Drunk on Drugs Metal Fiesta

Good size dick 

Yes…I know what you’re thinking. A report of our own show will probably be biased as fuck, but there’s something you are forgetting.

Hugh Dick: I’ll make sure they don’t forget a thing. Hey fags, remember me?

Partyboy: That’s right! Just like our CVLTO report, Hugh Dick will be weighing in with his opinion throughout the report and he will not hesitate to tell me when I’m jerking my meat too often and too hyperbolic.

HD: Starting with this: where the fuck were you all night? Every time I went on stage to introduce the shitty bands you booked. I looked casually at the bar and BOOM, no Partyboy.

PB: Yeah, well…

HD: Now that I think of it, my mom wasn’t there either, she told me she’d watch me on stage. What the fvck?

PB: LET’S START WITH THE BANDS SHALL WE?

HD: What about the part where Jarda’s bass boy got hungry because everyone ate the vegetarian pizza…

PB: I looked away for 5 seconds and…

HD: The meat pizza had pineapple in it…

PB: That was my bad…. Fellas! When you book a show, remember that whatever you’re feeding the bands, don’t put fucking pineapple on pizza. It might not be for you but the bands are human beings, they deserve better…

HD: You fucking twit. I hope you give up this retarded idea of making another party, I won’t be as nice to the bands next time either.

PB: NEVER!!! Look at this money we made.

HD:…

PB: Well?

HD: How much cocaine and hookers is that?

PB: That depends on the quality, either one each or 500.

HD: Let’s make another one. Can we get a female fronted band? Female drummer, I don’t care. Book a band with tits.

PB: Enough of this buffoonery Dick, time to talk about DRUNK ON DRUGS METAL FIESTA!!!

La Legendaria Metal Fiesta happened on May 18th, at the one and only Metalpoint. Every single band on the bill was fucking awesome, high quality music, top shelf showmanship and an acute sense of humour.

HD: That’s a fucking lie, I couldn’t stand any of them for more than a minute.

PB: Opening our mega fiesta was the demented lovechild of the force behind Outeiro Metal Fest. The incomparable “Ruina”.

HD: Oh yeah, the guy drinking piss warm beer from a gourd. Who the hell drinks warm beer?

PB: Your mo… uh I mean, VEGANS! Yes, vegans.

HD: I hate vegans.

PB: Of course you do. After Dick here went up on stage to scare the shit out of the audience with promises of existentialist suicide, “Ruina” slowly crawled on stage and began raping everyone’s sanity with their demented black metal.

Their music rises slowly until it explodes in a cacophony of the void, the terrifying vocalist howling like a beast boss straight out of Bloodborne.

HD: I’m surprised our little stunt worked.

PB: That’s right! Me and Dick here divided Metalpoint in half, you might have seen pictures of this around but here it is…

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PB: …AND IT FUCKING WORKED!!! IT FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WORKED!

HD: It worked because metalheads are a bunch of easily influential bitches.

PB: Never in all our years have we seen an opening band with so many people glued to the literal front of the stage, folks were cramming themselves in front of that line as if a cliff lay behind them.

HD: The cliff of shame.

PB: “Ruina” opened our Fiesta with glorious carnage and the booze started kicking in.

HD: Those fucking gummy bears! I can’t believe so many people just abandoned them, damned weaklings.

PB: They were pretty hard-hitting.

HD: Don’t you dare tone down the alcohol of that magical bowl, I will literally throw it at your next headliner. Do not listen to those faggots! If anything, the gummy bears need absinthe for colouring.

PB: Well, nobody died…that we know of…

HD: Smooth, boss.

PB: Anyway, after “Ruina” positively scarred everyone for life with their howling mad black metal improv, it was time to turn the speed dial to 11 and break off the knob.

Jarda”, the thrash boys that you either want or don’t. But judging by what happened that night, everyone wants some Jarda inside them, as deep as it can go. Moshing was rampant, people flew and…

HD: Those demanding cunts! Why did I have to put down MY BEER and bring those sucking fuckboys a shot? I spilled bagaço all over myself, my shirt was smelling like vinegar the whole night.

PB: Didn’t you hear them? They wouldn’t play the next song without shots.

HD: We never discussed these terms! Fuck those guys, in their tight little assholes. I’m glad the bass player didn’t get any pizza.

PB: Don’t be like that, their show was next level intense shit. If anything, they deserve more shots.

HD: The only person who needs more shots is me. I hope those guys change their name.

PB: They won’t because Jarda are true to their name and everyone who went to our Metal Fiesta will remember this forever.

