! You have the fluff, now give us the crust.




Text by PB and Hugh Dick

Pictures by Diogo Azevedo (on facebook)

Good size PB