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SWR XXII

Good size dick

Resultado de imagem para swr barroselas 2019 cartaz

The yearly pilgrimage of the Portuguese metalhead ends in a small village in northern Portugal, in a unique ritual where the steel warriors celebrate with loud music loud drugs, loud alcohol, and even louder women!

The steel warriors return home to SWR Barroselas Metalfest, where it either might rain in biblical proportions or you might be blessed with sunny days, with the occasional cloud pissing on you, of course.

But it’s not for the unpredictable weather that this almost religious gathering is known for: this is the place where everyone you meet, be it from faraway lands, neighbors you never go out with, or even those internet friends you know from that metal Facebook group, get to hangout personally as this is “the big boy event”, the place where the so called TRVE KVLT get to go so they can say that Vagos or VOA sucks balls. Great times they are!

Unfortunately for you readers, Partyboy was being a Workyboy so me this time, the newly renamed Killdroid – after my little incident in the droid factory in Geonosis (FKA Angry and Hateful) – has been stripped of all emotion, and now I’m a proud owner of a bad ass generic villain eye plate with a retractable dick.

The festival begins with the welcoming of campers with 4 bands competing for a spot on the bill of Wacken Open Air. You know, that massive fest in Germany where the posers go. The competition was “Roadscum”, “Diabolical Mental State”, “Grog” and “Sacred Sin”.

The opening act, “Electric Hydra” (not competing to Wacken because they’re Swedish) were perhaps the weirdest mix between good instrumental and horrible singing: that lady was so out of tune and so out of gas that the dudes behind her had to carry her ass to the end of the set. I expected the Swedish to be a lot fiercer than they were but luckily, they didn’t play for too long.

Then came the longest soundcheck in the history of Day 0, which wasn’t even the highlight of “Roadscum’s” act, the true highlight was that when the music actually started no amount of messing with the sound quality could save them from this misery.

They rocked hard but they seemed to care more about being show offs than actually being on time with each other. These guys were all over the place, out of key, out of tune, and out of rhythm. A true shame, if they weren’t so sloppy, they could have had a chance. The studio stuff isn’t this bad, in case you ever get around to listening it.

Diabolical Mental State” were the first true competitors in this round, something you could actually headbang to. Like they said way too many times: “Siga a festa caralho!”. Finally, heads were moving and even a small pit came out of this crushingly heavy death metal of Portuguese origins. Truly mosh pit worthy. 

Although part of my brain has been turned into machine, I still remember how smashing these veterans are and how well I’ve spoken about them in the past, and I still could go on and on about how great “Grog” are! 

I’m not gonna go on a bootlicking spree but guess who won… *wink wink*.

“Grog, it was Grog who won, the wink is a malfunction.” 

“Sacred Sin” were the last competitors on stage… 

oh wait… no they weren’t, fucking quitters!

Day 1 arrives and it’s time for a shower to wash the smell of genital juice out of my body and to brush the alcohol and ash remains off my teeth. You know, usual procedure. The next step is pretty obvious: I went to take a massive dump. While at it, the brain starts to go on and off suddenly on the fact that I’m gonna see “The Black Dahlia Murder”. Yes, Black Dahlia Murder at SWR. Hilarious, since this is considered to the be the TRVE “alternative” to Vagos in Portugal… 

… when it comes to national festivals, which in itself is also hilarious because Vagos is Batatoon and SWR is Nuticias for those who were there for those shows (because the Vagos kids certainly weren’t).

The 3rd stage bands were like night and day. The black metal “Nakkiga” vs the uplifting fast riffs of “Turbowarrior of Steel”. How schizophrenic. Nakkiga were alright, but it’s hard to enjoy black metal while you’re all hyped up and it’s 5 in the afternoon. However, “Turbowarrior” was the right fit for a light jog in the pit.

On stage 2 we had the Brazilian “Woslom”, and just like the previous act they rocked ass; fast riffs and heads moving just how the people like it, some of the best Brazilian Thrash right there. Alas, some of the bands on the fest have a very similar sound, making it sometimes hard to understand what’s so unique about them. But sometimes it’s nothing, they’re just good and that’s all I can really say about it.

 Next we had our home boys “Analepsy”. Seeing these boys go from 3rd stage fest openers to stage 1 with all the fancy graphics and banners was a delight.

True pride of the Portuguese death metal scene and undisputed kings of Portuguese Slam, again at it with a smashing performance.

Morte Incandescente” was the biggest drag after listening to one of the heaviest sounding bands in the fest. Although I’m a fan of the studio stuff, I can never get myself to stay and enjoy a full set when seeing them live. Guess I just don’t wanna kill myself that much, or is it because I never had an emo phase? Now’s the time where my circuits go wild and I bug out and decide between 2 bands playing at the same time. I shall watch none, its dinner time motherfucker. I might be part machine, but I’m also part fat ass. But “Venenum” sounded alright from the comfort of my camping chair.

Midnight” with some wild thrashing to help us digest the camping food, although I dedicated the latter half of the set to socializing and exploring the merch stands, catching up with old faces and meet new ones.

Then we had the smashing “Sublime Cadaveric Decomposition” delivering one of the heaviest sets this night with a lot of fast paced blasts, crushing slams and the occasional gayness of tupa tupa. The pit was wild and I just couldn’t refuse joining the whirlpool of chaos and almost breaking my cyber cig.

 Finally, the big controversial dogs, the ones everyone was calling a poser band last year and probably the dinner break of many black metal dudes. “The Black Dahlia Murder” absolutely fried everyone’s ears with the best mix of death metal and deathcore in history.

 Being a fan of them since teen years I was going wild, and so was everyone. The pit was unstoppable and it looked like a fucking Soulnado from Mortal Kombat. With Trevor, the vox, wearing an Analepsy shirt showing again this guy is basically a death metal librarian at this point, the trve kvlt dudes can suck my left durasteel-nut ‘cuz this show was the best of the whole festival, PERIOD!

 Surprisingly the dude managed to keep his shirt on the whole time.

Skullfist” were next and the last time they were around I had to do an emergency bowel evacuation, ‘cuz diarrhea hit me so hard I almost shat myself with the vibrations of the speakers.

 This time, though, I had a solid amount of poop hardening food, enough for me to enjoy the full set of these young but already Canadian legends. Talented is an understatement, actually.

Godflesh ask Partyboy, he was there after dark:

Godflesh? How was it you ask? Well, remember Mortiis last year? Basically, a long intro song that lasted the entire fucking runtime? Now imagine that intro actually went somewhere and we got some demented, sweet ass industrial music to melt our senses. Godflesh.”

 “Acid Cannibals” was a good closing point for the first day, good enough rockin’ to finish the first few beers before I could go back to the tent and rest for the next da. Suffice to say, I left the job for Partyboy to watch whatever the fuck Scuru Fitchadu is.

“Scuru Fitchadu was absolute fucking garbage, Partyboy will agree” Signed, Hugh Dick

“Can’t really tell you what it was, it was weird, I did not enjoy it, some people did.” PB

Day 2, waking up with a massive hangover and a bowl of BEANS, we set off to see “Archaic Tomb”, some of that good slow and heavy death metal of national origin. A crushing performance, a great band I somehow haven’t heard of.

Summon” followed after, and this felt like being in Icecrown Citadel: the vocals sounded like sailing the ferry of the damned, truly haunting and good fucking black metal from our lands.

The British “Vacivus” went after and it was more raw death metal, a truly crushing performance. However, I wasn’t much into it.

Namek” ask Partyboy…

“I genuinely do not remember a single thing, lots of booze. I know I saw it and I know Namek is a great grindcore band and not just a former planet.”

We missed “Barshasketh” to grab some pizza, we intended to be fast so we wouldn’t miss anything from “Demilich” but our company decided to slow us down a lil’ bit. It’s ok, not the worst problem, not mad or anything.

 “Demilich” fucking destroyed and they looked just Finnish enough; sexy northern boys destroying us with the best death metal they can offer. These veterans rocked so much you could hear our resident character go “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” from the back of the arena, a full hour of raw old school shit.

At this point. I was so far gone in substances I can’t really remember seeing “Dopelord”, but I remember it fucking rocked in my high drunk ass state, the only way I can really enjoy stoner bands.

Sobering up we had “Benediction”, British death metal legends which absolutely destroyed the crowd and perhaps provided the most epic moment for the fest, when the drummer fucked up and everyone in the band pointed it out, pointed at him and laughed as they said he fucked up. I laughed my ass off and so did everyone else.

Imperial Triumphant and Saint Vitus ask Partyboy.

“Fuck me! How drunk was I? I don’t remember Imperial Triumphant but I did catch some Vitus, never got to me in the studio but nice live performance.”

Purulent Spermcanal” the Czech goregrinders delivered a fateful performance. They tried speaking a little bit of Portuguese which was funny, but apart from “obrigado”, we couldn’t understand a fucking word of them. Don’t think they tried English either.

 It was a fun show but not powerful enough. That would come later with “Grindead” which was way faster paced and the closing point of the day for me. The Portuguese band delivered a masterful show with everything good Portuguese Death metal has to offer.

Partyboy, “Greengo”?

“Greengo?! It was fucking great! Amazing how these two dudes made such a massive name for themselves in such a short time. If you don’t know why, check their live performances, you will not regret.”

Day 3. After arguing about when I was going to wash the dishes, it was time to go back into the arena and watch “Corpsia”, young rocking dudes, followed by the Canadians “Auroch” who rocked just hard enough but not enough to get the people moving. A very lazy crowd dragged the show down to limbo but nobody can blame them for trying, I guess we are getting too old for this.

 “Martelo Negro” was next and fucking hell, are these dudes trying to fuck with the weight limits of the stage? They might’ve looked like a beer belly competition, but these papabears absolutely destroyed! The first real banger of the night and just what we needed. “Rakta” was boring as fuck.

 At this point I was divided into seeing “Wormed” or “Crowhurst”. I had been a fan of Wormed for years but Crowhurst was basically a 3-song new find on YouTube for me, so I decided to go see Wormed and Partyboy went for Crowhurst.

 “Crowhurst was special. The vocalist crawled from the wrong side of the Miami beaches with his sexy sunglasses and vomited the most intriguing grind\noise\black\ whatever it was upon a slim audience. 

It was criminal how many people were watching this show. Crowhurst did not care about the short body count though, they brought it and delivered one of the best shows of the festival. 

That “Oops…I did it again” cover was the worst Britney Spears cover of all time and that’s why it was also the best.” 

And fuck was it a mistake to go see fucking “Wormed”, sure they sound great on studio but live it’s a very confusing thing; you see yourself trying to headbang but its fucking impossible, no way to mosh to it either.

I’m still a Wormed fan, but this was a case of a band that just isn’t for people who rock out but for the technical fellas.

Holy shit, was this edition of SWR marked with some good Death Metal. Although its spread as fuck, at least it leaves me something to get hyped for once a day, at least.

 “Vomitory” crushed as expected from a Swedish death metal band of this caliber. The pit was wild and the soulnado was back at it once again, they fucking destroyed.

Craft” ask Partyboy.

“I don’t know why this keeps happening, but once again the big black metal band fails to impress anyone or cause an impact. “Craft” is great at home. Live it was boring and bland, they just stood there looking menacing and doing nothing. 

A sad let down, just like Carpathian Forest last year. Don’t be fooled though, Craft is a beast.”

I went to see the tit-, I mean “Nervosa”. When I was told this was an all-female band, I immediately expected them to be hot and flashy, you know. The Ride sounds was great though, sounded like a fucking bell and they weren’t bad with the rest either. They did ok… for women…

Then came the biggest bathroom break of the fest, “Serrabulho” However I heard there were some cute rancho girls on stage. Pity I wasn’t there to watch.

“There weren’t any bitches anywhere” Dick

 I was probably having sex or doing something else constructive.

 The fest closed for me with “Pulmonary Fibrosis”, my second (perhaps third) time watching them and, just as they had been before, they were brutal from beginning to end. Despite all this, the melancholy of having to wait another full year for this 4 day ritual was setting in.

 After waiting for someone to nut, we loaded the car and went home, not even staying for the last night as we had duties somewhere else.

 We must thank again our hosts, the Veiga Brothers, for allowing us to partner with them for yet another year, and for letting us spread our publicity through the fest without bitching about it like certain promoters do. We’ll meet again next year in the resting place of the Steel Warriors.

                                                                        …

Hugh Dick: Wow! That was some malfunction. So, when are we scrapping Killdroid for parts? It’s fucking July, the android was supposed to help us make shit faster right? SWR was months ago!

Partyboy: C’mon, it was his first time doing a report with half a brain, besides, you’re the one who handled the programming.

HD: Just quit your gay job and write it yourself.

PB: And who’s gonna fund this whole ship? You with your dirty cum sock full of 2 cent coins. That’s right, I know about the sock.

HD: You leave my cum sock out of this. She is precious.

PB: Your cum sock couldn’t afford one local band.

HD: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

PB: Thank you guys for waiting so long for this report to come out. I know DOD has a lot of shit stacked on the “to do list”…

HD: Top 10 best of 2018 in august 2019, that’s gonna be hilarious.

PB: …But, we’re focusing on making parties for YOU! Soon our next fiesta will be unveiled and it will have a little taste of SWR’s past. Stay tuned and don’t be too harsh on Killdroid, the guy doing his maintenance is a total Dick.

PHOTOS:

 

Yeah, this is about 30% of the photos we have, wordpress couldn’t handle how many there were. We’ll be releasing them on instagram gradually.

 

Text by Killdroid

Commentary by Partyboy and Hugh Dick

Photos by Diogo A.

Good size PB

Drunk on Drugs Metal Fiesta

Good size dick 

Yes…I know what you’re thinking. A report of our own show will probably be biased as fuck, but there’s something you are forgetting.

Hugh Dick: I’ll make sure they don’t forget a thing. Hey fags, remember me?

Partyboy: That’s right! Just like our CVLTO report, Hugh Dick will be weighing in with his opinion throughout the report and he will not hesitate to tell me when I’m jerking my meat too often and too hyperbolic.

HD: Starting with this: where the fuck were you all night? Every time I went on stage to introduce the shitty bands you booked. I looked casually at the bar and BOOM, no Partyboy.

PB: Yeah, well…

HD: Now that I think of it, my mom wasn’t there either, she told me she’d watch me on stage. What the fvck?

PB: LET’S START WITH THE BANDS SHALL WE?

HD: What about the part where Jarda’s bass boy got hungry because everyone ate the vegetarian pizza…

PB: I looked away for 5 seconds and…

HD: The meat pizza had pineapple in it…

PB: That was my bad…. Fellas! When you book a show, remember that whatever you’re feeding the bands, don’t put fucking pineapple on pizza. It might not be for you but the bands are human beings, they deserve better…

HD: You fucking twit. I hope you give up this retarded idea of making another party, I won’t be as nice to the bands next time either.

PB: NEVER!!! Look at this money we made.

HD:…

PB: Well?

HD: How much cocaine and hookers is that?

PB: That depends on the quality, either one each or 500.

HD: Let’s make another one. Can we get a female fronted band? Female drummer, I don’t care. Book a band with tits.

PB: Enough of this buffoonery Dick, time to talk about DRUNK ON DRUGS METAL FIESTA!!!

La Legendaria Metal Fiesta happened on May 18th, at the one and only Metalpoint. Every single band on the bill was fucking awesome, high quality music, top shelf showmanship and an acute sense of humour.

HD: That’s a fucking lie, I couldn’t stand any of them for more than a minute.

PB: Opening our mega fiesta was the demented lovechild of the force behind Outeiro Metal Fest. The incomparable “Ruina”.

HD: Oh yeah, the guy drinking piss warm beer from a gourd. Who the hell drinks warm beer?

PB: Your mo… uh I mean, VEGANS! Yes, vegans.

HD: I hate vegans.

PB: Of course you do. After Dick here went up on stage to scare the shit out of the audience with promises of existentialist suicide, “Ruina” slowly crawled on stage and began raping everyone’s sanity with their demented black metal.

Their music rises slowly until it explodes in a cacophony of the void, the terrifying vocalist howling like a beast boss straight out of Bloodborne.

HD: I’m surprised our little stunt worked.

PB: That’s right! Me and Dick here divided Metalpoint in half, you might have seen pictures of this around but here it is…

Ambiente 19.jpg

PB: …AND IT FUCKING WORKED!!! IT FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WORKED!

HD: It worked because metalheads are a bunch of easily influential bitches.

PB: Never in all our years have we seen an opening band with so many people glued to the literal front of the stage, folks were cramming themselves in front of that line as if a cliff lay behind them.

HD: The cliff of shame.

PB: “Ruina” opened our Fiesta with glorious carnage and the booze started kicking in.

HD: Those fucking gummy bears! I can’t believe so many people just abandoned them, damned weaklings.

PB: They were pretty hard-hitting.

HD: Don’t you dare tone down the alcohol of that magical bowl, I will literally throw it at your next headliner. Do not listen to those faggots! If anything, the gummy bears need absinthe for colouring.

PB: Well, nobody died…that we know of…

HD: Smooth, boss.

PB: Anyway, after “Ruina” positively scarred everyone for life with their howling mad black metal improv, it was time to turn the speed dial to 11 and break off the knob.

Jarda”, the thrash boys that you either want or don’t. But judging by what happened that night, everyone wants some Jarda inside them, as deep as it can go. Moshing was rampant, people flew and…

HD: Those demanding cunts! Why did I have to put down MY BEER and bring those sucking fuckboys a shot? I spilled bagaço all over myself, my shirt was smelling like vinegar the whole night.

PB: Didn’t you hear them? They wouldn’t play the next song without shots.

HD: We never discussed these terms! Fuck those guys, in their tight little assholes. I’m glad the bass player didn’t get any pizza.

PB: Don’t be like that, their show was next level intense shit. If anything, they deserve more shots.

HD: The only person who needs more shots is me. I hope those guys change their name.

PB: They won’t because Jarda are true to their name and everyone who went to our Metal Fiesta will remember this forever.

After Jarda’s wild show…

HD: These guys AGAIN??? Haven’t you seen them a million times? For fucks sake.

PB: Correct Dick, we’ve reported “Burney Reliefmany several times, we even saw Adelaide Ferreira (some local big shot pop star from the 80s) opening for them and Mr. Mojo. We’ve seen them in different lands, in different weathers, in different venues, including this one…

HD: And they still suck in every context they play.

PB: Very wrong my friend! Burney Relief are better than ever and they easily pulled off the best fucking show of their young careers, I cried a little.

HD: You’re gay as shit, you know?

PB: There where stoner grooves, doom riffs to break your neck, raging blast beats that sent everyone flying… Ah, what a sight. It’s not normal to see this big a wave of headbanging, Burney have truly outdone themselves, they even sold three CD’s.

HD: Did ya read that Cvl…

PB: Shut your dumb face Dick. This is a time for celebration.

HD: Is that why the Kool & the Gang song was on your gay playlist?

PB: Your mom was on the playlist. How ironic was it that one of the best bands of the night had no vocals? Just cheer musical harmony channeled into furious groove. Burney Relief are maturing within their own brand of music, truly majestic.

HD: How ‘bout that headliner huh? I insult them by comparing them to shitty bands and they laugh?

PB: That’s because they don’t take you or themselves seriously, a great lesson that many should learn. That’s why I’m able to work with a bitch like yourself.

HD: Pff, fags.

PB: Unfortunately, the night was long and completely filled with homemade liqueurs and the best beers…

HD: And we all know what this does to posers…they get sleepy or pukey…or both!

PB: “Dallian” gave us the honour of being the first organization to host their sexy vampire looking asses in our beautiful city.

HD: Their girlfriends arrived on a fucking private bus, impressive my friends. Especially when you dress like two centuries ago.

PB: Are you jelly?

HD:…                                                                                                   …maybe…

PB: We’ll get you a BJ at the next fiesta, sounds fair?

HD: Don’t promise what you can’t keep. I have access to your water supply.

PB: Oooook…So Dallian was fucking great! The winners of that gay contest to go to that even gayer festival are much more worthy than the festival in question. But publicity is publicity and Dallian man the stage like angry pirates in a stormy sea, raiding your boat to bang your sisters and cousins.

This was the show that separated the strong from the weak.

HD: You mean because it was empty? I keep telling you, melo-death and symphonic shit are not good…eeeever. But noooo, you had to book a fucking melo-death band.

PB: You would prefer Lyzzard?

HD: At least Lyzzard have a big tiddie bass player instead of no bass player!

PB Moving on, since we spent all night providing the good people at Metalpoint with delicious and powerful shots, as well as gummy bears morbidly obese with alcohol, many were completely fucking wasted by this point of the night.

Dallian’s show was still a massive display of musicianship, but compared to previous bands, it had a smaller audience…

HD: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

PB: Quit it, you cunt, they could have kicked your ass you know? Calling them Septic Fleshgod Apocalypse…

HD: Yeah, but they didn’t. I’m sure they are more interested in you paying them than getting their dicks sucked on stage.

PB: Doesn’t matter, they came, they gave us a great show, they have a good sense of humour; all around great guys to work with, so to any other organizations out there who wanna book a kickass band, remember Dallian.

HD: Yeah, fuck the other bands. They were terrible.

PB: The other bands were absolutely lit. Drunk on Drugs Metal Fiesta was a massive success so expect our next party to be even better. No boring opening acts, no filler, just pure action and satisfaction.

HD: Please don’t book any more melo-death. I won’t be that nice a second time.

PB: Our signature drinks will also be making a cumback, so if you fell madly in love with our sparkling “Dragon Piss”, or the nefarious “Grave Dirt”, don’t miss our next DOD event!

HD: How about that mess you passed as “shots”.

PB: Those were limited edition, although you can probably make the Jarda shot at home. However, Burney’s highly sought after “What the fuck am I drinking shot” is over now. Next time we’ll have even weirder shots, different but equally awesome bands and of course…

HD: …We’ll separate the trve from the phonies as well we should.

BIG THANKS TO THESE BASTARDS…

PB: Now is the time to thank a bunch of people for the success of this Metal Fiesta.

HD: Do we really have to?

PB: Yes, so shut your cum-guzzling mouth and let me go on.

First of all, we must thank Loudness magazine. Without their support, Drunk on Drugs would never even exist.

HD: You mean the guys who only speak in “tuga” and don’t let you tell people how gay Heavenwood is?

PB: No! I mean the guys who accepted my Sinistro review when WAV were being a bunch of fartbags.

HD: Can’t argue with that…

PB: Second, we must thank Ruina, in particular their vocalist Dantas Inferno. He made an excellent job with the Fiesta poster and an excellenter job at saving our last Magazine cover. Oh, and he’s awesome.

HD: Did I tell you I hate vegans yet?

PB: Next we thank Hugo from Metalpoint for being the best guy with the best space. Many things could have gone wrong with an event like this…not in the hands of Hugo, not at Metalpoint. This house is fast becoming the only beacon of hope for extreme music in this city. Its legend will never die.

You can’t see it now but my hand is covering Dick’s mouth, he’s just mumbling some bullshit.

Next on the list, we have to thank Jisus. Not that Jisus, the guy from Sotz, who did a great job at preventing a riot at the entrance when there was a shortage of change. He also pointed us in the direction of the pizza place that fed all the bands.

HD: People are going to skip all this shit looking for their names and ignore everything else. You know that, right?

PB: We thank Luísa and Carlos for being there; no Metal Fiesta is complete without Luisa and Carlos.

HD: Who?

PB: We thank Mustas for spreading beer like herpes through the people. I still feel bad he didn’t get a shot of gummy bears, he most certainly deserved at least five.

HD: Oh, the gummy bears… don’t you wanna thank diabetes too?

PB: We thank MAGMA of course! In Particularly Mateus, our magazine would make no fucking sense without his expertise and he manned that merch booth like a furious businessman. Also, Teresa who’s responsible for most of our comics and 99% of magazine covers. Check her artwork in general, you won’t ever regret that you did.

HD: Can’t unlike, there’s boobs in the shirts.

PB: We thank Bunker Store for being the best place to drink in the afternoon, for selling our magazines, Cd’s and for excellent customer service. Yes, they provide excellent service. Manuel, your bald head shines as bright as your soul.

HD: That was really gay man…I’m not even kidding.

PB: We thank Rita Limede, the hidden force behind XXXapada na Tromba and one of the best photographers in the country, for taking extremely sexy pictures of our party.

Big thanks to Metal Mad zine for featuring some of our shit.

HD: You mean ripping off?

PB: A big thank you to all the bands for throwing such fine ass shows. Dallian, Burney Relief, Jarda and Ruina, remember these names for they represent quality! The highest quality of Portuguese music today!

HD: You know, this is exactly the kind of behavior I speak against in the magazine and you’r…

PB: A Big thank you to Hugh Dick for introducing the bands so nicely and being an exclusive feature that no organization has employed so far.

HD: You…you mean that?

PB: Cheers to our friends from Woodrock Fest for teaching us much in the ways of not giving a fuck, not giving up what you love and having a cool sound effect to tell the audience the music is about to start.

HD: Had to ruin it, didn’t ya?

PB: Cheers to Cave 45 (rip), or should I say Rodas and Óscar! We wouldn’t have gotten this far without you. Óscar even put up a poster for our Fiesta at his current bar “Barracuda” even though there was another event at his bar that night.

HD: DID YA READ THAT, MAUS HÁBITOS???

PB: Cheers to SWR and the Veigas for inspiring us every year in every way. You host the best festival in the country and we will fight anyone who claims otherwise.

HD: If you think otherwise you won’t be missed.

PB: Cheers to our favourite chonky boy Sergio Páscoa for nurturing the disgusting flower of death/grind that is XXXAPADA NA TROMBA!!!

HD: Need better sluts at the next edition though.

PB: Thanks to Larvae Records and W.M.D. for all their hard work at keeping extreme metal flowing through this city at a time of rampant, voracious tourism.

HD: I completely forgot about those guys.

PB: A special ARIGATO to Inês for being the greatest and taking awesome pictures of our Fiesta just because she likes it. Also for being my partner at the start of this business.

HD: What? You knew girls before you met me?

PB: Big thank you to our text editor PACO who is always busy but does a superb job when he can throw us a bone.

HD: He’s talkin’ about the guy with the crusty hat.

PB: A massive double armed, triple paycheck thank you to our bro Flama Jiberish for being DOD’s main spiritual advisor and replacement bartender while I was banging Mrs. D…I mean when I had to go find change for the line at the door. Why did I even say replacement? Few worked as hard on that night and our good bro was one of them! We would be nothing without him.

HD: Can’t hate on a guy who gives me drinks.

PB: AND FINALLY!!!

HD: You teasing bastard, they must be stabbing themselves with the suspense.

PB: A huge thank you to our drinking buddies from CVLTO! They probably think we don’t like ‘em since our last report was not particularly flattering…to Maus Hábitos at least.

HD: Yeah. you retarded elitists, stop chaining these talented bitches with your head up the ass attitude.

PB: We love you CVLTO, you bring us the synthwaves, you calm Dick down with titie festivals, and you believe in our work.

HD: Yeah, sure they do.

PB: We’ll do great things together yet. Thank you for coming to our fiesta, Dick was sure you would skip it.

HD: I’m telling you, that wasn’t Cvlto, it was clones.

PB: Thanks to all the random people who paid to enjoy this fiesta, we hope it was worth the 3,99 because we don’t have a refund policy or a customer support center.

HD: Yeah, so stop emailing me pictures of your balls.

PB: Stay drunk my friends, remember to support DOD if you loved our party as much as Dick hated it.

HD: I do this for the booze and I’m severely underpaid.

PB: Until next time fellow music lovers, maybe we’ll bring some synthwave to Porto as well…definitely some grindcore though.

PHOTOS:

 

Official Photos by Rita Limede

Dick pics by Demon Editor Zita (CVLTO)

Complementary photos by Inês Silva (Jinger)

Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick

Good size PB

Filha da C*LTO Sequel – Neoslave

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Fellas! Time to have a talk about synthwave’s second big ass event in the sexy City of Porto, this report will be different because…

Hugh Dick: Because you’re favourite Uncle is here too.

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Partyboy: Yes, since getting this retard to write anything has gotten very difficult after his experience at EROS

HD: I left you some colouring books in the trunk.

PB: IT WAS DARK YOU ASS!

HD: And don’t you have a phone?

PB: Alright, it’s too soon to get off the rails, so let’s talk about this awesome party.

HD: Awesome? You were there right? At the same party I was in?

PB: Yes, at Maus Hábitos, the other day.

HD: Ugh…let’s get it over with. You start.

PB: In case you failed to remember, Maus Hábitos had a boner inducing Synth show on Christmas with the one and only Lazerpunk.

HD: And then he fell in love with us.

PB: What? Be quiet, we have a lot of shit to cover.

HD: There’s no need to cover him in shit because…

PB: No one is talking about that! Why don’t you go get that bottle of leftover vodka from the basement?

HD: Why don’t I indeed???

PB: … Alright. Dick is gone and I can start this report without his insufferable buffoonery.

For the duration of this report, we will also be mentioning another of our recent partners who helped us greatly in this quest and suffered the same fate as us…

Yes! We had the opportunity to present the public with our awesome MAGAZINES next to Magma Wear’s sexy t-shirt designs and character stickers.

Together, we would man the merch booth which, to anyone who has been to this kind of events, is something absolutely essential. Bands and artists usually make their living off selling t shirts and all kinds of merch they can bring on tour.

It’s not the money you pay them or selling CD’s on the internet, that doesn’t pay the bills, fan love pays the bills.

So our day at Maus Hábitos began with picking up our partners from Magma, getting all our stuff for the merch booth in place, packing it carefully in the car, carrying all that shit up to Maus Hábitos and waiting on our asses for the organization (fuck, can’t remember the name but I also can’t seem to find it online) to finish sound checking.

While we had a smoke break, I remembered I had forgotten something important and had to race to get it and be back in time.

CVLTO! That’s right, that’s the name of the organization, they just texted me the name.

When I got back in time, the horror was revealed. I have no idea who thought this was a good plan.

Apparently, there were a few weird art projects in place that had nothing to do with anything but were occupying a shitload of valuable elbow space. Particularly the one between toilets.

HD: Oh! I remember that room, the really bright white one with only two people?

PB: Yeah, that one. Gimme some of that vodka and cover for me, this part is right for you.

*big gulp of pure vodka*

HD: Alright! So Maus Hábitos included this massive waste of space which was completely empty every time I passed by it on the way to the bathroom. You could see the sadness in their eyes, but at least they had each other, right? Right?

Next time, maybe expose your arty content in a place not filled with drunken retards like myself, as you can see nobody cares.

…AND SPEAKING OF NOBODY CARES!!!

PB: Goddamnit, two pages and we haven’t gotten to the bands yet…

HD: For some unknown reason, there were two guys who, allegedly, are supposed to be masters of the “art” of tattooing people. They would be at the event doing what they do BUT LIVE…alright! Nothing wrong with that yes?

PB: NO!!!

HD: Hey! I’m getting to that, drink your vodka.

PB: You drink this shit you fucking asshole! I’m angry for a change and I wanna talk!

HD: Whooooaaaa! Mr. Herculean Testicles over here. Go on, you’re the boss.

“The following part of the report has been censored heavily by request of a third party, so we apologize to anyone who has a sense of humour and ask you to understand that a lot of people haven’t found theirs yet. The originals shall remain locked in the basement”

HD: Long story short, Johnny Corvo is a complete idiot with no regard for his craft or his customers. Can we wail on the bands now?

PB: We still have to mention the incident…

HD: Oh right! I can do that in 5 seconds. The owner from Maus Hábitos lost his shit because we put up a poster from our Metal Fiesta next to the merch booth, next to the giant sign of our logo that bothered no one and…

PB: …and we left it there, didn’t we?

HD: Yeah…Anyway, the guy from Maus Hábitos was yelled at by his tiny testicles and forced to take the poster down. Why you ask?

PB: They don’t want posters in there from shows that aren’t at Maus Hábitos.

HD: What a bag of dicks. They even make me sound like a little girl selling cookies to old people.

PB: Yes, Maus Hábitos only supports itself, which begs the question, why should we support them?

HD: I like where this is going.

PB: There will be more issues with the venue, but let’s get to the bands and that will come up eventually at the best possible time.

HD: FINALLY!!! “Pledge” was totally gay right?

PB: No, Pledge was a great beginning for this sequel. A powerful sludge band that made great use of their space and pumped the audience nicely. The vocalist looked genuinely pissed off at people, what a train!

HD: Not more than me?

PB: Tons more. After that was “Manferior”, which is a band name that reminds me a lot of you, Dick.

HD: I have to admit, it’s sort of catchy. But I’ve heard shitcore bands like these a million times.

PB: They actually identify as a shitcore band on Facebook.

HD: Really? That’s honest of them.

PB: “Manferior” opened the pit properly and violence infected the audience like chlamydia at a cheap whore house.

HD: Eh, trust me, that gets around much faster than a mosh pit.

PB: Unfortunately, nobody headbutted a ceiling fan this time, but Manferior displayed their thick iron claws and they were pretty big. A band of Badasses that kept snowballing the party to explosive eights.

HD: And that’s the bands! Just two shit bands, thank you for reading this fetid garbage and we’ll see you next ti-…

PB: Dude, no. There’s DJ sets.

HD: What? Nobody stays for that!

PB: The headliner was a DJ man.

HD: No way, seriously? No wonder the party sucked.

PB: After “Manferior”, synth casuals were tricked into thinking “Neoslave” was playing. YOU FOOLS! That was Perturbator’s Future Club. That is the synth equivalent of mistaking Cannibal Corpse for Megadeth you plebs.

HD: You know too much about this shit.

PB: “Crook Nadramia” was the first DJ set of the night and it was way better than the previous first DJ. Loved the shift in tone here. Where Penta.Grama where more goth and dramatic, C.N. where more blyat and hardbass with synths included.

HD: …and?

PB: Sadly, “Crook Nadramia” followed in the footsteps of Penta.Grama by having really bad song transitions. I love Carpenter Brut’s Turbo Killer but you dropped it so suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of another song that it was just confusing.

Great soundtrack though, quite bouncy.

However, the transition from them to “Neoslave” was smooth and clear. Darkness descended, red covered the walls and Satan was about to synth our asses back to hell.

Neoslave” exploded and the audience went mad! Dancing was rampant and wild, tits and asses shaking in all directions.

HD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAND THEN?

PB: Damnit…

HD: You knew it was coming.

PB: I did.

HD: But you didn’t want to believe it.

PB: I didn’t.

HD: But what else can you do? You have to report. That’s the job.

PB: Damn…

Right in the middle of “Neoslave’s” amazing, boner inducing show…

HD: Calm down with the boners.

PB: NO!!! FUCK DAMNIT!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! During “Neoslave”, one of our partners from Magma found me in the frontline and told me the good news… IT WAS TIME TO CLOSE UP SHOP!!!

PB: Basically, what he told me was, we have to pack up everything, leave and we can’t leave shit in the closet…and we have to do it RIGHT NOW!

