Fellas! Time to have a talk about synthwave’s second big ass event in the sexy City of Porto, this report will be different because…
Hugh Dick: Because you’re favourite Uncle is here too.
Partyboy: Yes, since getting this retard to write anything has gotten very difficult after his experience at EROS…
HD: I left you some colouring books in the trunk.
PB: IT WAS DARK YOU ASS!
HD: And don’t you have a phone?
PB: Alright, it’s too soon to get off the rails, so let’s talk about this awesome party.
HD: Awesome? You were there right? At the same party I was in?
PB: Yes, at Maus Hábitos, the other day.
HD: Ugh…let’s get it over with. You start.
HD: And then he fell in love with us.
PB: What? Be quiet, we have a lot of shit to cover.
HD: There’s no need to cover him in shit because…
PB: No one is talking about that! Why don’t you go get that bottle of leftover vodka from the basement?
HD: Why don’t I indeed???
PB: … Alright. Dick is gone and I can start this report without his insufferable buffoonery.
For the duration of this report, we will also be mentioning another of our recent partners who helped us greatly in this quest and suffered the same fate as us…
Yes! We had the opportunity to present the public with our awesome MAGAZINES next to Magma Wear’s sexy t-shirt designs and character stickers.
Together, we would man the merch booth which, to anyone who has been to this kind of events, is something absolutely essential. Bands and artists usually make their living off selling t shirts and all kinds of merch they can bring on tour.
It’s not the money you pay them or selling CD’s on the internet, that doesn’t pay the bills, fan love pays the bills.
So our day at Maus Hábitos began with picking up our partners from Magma, getting all our stuff for the merch booth in place, packing it carefully in the car, carrying all that shit up to Maus Hábitos and waiting on our asses for the organization (fuck, can’t remember the name but I also can’t seem to find it online) to finish sound checking.
While we had a smoke break, I remembered I had forgotten something important and had to race to get it and be back in time.
CVLTO! That’s right, that’s the name of the organization, they just texted me the name.
When I got back in time, the horror was revealed. I have no idea who thought this was a good plan.
Apparently, there were a few weird art projects in place that had nothing to do with anything but were occupying a shitload of valuable elbow space. Particularly the one between toilets.
HD: Oh! I remember that room, the really bright white one with only two people?
PB: Yeah, that one. Gimme some of that vodka and cover for me, this part is right for you.
*big gulp of pure vodka*
HD: Alright! So Maus Hábitos included this massive waste of space which was completely empty every time I passed by it on the way to the bathroom. You could see the sadness in their eyes, but at least they had each other, right? Right?
Next time, maybe expose your arty content in a place not filled with drunken retards like myself, as you can see nobody cares.
…AND SPEAKING OF NOBODY CARES!!!
PB: Goddamnit, two pages and we haven’t gotten to the bands yet…
HD: For some unknown reason, there were two guys who, allegedly, are supposed to be masters of the “art” of tattooing people. They would be at the event doing what they do BUT LIVE…alright! Nothing wrong with that yes?
HD: Hey! I’m getting to that, drink your vodka.
PB: You drink this shit you fucking asshole! I’m angry for a change and I wanna talk!
HD: Whooooaaaa! Mr. Herculean Testicles over here. Go on, you’re the boss.
“The following part of the report has been censored heavily by request of a third party, so we apologize to anyone who has a sense of humour and ask you to understand that a lot of people haven’t found theirs yet. The originals shall remain locked in the basement”
HD: Long story short, Johnny Corvo is a complete idiot with no regard for his craft or his customers. Can we wail on the bands now?
PB: We still have to mention the incident…
HD: Oh right! I can do that in 5 seconds. The owner from Maus Hábitos lost his shit because we put up a poster from our Metal Fiesta next to the merch booth, next to the giant sign of our logo that bothered no one and…
PB: …and we left it there, didn’t we?
HD: Yeah…Anyway, the guy from Maus Hábitos was yelled at by his tiny testicles and forced to take the poster down. Why you ask?
PB: They don’t want posters in there from shows that aren’t at Maus Hábitos.