After Jarda’s wild show…

HD: These guys AGAIN??? Haven’t you seen them a million times? For fucks sake.

PB: Correct Dick, we’ve reported “Burney Reliefmany several times, we even saw Adelaide Ferreira (some local big shot pop star from the 80s) opening for them and Mr. Mojo. We’ve seen them in different lands, in different weathers, in different venues, including this one…

HD: And they still suck in every context they play.

PB: Very wrong my friend! Burney Relief are better than ever and they easily pulled off the best fucking show of their young careers, I cried a little.

HD: You’re gay as shit, you know?

PB: There where stoner grooves, doom riffs to break your neck, raging blast beats that sent everyone flying… Ah, what a sight. It’s not normal to see this big a wave of headbanging, Burney have truly outdone themselves, they even sold three CD’s.

HD: Did ya read that Cvl…

PB: Shut your dumb face Dick. This is a time for celebration.

HD: Is that why the Kool & the Gang song was on your gay playlist?

PB: Your mom was on the playlist. How ironic was it that one of the best bands of the night had no vocals? Just cheer musical harmony channeled into furious groove. Burney Relief are maturing within their own brand of music, truly majestic.

HD: How ‘bout that headliner huh? I insult them by comparing them to shitty bands and they laugh?

PB: That’s because they don’t take you or themselves seriously, a great lesson that many should learn. That’s why I’m able to work with a bitch like yourself.

HD: Pff, fags.

PB: Unfortunately, the night was long and completely filled with homemade liqueurs and the best beers…

HD: And we all know what this does to posers…they get sleepy or pukey…or both!

PB: “Dallian” gave us the honour of being the first organization to host their sexy vampire looking asses in our beautiful city.

HD: Their girlfriends arrived on a fucking private bus, impressive my friends. Especially when you dress like two centuries ago.

PB: Are you jelly?

HD:…                                                                                                   …maybe…

PB: We’ll get you a BJ at the next fiesta, sounds fair?

HD: Don’t promise what you can’t keep. I have access to your water supply.

PB: Oooook…So Dallian was fucking great! The winners of that gay contest to go to that even gayer festival are much more worthy than the festival in question. But publicity is publicity and Dallian man the stage like angry pirates in a stormy sea, raiding your boat to bang your sisters and cousins.

This was the show that separated the strong from the weak.

HD: You mean because it was empty? I keep telling you, melo-death and symphonic shit are not good…eeeever. But noooo, you had to book a fucking melo-death band.

PB: You would prefer Lyzzard?

HD: At least Lyzzard have a big tiddie bass player instead of no bass player!

PB Moving on, since we spent all night providing the good people at Metalpoint with delicious and powerful shots, as well as gummy bears morbidly obese with alcohol, many were completely fucking wasted by this point of the night.

Dallian’s show was still a massive display of musicianship, but compared to previous bands, it had a smaller audience…

HD: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

PB: Quit it, you cunt, they could have kicked your ass you know? Calling them Septic Fleshgod Apocalypse…

HD: Yeah, but they didn’t. I’m sure they are more interested in you paying them than getting their dicks sucked on stage.

PB: Doesn’t matter, they came, they gave us a great show, they have a good sense of humour; all around great guys to work with, so to any other organizations out there who wanna book a kickass band, remember Dallian.

HD: Yeah, fuck the other bands. They were terrible.

PB: The other bands were absolutely lit. Drunk on Drugs Metal Fiesta was a massive success so expect our next party to be even better. No boring opening acts, no filler, just pure action and satisfaction.

HD: Please don’t book any more melo-death. I won’t be that nice a second time.

PB: Our signature drinks will also be making a cumback, so if you fell madly in love with our sparkling “Dragon Piss”, or the nefarious “Grave Dirt”, don’t miss our next DOD event!

HD: How about that mess you passed as “shots”.

PB: Those were limited edition, although you can probably make the Jarda shot at home. However, Burney’s highly sought after “What the fuck am I drinking shot” is over now. Next time we’ll have even weirder shots, different but equally awesome bands and of course…

HD: …We’ll separate the trve from the phonies as well we should.

BIG THANKS TO THESE BASTARDS…

PB: Now is the time to thank a bunch of people for the success of this Metal Fiesta.

HD: Do we really have to?

PB: Yes, so shut your cum-guzzling mouth and let me go on.

First of all, we must thank Loudness magazine. Without their support, Drunk on Drugs would never even exist.

HD: You mean the guys who only speak in “tuga” and don’t let you tell people how gay Heavenwood is?

PB: No! I mean the guys who accepted my Sinistro review when WAV were being a bunch of fartbags.

HD: Can’t argue with that…

PB: Second, we must thank Ruina, in particular their vocalist Dantas Inferno. He made an excellent job with the Fiesta poster and an excellenter job at saving our last Magazine cover. Oh, and he’s awesome.

HD: Did I tell you I hate vegans yet?

PB: Next we thank Hugo from Metalpoint for being the best guy with the best space. Many things could have gone wrong with an event like this…not in the hands of Hugo, not at Metalpoint. This house is fast becoming the only beacon of hope for extreme music in this city. Its legend will never die.

You can’t see it now but my hand is covering Dick’s mouth, he’s just mumbling some bullshit.

Next on the list, we have to thank Jisus. Not that Jisus, the guy from Sotz, who did a great job at preventing a riot at the entrance when there was a shortage of change. He also pointed us in the direction of the pizza place that fed all the bands.

HD: People are going to skip all this shit looking for their names and ignore everything else. You know that, right?

PB: We thank Luísa and Carlos for being there; no Metal Fiesta is complete without Luisa and Carlos.

HD: Who?

PB: We thank Mustas for spreading beer like herpes through the people. I still feel bad he didn’t get a shot of gummy bears, he most certainly deserved at least five.

HD: Oh, the gummy bears… don’t you wanna thank diabetes too?

PB: We thank MAGMA of course! In Particularly Mateus, our magazine would make no fucking sense without his expertise and he manned that merch booth like a furious businessman. Also, Teresa who’s responsible for most of our comics and 99% of magazine covers. Check her artwork in general, you won’t ever regret that you did.

HD: Can’t unlike, there’s boobs in the shirts.

PB: We thank Bunker Store for being the best place to drink in the afternoon, for selling our magazines, Cd’s and for excellent customer service. Yes, they provide excellent service. Manuel, your bald head shines as bright as your soul.

HD: That was really gay man…I’m not even kidding.

PB: We thank Rita Limede, the hidden force behind XXXapada na Tromba and one of the best photographers in the country, for taking extremely sexy pictures of our party.

Big thanks to Metal Mad zine for featuring some of our shit.

HD: You mean ripping off?

PB: A big thank you to all the bands for throwing such fine ass shows. Dallian, Burney Relief, Jarda and Ruina, remember these names for they represent quality! The highest quality of Portuguese music today!

HD: You know, this is exactly the kind of behavior I speak against in the magazine and you’r…

PB: A Big thank you to Hugh Dick for introducing the bands so nicely and being an exclusive feature that no organization has employed so far.

HD: You…you mean that?

PB: Cheers to our friends from Woodrock Fest for teaching us much in the ways of not giving a fuck, not giving up what you love and having a cool sound effect to tell the audience the music is about to start.

HD: Had to ruin it, didn’t ya?

PB: Cheers to Cave 45 (rip), or should I say Rodas and Óscar! We wouldn’t have gotten this far without you. Óscar even put up a poster for our Fiesta at his current bar “Barracuda” even though there was another event at his bar that night.

HD: DID YA READ THAT, MAUS HÁBITOS???

PB: Cheers to SWR and the Veigas for inspiring us every year in every way. You host the best festival in the country and we will fight anyone who claims otherwise.

HD: If you think otherwise you won’t be missed.

PB: Cheers to our favourite chonky boy Sergio Páscoa for nurturing the disgusting flower of death/grind that is XXXAPADA NA TROMBA!!!

HD: Need better sluts at the next edition though.

PB: Thanks to Larvae Records and W.M.D. for all their hard work at keeping extreme metal flowing through this city at a time of rampant, voracious tourism.

HD: I completely forgot about those guys.

PB: A special ARIGATO to Inês for being the greatest and taking awesome pictures of our Fiesta just because she likes it. Also for being my partner at the start of this business.

HD: What? You knew girls before you met me?

PB: Big thank you to our text editor PACO who is always busy but does a superb job when he can throw us a bone.

HD: He’s talkin’ about the guy with the crusty hat.

PB: A massive double armed, triple paycheck thank you to our bro Flama Jiberish for being DOD’s main spiritual advisor and replacement bartender while I was banging Mrs. D…I mean when I had to go find change for the line at the door. Why did I even say replacement? Few worked as hard on that night and our good bro was one of them! We would be nothing without him.

HD: Can’t hate on a guy who gives me drinks.

PB: AND FINALLY!!!

HD: You teasing bastard, they must be stabbing themselves with the suspense.

PB: A huge thank you to our drinking buddies from CVLTO! They probably think we don’t like ‘em since our last report was not particularly flattering…to Maus Hábitos at least.

HD: Yeah. you retarded elitists, stop chaining these talented bitches with your head up the ass attitude.

PB: We love you CVLTO, you bring us the synthwaves, you calm Dick down with titie festivals, and you believe in our work.

HD: Yeah, sure they do.

PB: We’ll do great things together yet. Thank you for coming to our fiesta, Dick was sure you would skip it.

HD: I’m telling you, that wasn’t Cvlto, it was clones.

PB: Thanks to all the random people who paid to enjoy this fiesta, we hope it was worth the 3,99 because we don’t have a refund policy or a customer support center.

HD: Yeah, so stop emailing me pictures of your balls.

PB: Stay drunk my friends, remember to support DOD if you loved our party as much as Dick hated it.

HD: I do this for the booze and I’m severely underpaid.

PB: Until next time fellow music lovers, maybe we’ll bring some synthwave to Porto as well…definitely some grindcore though.

PHOTOS:

 

Official Photos by Rita Limede

Dick pics by Demon Editor Zita (CVLTO)

Complementary photos by Inês Silva (Jinger)

Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick

Good size PB

Filha da C*LTO Sequel – Neoslave

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Fellas! Time to have a talk about synthwave’s second big ass event in the sexy City of Porto, this report will be different because…

Hugh Dick: Because you’re favourite Uncle is here too.

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Partyboy: Yes, since getting this retard to write anything has gotten very difficult after his experience at EROS

HD: I left you some colouring books in the trunk.

PB: IT WAS DARK YOU ASS!

HD: And don’t you have a phone?

PB: Alright, it’s too soon to get off the rails, so let’s talk about this awesome party.

HD: Awesome? You were there right? At the same party I was in?

PB: Yes, at Maus Hábitos, the other day.

HD: Ugh…let’s get it over with. You start.

PB: In case you failed to remember, Maus Hábitos had a boner inducing Synth show on Christmas with the one and only Lazerpunk.

HD: And then he fell in love with us.

PB: What? Be quiet, we have a lot of shit to cover.

HD: There’s no need to cover him in shit because…

PB: No one is talking about that! Why don’t you go get that bottle of leftover vodka from the basement?

HD: Why don’t I indeed???

PB: … Alright. Dick is gone and I can start this report without his insufferable buffoonery.

For the duration of this report, we will also be mentioning another of our recent partners who helped us greatly in this quest and suffered the same fate as us…

Yes! We had the opportunity to present the public with our awesome MAGAZINES next to Magma Wear’s sexy t-shirt designs and character stickers.

Together, we would man the merch booth which, to anyone who has been to this kind of events, is something absolutely essential. Bands and artists usually make their living off selling t shirts and all kinds of merch they can bring on tour.

It’s not the money you pay them or selling CD’s on the internet, that doesn’t pay the bills, fan love pays the bills.

So our day at Maus Hábitos began with picking up our partners from Magma, getting all our stuff for the merch booth in place, packing it carefully in the car, carrying all that shit up to Maus Hábitos and waiting on our asses for the organization (fuck, can’t remember the name but I also can’t seem to find it online) to finish sound checking.

While we had a smoke break, I remembered I had forgotten something important and had to race to get it and be back in time.

CVLTO! That’s right, that’s the name of the organization, they just texted me the name.

When I got back in time, the horror was revealed. I have no idea who thought this was a good plan.

Apparently, there were a few weird art projects in place that had nothing to do with anything but were occupying a shitload of valuable elbow space. Particularly the one between toilets.

HD: Oh! I remember that room, the really bright white one with only two people?

PB: Yeah, that one. Gimme some of that vodka and cover for me, this part is right for you.

*big gulp of pure vodka*

HD: Alright! So Maus Hábitos included this massive waste of space which was completely empty every time I passed by it on the way to the bathroom. You could see the sadness in their eyes, but at least they had each other, right? Right?

Next time, maybe expose your arty content in a place not filled with drunken retards like myself, as you can see nobody cares.

…AND SPEAKING OF NOBODY CARES!!!

PB: Goddamnit, two pages and we haven’t gotten to the bands yet…

HD: For some unknown reason, there were two guys who, allegedly, are supposed to be masters of the “art” of tattooing people. They would be at the event doing what they do BUT LIVE…alright! Nothing wrong with that yes?

PB: NO!!!

HD: Hey! I’m getting to that, drink your vodka.

PB: You drink this shit you fucking asshole! I’m angry for a change and I wanna talk!

HD: Whooooaaaa! Mr. Herculean Testicles over here. Go on, you’re the boss.

“The following part of the report has been censored heavily by request of a third party, so we apologize to anyone who has a sense of humour and ask you to understand that a lot of people haven’t found theirs yet. The originals shall remain locked in the basement”

HD: Long story short, Johnny Corvo is a complete idiot with no regard for his craft or his customers. Can we wail on the bands now?

PB: We still have to mention the incident…

HD: Oh right! I can do that in 5 seconds. The owner from Maus Hábitos lost his shit because we put up a poster from our Metal Fiesta next to the merch booth, next to the giant sign of our logo that bothered no one and…

PB: …and we left it there, didn’t we?

HD: Yeah…Anyway, the guy from Maus Hábitos was yelled at by his tiny testicles and forced to take the poster down. Why you ask?

PB: They don’t want posters in there from shows that aren’t at Maus Hábitos.

HD: What a bag of dicks. They even make me sound like a little girl selling cookies to old people.

PB: Yes, Maus Hábitos only supports itself, which begs the question, why should we support them?

HD: I like where this is going.

PB: There will be more issues with the venue, but let’s get to the bands and that will come up eventually at the best possible time.

HD: FINALLY!!! “Pledge” was totally gay right?

PB: No, Pledge was a great beginning for this sequel. A powerful sludge band that made great use of their space and pumped the audience nicely. The vocalist looked genuinely pissed off at people, what a train!

HD: Not more than me?

PB: Tons more. After that was “Manferior”, which is a band name that reminds me a lot of you, Dick.

HD: I have to admit, it’s sort of catchy. But I’ve heard shitcore bands like these a million times.

PB: They actually identify as a shitcore band on Facebook.

HD: Really? That’s honest of them.

PB: “Manferior” opened the pit properly and violence infected the audience like chlamydia at a cheap whore house.

HD: Eh, trust me, that gets around much faster than a mosh pit.

PB: Unfortunately, nobody headbutted a ceiling fan this time, but Manferior displayed their thick iron claws and they were pretty big. A band of Badasses that kept snowballing the party to explosive eights.

HD: And that’s the bands! Just two shit bands, thank you for reading this fetid garbage and we’ll see you next ti-…

PB: Dude, no. There’s DJ sets.

HD: What? Nobody stays for that!

PB: The headliner was a DJ man.

HD: No way, seriously? No wonder the party sucked.

PB: After “Manferior”, synth casuals were tricked into thinking “Neoslave” was playing. YOU FOOLS! That was Perturbator’s Future Club. That is the synth equivalent of mistaking Cannibal Corpse for Megadeth you plebs.

HD: You know too much about this shit.

PB: “Crook Nadramia” was the first DJ set of the night and it was way better than the previous first DJ. Loved the shift in tone here. Where Penta.Grama where more goth and dramatic, C.N. where more blyat and hardbass with synths included.

HD: …and?

PB: Sadly, “Crook Nadramia” followed in the footsteps of Penta.Grama by having really bad song transitions. I love Carpenter Brut’s Turbo Killer but you dropped it so suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of another song that it was just confusing.

Great soundtrack though, quite bouncy.

However, the transition from them to “Neoslave” was smooth and clear. Darkness descended, red covered the walls and Satan was about to synth our asses back to hell.

Neoslave” exploded and the audience went mad! Dancing was rampant and wild, tits and asses shaking in all directions.

HD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAND THEN?

PB: Damnit…

HD: You knew it was coming.

PB: I did.

HD: But you didn’t want to believe it.

PB: I didn’t.

HD: But what else can you do? You have to report. That’s the job.

PB: Damn…

Right in the middle of “Neoslave’s” amazing, boner inducing show…

HD: Calm down with the boners.

PB: NO!!! FUCK DAMNIT!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! During “Neoslave”, one of our partners from Magma found me in the frontline and told me the good news… IT WAS TIME TO CLOSE UP SHOP!!!

PB: Basically, what he told me was, we have to pack up everything, leave and we can’t leave shit in the closet…and we have to do it RIGHT NOW!

HD: In the middle of the fucking headliner! HAHAHAH! This shit is hilarious!

PB: Once again, this order came from Maus Hábitos. However, this issue would have been easily avoided if THERE WEREN’T TWO RETARDS DOING TATTOOS IN A CROWD OF DRUNKS AND JUNKIES!!!

HD: “Waaaah, I wanna be near the people!” You fucking baby, why don’t you tattoo people in the middle of the street? During a thunderstorm, on rush hour, while driving a bicycle and juggling chainsaws.

PB: So, while doing our job of REPORTING, we had to leave and make sure that all the stuff from the merch booth was looked after, amidst a horde of drunken junkies.

HD: Classless drunken junkies, unlike ourselves.

PB: Do you see? Do you understand that this ENTIRE part of the report would not exist if you had used your space properly, defined your priorities, and what is relevant to a music event? THAT’S WHY WE’RE RAMBLING HERE! Your bad planning caused us to abandon the show! We wanted to make a good report! We wanted to WATCH EVERY SECOND OF NEOSLAVE! That was in our fucking job description!

But because this Johnny Corvo got the highest fucking spotlight in the history of whatever this is, we couldn’t fully report the headliner! This headliner sold one t-shirt. And how do we know this? HE TOLD US!!! And we were there when the guy brought them. If it wasn’t for DOD and Neoslave teaming up, he would have sold zero shirts.

Magma sold one T-shirt to our good buddy Carlos. We don’t know how much the other bands sold.

Neoslave, Pledge, Manferior, Magma and Drunk on Drugs, all the merch from these entities stuffed in a table that wouldn’t fit two people on a romantic dinner.

There was a feeling of discarded irrelevance, not to DOD…

HD: We wouldn’t give two shits if they smelled like cinnamon.

PB: The artists you booked, your other partners felt shunned, boxed up and abandoned in favour of what?

HD: But tattoos are cool boss! Look at this dolphin I have on my left ball, do you think someone will let me tattoo the right ball at Maus Hábitos?

PB: Anyway, we managed to catch the end of “Neoslave’s” show. He did a squat on the mixing table while still mixing; it was the most Slav thing ever at Maus Habitos, they don’t deserve the honour of hosting such a fine artist as this Belgian Slav mothercuker from hell’s bad neighbourhood.

HD: We’re not going to report the other techno trance crap that closed the show, it was pretty bland and unimpressive.

PB: Well I…

HD: You know it was boring.

PB: It was kinda boring I suppose, but that’s what happens when you play after Neoslave.

HD: Pretty sure they would have sucked all day and all night, like your mom.

PB: While the last DJ’s were playing, we caught up with some of our replacements who were now in charge of the leftover merch booth, now wholly dedicated to band merch.

HD: Their faces were priceless!

PB: Yes, we could see in their expressions that they felt our pain, they knew the closet was not a good place for the merch, it deserved better.

HD: Speaking of FUNNY FACES!

PB: Every single time we went to the bar we got served by different people. Every time we asked for a beer, we asked the price…

HD: …And every one of them flinched when they answered.

PB: That’s right, their faces immediately betrayed them, saying “I’m so sorry bro, I know 2,50 is a massive rip off for one beer but I just work here man” right to our faces.

HD: A split second but unmistakable.

PB: So, what did we learn from another night at Maus Hábitos?

HD: That Maus Hábitos is a shithole with shit management, and an elitist sense of, well, elite?

PB: We already knew that.

HD: Right…

PB: We learned that there is a lot of relevant stuff you have to check, ponder, analyze and decide if you want your Fiesta to be successful. Despite our rantings here, it was a successful party.

HD: Nobody likes sequels, though.

PB: Considering certain things that happened, this could have gone much worse and most of the issues everyone had during the event are easily traced back to…

HD: SHIT MANAGEMENT, Maus Hábitos!

PB: Yeah, the venue is not the best and as much freedom as they claim to shower upon their slaves, they continue being assholes with retarded rules.

HD: And never forget, Neoslave is better on YouTube, better than the real thing.

PB: Fuck off, I missed that song because of the shit management.

HD: Wrap this up already so I can wrap something else up.

PB: Don’t be harsh on the organization, they are doing great things even if TOO MANY at the same time. It’s only natural that some of them will slip out slightly raw.

HD: Like your shitty YouTube videos.

PB: You made the last video.

HD: Working with YOUR footage.

PB: Bottom Line, no one else is bringin’ Synthwave to this fucking city, so what choice is there? It is what it is, but someone has to break the monopoly.

HD: Perfect! That’s a wrap. I’m leaving, you can keep this up if you want, I have shit to do and meat to beat.

PB: Thank you for reading our Siamese report, we’ll see you next time, probably at our own Metal Fiesta, there will be alcohol for everyone. EVERYONE! There will be no expired burgers of any kind (this joke doesn’t work now because of censorship, but YEY! Freedom @ Maus Hábitos). Bring your retarded friends, it will be wheelchair accessible.

We won’t have a ramp, but our new Security cyborg, Killdroid, can carry your ass up the stairs and put you on stage.

See you on the 18th!!!

 

 

Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick

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XXXAPADA NA TROMBA 2019

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Finally we get to release a magazine and its on the mostest brutalest fest our Glorious Holy Nation of PORTUGAL has to offer! XXXapada Na Tromba running with its 4th edition arrives and we couldn’t wait any longer.

We argued the way we should have gone to this amazing meeting of brutal death culture (if that is still a thing), the boss argued we should go by plane because it would be cheaper, I wanted to go by train but eventually gave in and the tickets were handled.

The day comes and we meet at the airport, go have a piss, realise airport food is overpriced as fuck and starve our way to the boarding gate where the same guy who argued for us to go by plane forgets any kind of documentation that could identify him, making him miss the flight (drivers license in the car by the way). Anyways, the steps we had to do compared to him riding along with friends in a plan B car made us arrive a little bit later, giving him a little sarcastic ass faced grin, you know the very punchable one. But it’s time to get to business.

The biggest party of the year begins! “Monigo” were the first of many uplifting bands that brought the party side to the brutality with their signature “tupa tupa” pornogrind, looking like bloodied hillbillies, hailing from madrid, these super grind bros opened what i would consider the best edition this festival ever had.

After a smoke break, we met with the Spanish “Rato Raro” on stage, and the only way i can describe what they look like would be to simply imagine skinny grandpa with his 2 buff as fuck grandkids, the music isn’t exactly what i look for in the festivals theme, but it’s still mildly headbanging material. It was also during this band that picture proof that I am not, and I repeat, I AM NOT HUGH DICK, was taken. We are seen together in the same pictures over a few Photography pages out there, do your own research retards!

A little later I had the pleasure to finally see my old internet friend on stage, the band that also once had a show in SWR Barroselas Metalfest. “Crepitation”  finally returned to Portuguese lands to share their… whatever that thing they do with their fingers in their lips is, although it looked incredibly silly you can’t deny the brutality and heaviness of the tea drinkers that promised and delivered a slamming show.

Holy shit is that Phil Collins? Didn’t know he was part of “Meat Spreader”. The self titled “Four riders of gore punk” turned the whole room into a mosh hazard with their blasting performance. Even though the vox man looked totally out of place, it was absolutely hilarious to watch the botched attempts at crowd surfing and people realising that they can’t run for longer than what those blasts last, me being one of them. Polish grinding rawness at its finest.

Then followed a quick parking lot meal and a drink with some newly met buddies from mexico, and a bunch of binge smoking and drinking as usual. It’s great to see people from all around the world coming to enjoy the best brutal festival Portugal has to offer.

Cripple Bastards”, the grindcore veterans from Ice Tea… I mean Asti, Italy, suffered a little from the timing of the set right after dinner, people were digesting, asses burned by the cheap rough supermarket toilet paper and the worst of all, trying to digest your food while smelling the unwashed armpits and ass cracks of wookies, I just hope nobody got fleas. Some people were intoxicated enough to mosh but the majority were just laying back and watching the lesson in true Italian grind fashion.

The return of “Epicardiectomy” was as expected excellency in slam culture, if that is still a thing, the czech quartet not only sported new fabulous hairstyles, but it also seems like they arent so much into the whole wigga slamboy thing, the more serious sounding and heavier set was well timed for a softer time as our bowels kept moving around, the slow raging slams were perfect for people to have a good time in the slow mosh style common in slam bands, the zombies are out and the things are certainly heating up around here.

The 27 year old Portuguese grind veterans “Grog” followed. I could write a thousand compliments about these guys but I believe i’ve ran out of them. Refer to my older reports of these guys for guidance. Put them in the national Pantheon or some shit.

The grinders from Limburg, “Inhume” were next, and finally chaos was set loose and the hordes of smelly bearded men were wild in the pit, the performance could be described to what looked like 2 bald guys having a seizure and a dude screaming “ISTO É DO CARALHO!” from the bottom of his lungs every time a song was over. I think it was 2 bald men… was it 4? I’m not drunk, you’re drunk!

Finally the band I’ve been begging for years and years when I filled up the “What band would you like to see on the next edition of x or y fest? “ questionnaires with one word, or multiple of, “Brodequin”.