HD: In the middle of the fucking headliner! HAHAHAH! This shit is hilarious!

PB: Once again, this order came from Maus Hábitos. However, this issue would have been easily avoided if THERE WEREN’T TWO RETARDS DOING TATTOOS IN A CROWD OF DRUNKS AND JUNKIES!!!

HD: “Waaaah, I wanna be near the people!” You fucking baby, why don’t you tattoo people in the middle of the street? During a thunderstorm, on rush hour, while driving a bicycle and juggling chainsaws.

PB: So, while doing our job of REPORTING, we had to leave and make sure that all the stuff from the merch booth was looked after, amidst a horde of drunken junkies.

HD: Classless drunken junkies, unlike ourselves.

PB: Do you see? Do you understand that this ENTIRE part of the report would not exist if you had used your space properly, defined your priorities, and what is relevant to a music event? THAT’S WHY WE’RE RAMBLING HERE! Your bad planning caused us to abandon the show! We wanted to make a good report! We wanted to WATCH EVERY SECOND OF NEOSLAVE! That was in our fucking job description!

But because this Johnny Corvo got the highest fucking spotlight in the history of whatever this is, we couldn’t fully report the headliner! This headliner sold one t-shirt. And how do we know this? HE TOLD US!!! And we were there when the guy brought them. If it wasn’t for DOD and Neoslave teaming up, he would have sold zero shirts.

Magma sold one T-shirt to our good buddy Carlos. We don’t know how much the other bands sold.

Neoslave, Pledge, Manferior, Magma and Drunk on Drugs, all the merch from these entities stuffed in a table that wouldn’t fit two people on a romantic dinner.

There was a feeling of discarded irrelevance, not to DOD…

HD: We wouldn’t give two shits if they smelled like cinnamon.

PB: The artists you booked, your other partners felt shunned, boxed up and abandoned in favour of what?

HD: But tattoos are cool boss! Look at this dolphin I have on my left ball, do you think someone will let me tattoo the right ball at Maus Hábitos?

PB: Anyway, we managed to catch the end of “Neoslave’s” show. He did a squat on the mixing table while still mixing; it was the most Slav thing ever at Maus Habitos, they don’t deserve the honour of hosting such a fine artist as this Belgian Slav mothercuker from hell’s bad neighbourhood.

HD: We’re not going to report the other techno trance crap that closed the show, it was pretty bland and unimpressive.

PB: Well I…

HD: You know it was boring.

PB: It was kinda boring I suppose, but that’s what happens when you play after Neoslave.

HD: Pretty sure they would have sucked all day and all night, like your mom.

PB: While the last DJ’s were playing, we caught up with some of our replacements who were now in charge of the leftover merch booth, now wholly dedicated to band merch.

HD: Their faces were priceless!

PB: Yes, we could see in their expressions that they felt our pain, they knew the closet was not a good place for the merch, it deserved better.

HD: Speaking of FUNNY FACES!

PB: Every single time we went to the bar we got served by different people. Every time we asked for a beer, we asked the price…

HD: …And every one of them flinched when they answered.

PB: That’s right, their faces immediately betrayed them, saying “I’m so sorry bro, I know 2,50 is a massive rip off for one beer but I just work here man” right to our faces.

HD: A split second but unmistakable.

PB: So, what did we learn from another night at Maus Hábitos?

HD: That Maus Hábitos is a shithole with shit management, and an elitist sense of, well, elite?

PB: We already knew that.

HD: Right…

PB: We learned that there is a lot of relevant stuff you have to check, ponder, analyze and decide if you want your Fiesta to be successful. Despite our rantings here, it was a successful party.

HD: Nobody likes sequels, though.

PB: Considering certain things that happened, this could have gone much worse and most of the issues everyone had during the event are easily traced back to…

HD: SHIT MANAGEMENT, Maus Hábitos!

PB: Yeah, the venue is not the best and as much freedom as they claim to shower upon their slaves, they continue being assholes with retarded rules.

HD: And never forget, Neoslave is better on YouTube, better than the real thing.

PB: Fuck off, I missed that song because of the shit management.

HD: Wrap this up already so I can wrap something else up.

PB: Don’t be harsh on the organization, they are doing great things even if TOO MANY at the same time. It’s only natural that some of them will slip out slightly raw.

HD: Like your shitty YouTube videos.

PB: You made the last video.

HD: Working with YOUR footage.

PB: Bottom Line, no one else is bringin’ Synthwave to this fucking city, so what choice is there? It is what it is, but someone has to break the monopoly.

HD: Perfect! That’s a wrap. I’m leaving, you can keep this up if you want, I have shit to do and meat to beat.

PB: Thank you for reading our Siamese report, we’ll see you next time, probably at our own Metal Fiesta, there will be alcohol for everyone. EVERYONE! There will be no expired burgers of any kind (this joke doesn’t work now because of censorship, but YEY! Freedom @ Maus Hábitos). Bring your retarded friends, it will be wheelchair accessible.

We won’t have a ramp, but our new Security cyborg, Killdroid, can carry your ass up the stairs and put you on stage.

See you on the 18th!!!

 

 

Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick

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