HD: What a bag of dicks. They even make me sound like a little girl selling cookies to old people.
PB: Yes, Maus Hábitos only supports itself, which begs the question, why should we support them?
HD: I like where this is going.
PB: There will be more issues with the venue, but let’s get to the bands and that will come up eventually at the best possible time.
HD: FINALLY!!! “Pledge” was totally gay right?
PB: No, Pledge was a great beginning for this sequel. A powerful sludge band that made great use of their space and pumped the audience nicely. The vocalist looked genuinely pissed off at people, what a train!
HD: Not more than me?
PB: Tons more. After that was “Manferior”, which is a band name that reminds me a lot of you, Dick.
HD: I have to admit, it’s sort of catchy. But I’ve heard shitcore bands like these a million times.
PB: They actually identify as a shitcore band on Facebook.
HD: Really? That’s honest of them.
PB: “Manferior” opened the pit properly and violence infected the audience like chlamydia at a cheap whore house.
HD: Eh, trust me, that gets around much faster than a mosh pit.
PB: Unfortunately, nobody headbutted a ceiling fan this time, but Manferior displayed their thick iron claws and they were pretty big. A band of Badasses that kept snowballing the party to explosive eights.
HD: And that’s the bands! Just two shit bands, thank you for reading this fetid garbage and we’ll see you next ti-…
PB: Dude, no. There’s DJ sets.
HD: What? Nobody stays for that!
PB: The headliner was a DJ man.
HD: No way, seriously? No wonder the party sucked.
PB: After “Manferior”, synth casuals were tricked into thinking “Neoslave” was playing. YOU FOOLS! That was Perturbator’s Future Club. That is the synth equivalent of mistaking Cannibal Corpse for Megadeth you plebs.
HD: You know too much about this shit.
PB: “Crook Nadramia” was the first DJ set of the night and it was way better than the previous first DJ. Loved the shift in tone here. Where Penta.Grama where more goth and dramatic, C.N. where more blyat and hardbass with synths included.
PB: Sadly, “Crook Nadramia” followed in the footsteps of Penta.Grama by having really bad song transitions. I love Carpenter Brut’s Turbo Killer but you dropped it so suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of another song that it was just confusing.
Great soundtrack though, quite bouncy.
However, the transition from them to “Neoslave” was smooth and clear. Darkness descended, red covered the walls and Satan was about to synth our asses back to hell.
“Neoslave” exploded and the audience went mad! Dancing was rampant and wild, tits and asses shaking in all directions.
HD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAND THEN?
HD: You knew it was coming.
PB: I did.
HD: But you didn’t want to believe it.
PB: I didn’t.
HD: But what else can you do? You have to report. That’s the job.
Right in the middle of “Neoslave’s” amazing, boner inducing show…
HD: Calm down with the boners.
PB: NO!!! FUCK DAMNIT!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! During “Neoslave”, one of our partners from Magma found me in the frontline and told me the good news… IT WAS TIME TO CLOSE UP SHOP!!!
PB: Basically, what he told me was, we have to pack up everything, leave and we can’t leave shit in the closet…and we have to do it RIGHT NOW!
HD: In the middle of the fucking headliner! HAHAHAH! This shit is hilarious!
PB: Once again, this order came from Maus Hábitos. However, this issue would have been easily avoided if THERE WEREN’T TWO RETARDS DOING TATTOOS IN A CROWD OF DRUNKS AND JUNKIES!!!
HD: “Waaaah, I wanna be near the people!” You fucking baby, why don’t you tattoo people in the middle of the street? During a thunderstorm, on rush hour, while driving a bicycle and juggling chainsaws.
PB: So, while doing our job of REPORTING, we had to leave and make sure that all the stuff from the merch booth was looked after, amidst a horde of drunken junkies.
HD: Classless drunken junkies, unlike ourselves.
PB: Do you see? Do you understand that this ENTIRE part of the report would not exist if you had used your space properly, defined your priorities, and what is relevant to a music event? THAT’S WHY WE’RE RAMBLING HERE! Your bad planning caused us to abandon the show! We wanted to make a good report! We wanted to WATCH EVERY SECOND OF NEOSLAVE! That was in our fucking job description!