The international brutal death metal trio absolutely ripped apart whatever energy was left of me, I was dripping sweat from the whole continuous blasting and heavy breaks and fucking shit did I love it. Apparently wookies aren’t fond of civil people having fun but that did not break the mood as I was too busy in the trance of the snare going faster than I can say “tatata”. And when The Virgin Of Nuremberg hit, all shit was lost. Lets hope these boys bring Embodied Torment and Disgorge along sometime soon.

Satan’s Revenge On Mankind” was next, an enjoyable show but people were tired after the last performance and the 2 naked ghouls were only distracting us from the music, I wouldn’t say a weak performance but I was too tired for it, there was more to see the following day.

On Saturday we opened with “Annihilation”, the Portuguese female fronted (uh-oh) death metal quintet had a nice debuting performance, or so I was told, I watched it partially on youtube due to missing them because of traffic. The mic failed a bunch of times, it was funny, at least for us. The drummer also had an IRA shirt, dunno if that’s a worker or just support but good for you.

The death metal quartet “Undersave” was next and I can certainly see the lack of dancing girls during the national bands, is that because of jealous girlfriends or are they really that smelly?

The set wasn’t really my cup of tea but it was enjoyable, some good old tech death parts in there that certainly throw me off but i could enjoy the rawness hidden in between all of the messing around.


Hymenotomy” were my second most wanted band on the card and fuck, it was an isolated incident of true brutality in the before dinner part of the fest. I just don’t understand why the front boys are so far apart, do they dislike each other or something?

I met up earlier with the drummer and he was a pretty cool dude, certainly an honor to see them live and to satiate my excitement for their turn. The set was as brutal as expected, the ping snare was so strong that I almost wet myself right there. The Estonian trio delivered their hardest face melting blasts and slams on their first time in Portugal. Please come back.

Also mecha predator showed up with a red whip and someone threw a balloon at her.

UxDxS”, the four Danish grindmen gave a nice but underwhelming performance, I was still too overblown from Hymenotomy’s set and I needed more of what would come only later in the night.

Tu Carne” was a better soundtrack for what the mood was set to, slower but harder hitting, the spanish grind group brought the first wave of silly costumes nobody could wait to pop into, we already had a few xxxicken purists yesterday but I guess today was the day to do that. I don’t allow fun so my costume was pretending I had a tiny dick.

The German pornogrind kings, “Gut”, came out with 2 underperforming wannabe bdsm strippers but rubbing yourself ont he floor isnt kinky, not even close. They weren’t providing enough distractitties so listening to the whole 16 minutes of Gut’s set was easy.

Tupa tupa snares, luchador mask, they had it all going and in the true spirit of the genre it was the controlled but explosive mix between partying and seriousness, the music didn’t suffer from all the fooling around.

The Portuguese slam heavyweight champions, “Analepsy”, came out sporting sick white back panels, it’s great to see our xxxapada usuals grow to the dimension these guys have, all backed by impressive talent and charisma by all members. A destroying performance with all the things you’d expect from them, crushing slams with just the right dose of blasts and double kicking that made them a national and international success, proud of you boys! Also is it me or is Marco gonna start doing the splits soon?

The Italian blasting brutal death monsters “Devangelic” spreaded heresy and mayhem through the venue, everyone erupting into a huge pit that started in the previous set, everyone was killing it this time and finally my thirst for raw brutal death was satiated once again, the rebooked boys after missing Xxxicken Party (who?) returned as promised to Portugal to scare every grandmother away with they scrilegic imagery and face melting riffs accompanied by unholy blasting and the occasional nun rape.

Repeating a show in 2019 here are “Prostitute Disfigurement”, the brutal death metalers from the Netherlands displayed again what they are all made of, sadly no one disfigured a prostitute on stage but I sure did hope they did, there’s already 5 massive dudes on stage, girls teasing on the corner are barely noticeable but male genetics can’t avoid looking at nipples. The raw blasting was enough to keep everyone moving though and it was one fucking hard performance.

The following bands were the type to calm the crowd down, “Serrabulho” and “Pornthegore” was totally missed by me but I caught a few bits of it and it seemed that the wookie, skinhead and massive fat dude that were just having a fistfight are now dancing like massive retards. As I’ve said every year, “party grind” is not my thing and I’d rather not comment than talk shit.


Nah fuck it! They are still a massive bathroom break.

And that finishes the report for this year, hope you grabbed this editions copy of the Drunk on Drugs Magazine, enjoyed the amazing time we had at the fest and remember, being happy is pretty gay!

VIDEO:

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Text by Angry Hateful Reviews

Video by Partyboy

Video editing by Hugh Dick