But because this Johnny Corvo got the highest fucking spotlight in the history of whatever this is, we couldn’t fully report the headliner! This headliner sold one t-shirt. And how do we know this? HE TOLD US!!! And we were there when the guy brought them. If it wasn’t for DOD and Neoslave teaming up, he would have sold zero shirts.
Magma sold one T-shirt to our good buddy Carlos. We don’t know how much the other bands sold.
Neoslave, Pledge, Manferior, Magma and Drunk on Drugs, all the merch from these entities stuffed in a table that wouldn’t fit two people on a romantic dinner.
There was a feeling of discarded irrelevance, not to DOD…
HD: We wouldn’t give two shits if they smelled like cinnamon.
PB: The artists you booked, your other partners felt shunned, boxed up and abandoned in favour of what?
HD: But tattoos are cool boss! Look at this dolphin I have on my left ball, do you think someone will let me tattoo the right ball at Maus Hábitos?
PB: Anyway, we managed to catch the end of “Neoslave’s” show. He did a squat on the mixing table while still mixing; it was the most Slav thing ever at Maus Habitos, they don’t deserve the honour of hosting such a fine artist as this Belgian Slav mothercuker from hell’s bad neighbourhood.
HD: We’re not going to report the other techno trance crap that closed the show, it was pretty bland and unimpressive.
PB: Well I…
HD: You know it was boring.
PB: It was kinda boring I suppose, but that’s what happens when you play after Neoslave.
HD: Pretty sure they would have sucked all day and all night, like your mom.
PB: While the last DJ’s were playing, we caught up with some of our replacements who were now in charge of the leftover merch booth, now wholly dedicated to band merch.
HD: Their faces were priceless!
PB: Yes, we could see in their expressions that they felt our pain, they knew the closet was not a good place for the merch, it deserved better.
HD: Speaking of FUNNY FACES!
PB: Every single time we went to the bar we got served by different people. Every time we asked for a beer, we asked the price…
HD: …And every one of them flinched when they answered.
PB: That’s right, their faces immediately betrayed them, saying “I’m so sorry bro, I know 2,50 is a massive rip off for one beer but I just work here man” right to our faces.
HD: A split second but unmistakable.
PB: So, what did we learn from another night at Maus Hábitos?
HD: That Maus Hábitos is a shithole with shit management, and an elitist sense of, well, elite?
PB: We already knew that.
PB: We learned that there is a lot of relevant stuff you have to check, ponder, analyze and decide if you want your Fiesta to be successful. Despite our rantings here, it was a successful party.
HD: Nobody likes sequels, though.
PB: Considering certain things that happened, this could have gone much worse and most of the issues everyone had during the event are easily traced back to…
HD: SHIT MANAGEMENT, Maus Hábitos!
PB: Yeah, the venue is not the best and as much freedom as they claim to shower upon their slaves, they continue being assholes with retarded rules.
HD: And never forget, Neoslave is better on YouTube, better than the real thing.
PB: Fuck off, I missed that song because of the shit management.
HD: Wrap this up already so I can wrap something else up.
PB: Don’t be harsh on the organization, they are doing great things even if TOO MANY at the same time. It’s only natural that some of them will slip out slightly raw.
HD: Like your shitty YouTube videos.
PB: You made the last video.
HD: Working with YOUR footage.
PB: Bottom Line, no one else is bringin’ Synthwave to this fucking city, so what choice is there? It is what it is, but someone has to break the monopoly.
HD: Perfect! That’s a wrap. I’m leaving, you can keep this up if you want, I have shit to do and meat to beat.
PB: Thank you for reading our Siamese report, we’ll see you next time, probably at our own Metal Fiesta, there will be alcohol for everyone. EVERYONE! There will be no expired burgers of any kind (this joke doesn’t work now because of censorship, but YEY! Freedom @ Maus Hábitos). Bring your retarded friends, it will be wheelchair accessible.
We won’t have a ramp, but our new Security cyborg, Killdroid, can carry your ass up the stairs and put you on stage.
See you on the 18th!!!
Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick